37 Weeks

I turned 37 weeks at some point this week.  I used to think it was every Tuesday but now I think they’re changing it every Sunday.  Who knows, at this point?  ‘Almost to goal’ is how I like to look at it. 🙂

Honestly, despite a few side effects, I really wouldn’t mind being pregnant at this point if I could just stay home and enjoy it.  It’s the trying to work full-time while 37 weeks pregnant that is about to do me in. 

Insomnia and difficulty sleeping is probably the hardest part.  Not only is it hard to get comfortable, but when I finally drift off, I’ll have crazy dreams, or have to pee, or get too hot, or my hand and arm will start to hurt.  I sleep deepest and best from about 4am to 9am, but of course, I get up at 5:30 every day.  So not a lot of great deep sleep going on.

The numbness and shooting pains in my right arm have gotten worse (similar to carpal tunnel symptoms, I think).  It’s hard to type or write or put on my bra or do my hair in the mornings.  Even when everything is loosened up I still can’t clench it in a tight fist.  All that will go away after the birth, though. 

Last week at my 36 week appointment with the perinatologist they did the Estimation of Fetal Weight ultrasound.  Yesterday at my 37 week OB appointment, Dr. Breen went over the results with me.  He came into the exam room asking, “Are you eating Miracle Grow?  If so, it’s time to stop that!  I saw your estimation of fetal weight report and thought, Holy Toledo!  That’s one big baby!”  He did a cervical check and determined that there is nothing going on – my cervix is closed, and although the baby is in the right position, he’s still floating freely (not engaged in the pelvis).  So basically, no signs of labor at this point.

We began to discuss options.  Dr. Breen feels that if I go into labor in the next week to week and a half on my own, it’ll be safe to deliver vaginally.  He says that experience and research has shown that it’s not wise to induce before 39 weeks unless the body is already showing signs of labor progress or medical necessity.  I’ve read the same and appreciate that he started right out acknowledging that!  (With Davie, we induced at 38 weeks, but I was already effaced and had high blood pressue issues.) 

However, once we get to 39 weeks, if I have shown no signs of labor, he will schedule a c-section.  The risks to the baby are just too great.  We could assume the estimation of fetal weight is off by as much as 10%, but that’s only 5 oz either way.  And he’ll continue to grow over the next three weeks, and will stay in the 90th plus percentile for growth.  There’s the fear of shoulder distocia, broken collarbone, or of tearing the nerves that run from the head down the neck (causing life-long arm and upper body weakness).  Dr. Breen stated that the worst case scenario would be if I was able to deliver the baby’s head, but couldn’t get the shoulders out, so they would have to do an emergency c-section and force the head back up through the vaginal canal, compressing the bones of the skull.  Of course, I want to avoid any danger to the baby.

So for now, I’m praying that God’s timing will be for me to go into labor in the next week to week and a half.  With my first delivery, I was so scared, but it turned out to be such an amazing experience!  With all my heart, I am really looking forward to another vaginal delivery – one I can experience without being afraid!  This time I know I can do it, and I know what to expect, and I trust that the epidural will work, and I know what to expect from Dr. Breen.  I hate to be facing a c-section, which means being terrified again!  But of course, I will choose the safest option for the baby.  Say a prayer for us that this will be our week!

Over the years, I’ve read about so many benefits of vaginal delivery over c-section, both for the baby and for the mom.  The baby gets immunities, hormones and a good squee-geeing out as it passes through the tight canal.  The mom’s body prepares for the exit of the pregnancy, and makes the hormones to start milk production.  I worked so hard to breast feed Davie, and it would be such a blessing to get to try again with this baby.  I feel like a c-section will just delay getting a good start on that.

