Someone Stop Me, Please

I did a pee test early this morning.  To my blurry eyes, it was negative, so I put it on the nightstand and laid back down.  Fifteen minutes later, Davie woke up.  I picked up the test, and lo and behold, a pale, faint line.  Mom and Troy said they could see it too.  Of course, it was after the official test time, and it’s still two days early.

But still, I started wondering, why is it so faint?  Is it really a positive?

So I drew my blood at work and retested.  The line is still faint, maybe even fainter than the morning test.  Wouldn’t serum from 9 hours later make a darker line than pee from the morning?

I hate to put it in writing … I’m suspecting chemical pregnancy.  Hope followed by complete and utter dashing of hope, crushing disappointment.  Been there, done that.  The cycle was so, so perfect.  So many mature eggs, so many fertilized, a perfect blast and two other great embryos put back.  I took all my meds, right on time, every time.  The only thing I might have done wrong was pick up Davie too much on the Thursday after embryo transfer on Monday.  I was pretty careful, though. 

Troy asked, why don’t our babies stick?  Aren’t they supposed to burrow into the lining of you?  I don’t know, I wish I knew, I don’t understand it either.

When I hold Davie, I know she’s enough.  I can be happy the rest of my life, just the three of us.  But down here in the trenches, it’s still hard not to be … crushed, confused … and sad.  My babies still died inside me.

Two more days until it’s official.  Wednesday will tell the story.  Wednesday is a lifetime away.

Aargh

I’ve started to bleed, just a little.  Enough to use a panty liner, one during the day and one at night, and it’s far from soaked.  It’s mostly gritty brown residue.  I think it’s old blood mixed with the Crinone.  I don’t know what it means, if anything.  I know I bled more than that when I did IVF before (got pregnant but miscarried), and again with the IUI where I was pregnant with Davie. 

I know women bleed and are still pregnant.  Still, I was so happy that I hadn’t bled so far.  It’s still hard to see.

I did a urine pregnancy test Friday night and it was negative.  It was only 4 days after the 5 day transfer, so I know it was too soon.  And it was just a random urine sample, not a first morning one.  I might take a serum test on Monday when I get to work, if I can do it without my co-worker noticing.

I swore I wouldn’t cheat, though.  I didn’t cheat when I got pregnant with Davie.  Should I wait ’til official test day, on Wednesday?  Or is it ok to check on Monday?  If it’s positive, I’ll be thrilled, but worried I might miscarry again like I did with our first IVF.  If it’s negative, I’ll just rationalize it away, like I am now. 

Aargh.

Irrational Fears

Since last Monday (transfer day), I seem to have developed a few new irrational fears to join my current existing ones.  Like the fear of being squished in elevator doors (which is real!  I saw it on the news!  I knew that could really happen!).  Or of driving behind a truck with stuff in the back, especially stuff that doesn’t really fit, like ladders.  I’ll change five lanes or take an early exit just to get away from them!

New fears:

anything jumping on or off of my stomach

sleeping on my stomach

coughing

sneezing

blowing my nose (and of course, I’ve got a sinus infection)

pooping.

As we were leaving after the transfer, the nurse warned me to take stool softeners.  “No straining or pushing,” she cautioned.  So of course, I’ve been so afraid to poop, I think I’ve constipated myself!  Either that, or the poo is too scared to even venture down the canal lest it cause mass hysteria!  I saw a Family Guy episode once where someone asked Peter to stop and talk for a minute while he was busy looking for a bathroom.  “Well, ok,” he said, “but make it quick, ’cause I’m crowning.”  That’s me now – I won’t venture anywhere near a toilet unless I’m already crowning.

Just to keep up with me, hubby has developed a new phobia, too:  flatuphobia.  Seriously, people, I have terrifying swamp gas.  It actually woke us both up from a dead sleep last night.  I tried to blame it on the dogs but I forgot they slept in their kennel last night (Dude ate a dead frog and threw up).

So far, that’s my only symptom.  Boobies are not sore.  No spotting.  I am having some aching and mild cramps, though.  But I’m not sure if that’s AF, the ovaries slowly shrinking back down, or because I’m thisclose to erupting in a massive methane explosion.

Gotta go.  I think I’m crowning.

Lord, please don’t let me poop out my embryos.

Obsess Much?

From my desk in the lab I can look out the windows.  It’s nice to be able to gaze out and see the sunshine.  You’d think a busy day at the doctor’s office would be enough to keep my mind from it’s current favorite topics:  Davie, and the three embryos on board.

Only, the building right across from me has a massive sign facing straight at me that reads,

“Austin Area Obstestrics, Gynecology and FERTILITY”

aaaaargh!  More than a week to go!!  It’s soooooo long!!!