On a positive note, I finally got the nesting bug!  Troy and I worked our butts of on Sunday, and got 2/3rds of the house done.  We got back to it Wednesday afternoon, and now we’re all done!  We even got the baby seat and bases out of the garage.  Bathrooms are scrubbed spotless.  All floors are scrubbed, and the carpets shampooed.  We even did the baseboards and the windows!  It shocked us how nasty it was under the couch, ugh.  It feels so good to have it all done!

This Saturday I’m going to meet my mom at Target and we’re going to get all the Thanksgiving dinner shopping done.  I’m also going to get a bunch of snacks to take to the hospital for while I’m in labor.  After that, my dad will meet us at our house, and they’re going to help us get out the Christmas tree and decorate for Christmas.  Once that’s done, I think I’m ready to meet this baby!

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23 Weeks

It’s so strange to be here.  To feel him kick so often, to know he’s real but still struggle to believe it.  I want to savor every moment of this last pregnancy but I’m afraid it’s slipping by before I can even grasp it’s reality.

Throughout our infertility struggles, I pictured what it would be like at the end.  Sometimes I pictured that we had just what we wanted – we had the three kids we would’ve had if we were normal fertiles, with minimal help, no losses.  Sometimes in the depths of dispair I saw us at a tragic end with no baby, no more hope.  But I have to admit that somehow, neither of those images ever seemed truly real.  I never believed we’d have the perfect ending, but I didn’t think we’d end up hopeless, either.

So here we are, somewhere in the middle.  We started out declaring, “if it’s not a baby made of you and me, it’s not meant to be.”  And ended up with hearts open to growing our family by any means – by adoption, embryo adoption, IVF, FET … however.  It’s funny how absolutes are never really absolute in Infertility World.

Our journey to Davie Ann was long – 3 1/2 years – but had little loss.  We started with timed cycles, went to Clomid timed cycles, to Clomid IUI’s, to Gonal F (injectable) IUI’s, to IVF – which led to our first ever BFP and our first miscarriage.  But that miscarriage, although heartbreaking, was also full of hope – after endless BFN’s, my body had responded, there was a chance we’d be successful again.  That IVF was followed by one more Gonal F IUI cycle (we couldn’t do IVF #2 because the embryology lab was closed for cleaning), and bam!  a BFP that turned into a dream come true.

When Davie Ann was 4 months old, I returned to work and my milk quickly dried up.  When she was 7 months old, we resumed fertility treatments.  After all, my ovaries weren’t getting any younger!  This second journey was so different from the first.  It’s been shorter – only 2 years this time – but so much more brutal.  Physically and emotionally, we were beaten and broken.  There was the first IVF, which ended in an early miscarriage (chem preg).  Then the FET that was a BFN.  Then another IVF and another miscarriage.  Followed by our last frest IVF cycle, which ended in a painful ectopic pregnancy requiring two rounds of methotrexate and surgery to repair an ovary that burst open and bled out into my abdomen.  I’m surprised to find that tears well up in eyes even now, so long after this happened, it’s still hard to return to that place.

I was broken.  We took some off.  We opened our hearts to adoption and signed up at our fertility center for their new embryo adoption program, which hadn’t officially started yet but already had a waiting list.  We began the long, arduous process to become liscenced to foster-to-adopt here in Texas.  We learned how long the odds were that we would be able to adopt an infant or toddler, but still, we kept our eyes focused on God and pressed on.  Many months later, we finally finished the process, and began the long wait for final approval.

During the wait, the last four frozen embryos from all our IVF tries began to weigh on my mind.  I needed to close that chapter, to know we’d gone through every door.  Our fertility insurance coverage was gone, so we saved and maxed out our medical flex spending accounts.  And put all four eggs in one basket.  And from a place of calm acceptance that this part of our fertility journey was over, we waited peacefully for the inevitable miscarriage.  Our hearts and minds were already focused to the future, on adoption, ready to close this book and open the sequel. 

And God sent us a BFP.  And still we expected to lose the pregnancy.  We watched while two fetal poles appeared.  We rejoiced for a week in two precious heartbeats.  We mourned the following week when there was only one.  Three months later, we finally got our final approval to become foster parents.  We told them about the pregnancy, and they decided to put us on a “hold” list until after the baby is born.

Even though this will be my last pregnancy, I don’t know that it will be the last child we welcome into our family.  With hope that all goes well, next March Newt will be four months old, and we will be able to go back on the active list to foster to adopt.  I had wondered if Troy would want to do it.  This weekend we were watching the news and it told of a horror story where a toddler was beaten to death by a foster parent.  As a result, foster requirements are becoming even more stringent.  The representative put out a plea for more people to apply, to open their hearts and homes.  Troy looked at me and spoke what we both felt, pride that we had accomplished such a difficult process, and broken hearts that the same system had failed that beautiful, innocent baby.  Although I don’t know if we’ll go beyond the next year that our lisence will be good, I know without a doubt that with much prayer and thanksgiving, we will absolutely go back on the active list next March.

If we hadn’t been successful this pregnancy, I know we would’ve tried at least one FET with adopted embryos.  I know we couldn’t have afforded more than two tries, since it would’ve been entirely on our own dime (no fertility insurance coverage left).  If those two tries at embryo adoption had failed, we probably would’ve renewed our foster-to-adopt liscence at least once.  After that, we would’ve been in our mid-forties, so we probably would stop at that point.

So I guess I’ll never know what it’s really like to reach the end of all hope.  Although physically and emotionally painful, we didn’t experience the utter depths I’ve read about on other blogs, like a late term loss, or the loss of a newborn, or being forced to return a child we had hoped to adopt to less than perfect circumstances.  I didn’t lose my ovary and fallopian tube like many others have.  Eventually I will have a hysterectomy, so I’ll never see my endometriosis get as bad as it has for others.  I’m grateful I have been spared those depths.

So here we are at an end I didn’t imagine.  An end that is different from the ideal but wonderful in it’s own way.  And end that has possibilities. 

I am grateful to leave this leg of the journey behind.  And I am grateful to have walked through it.  I am a better woman, a better partner, and a better mother for having taken this long road.  I am humbled. 

Thank you, Lord Jesus, that I never walked a step of this path alone.  Thank You for the hard-won peace and joy we have found.  Keep our eyes focused on You, lead us to the family You have planned for us, and to the children You have entrusted us to raise in Your image.

“‘He has brought me here

when I did not want to come

for His own purpose.

I, too, will look up into His face and say

‘Behold me! I am thy handmaiden

Acceptance-with-Joy.” 

~Hannah Hurnard, Hind’s Feet On High Places

Feelings and Finances

Home health hasn’t lowered my Zofran dose again.  I missed some work Wednesday and Thursday due to nausea and vomiting.  I’ve lost 3lbs in 2 days.  But I really, really don’t want to raise the dose!  That means admitting defeat!  I want to be pump-free!  For now, I’m sticking it out, waiting to see if I start to adjust to this dose better.  If it’s not better by Monday, I’ll go back up a notch.  I can’t afford to keep missing work. *sigh*

And it doesn’t help that both the Alere (home health) nurse and my OB keep saying things like, “It’s taking you an unusually long time … usually patients are over it by now … but you know, if you need it, we’ll stick with it …”  I’m in the hyperemsis support group on Baby Center, though, and there are lots of women who are still on the pump.  Some had to have it all the way until they gave birth (please, no….).  Most seem to have been off the pump between 18-24 weeks, and most of those went on to use the Zofran pills until birth.  Some of them got really bad again the last month, but chose to get through it with the pills rather than go back on the pump.  It really is a miracle and a pain in the bootay, both.

It sucks to have to lug it around everywhere.  But it sucks to throw up and be nauseous all the time.  It sucks to have patients notice and ask about it at work.  But it sucks to miss work.  At this point, I’m measuring success by how well the baby is growing and how well I’m staying hydrated on my own.  At least I’m not having to go for IV fluids every few days anymore.  And best of all, the baby is still measuring ahead in size and my fluid levels are fine, so I guess I can stick it out. 🙂

It’ll be so nice to see Newt again next Wednesday.  So far my mom, MIL and Troy are all planning to go.  I invited my mom ’cause I didn’t think Troy had any more time off work.  Then a few days later MIL asked about getting to see the baby – she got to see Davie several times on ultrasound but hasn’t gotten to see Newt yet.  Troy thinks we’re going to go eat at the Bacon restaurant after the ultrasound so he decided he has enough time off to go.  Mmmhmm.  More excited about bacon than he is about Newt.  (I’m just teasing, he is so happy about Newt but it always seems more real to him after the baby gets here.  I can understand that!)

The best part of pregnancy so far is feeling Newt move.  He moves a lot!  I can feel it on the outside most days now, as well as on the inside.  I remember that with Davie, I like the reassurance of feeling her move, but the sensation also kind of weirded me out.  This time, I really like it.  I’m glad I’m enjoying at least part of this pregnancy, since it’ll be the last.  That makes me happy. 🙂

Finances are coming together, with some work.  We had to work out a few payment arrangements, but we’ll be all caught up by September.  I really want to start saving, though.  We have all we need for Newt except for boy clothes, so there won’t be alot of sudden expenses.  We’re already buying diapers, wipes and formula a little at a time as I see sales or get coupons or rebates (the diapers and wipes we buy from Amazon Mom). 

Last time, I took 10 weeks of maternity leave, and it was the last two weeks that really made us tight.  The first two weeks I have completely paid by vacation time, and it will be the same with Newt.  The third week, I’ll go on short-term-disability, which will be 66% of my regular salary.  On top of that, I’m not working my extra weekend job anymore, so we don’t have that income, either. 

This time, I’m only going to take 8 weeks off.  Troy will take a few days when Newt is born, then he’ll take a week at the end of my maternity leave (the week I start back at work), so he and Newt will have a week together just the two of them. 🙂  After that, Newt will go to my mom’s with Davie Ann.  But before I go on leave, I’d like to have two months’ worth of rent saved in the bank.

I’ve thought a lot about going back to the weekend job.  The work itself really is easy and low stress.  It has a lot of down-time where I am free to read, play on the computer, watch TV on my computer or coupon.  Who gets paid to do that kind of stuff, right?  Sounds crazy to give up the extra money!

However, it’s a long drive to get there (about 45 minutes).  It takes almost half a tank of gas round trip.  While I’m at work, I’m missing out on time with Davie and my family.  I HATE missing out on being with her.  I had kids because I wanted to raise them, not work while someone else gets to raise them!  And while I’m at work, Troy just lets her destroy the house.  I know it’s exhausting chasing a toddler, but it’s not fair that I have to make the income and then come home and clean up all their messses, clean the house and take care of the pets and do laundry.  The time I spend cleaning is another four hours I can’t spend with my daughter.  It makes me resent Troy, and I don’t want that and I know it will get worse when I’m missing out on two babies.

So, we have some options – we can live more simply, cut our expenses and get to spend more time together.  Or, Troy could find a part-time job.  He thinks it’s not fair because I make more during the hours I work, but I think it’s not fair because I’ve been the one working two jobs for 7 years now.  Isn’t it his turn?  Also, I can take care of a toddler AND keep the house fairly clean (I can at least keep her from destroying the house while Troy’s at work).  Besides – it’snot forever!  In a year and a half, we will have one car paid off and two other major debts paid.  If we can just stick it out a little longer …

I don’t know, it’s hard to know what to do next.  In the end, I think we both want to be together with our family.  We just need to be vigilant and review our finances constantly together.  It’s gonna be a team effort.

11 Weeks

Doin’ alright. 

For the past month, our whole family has battled one sickness after another.  First there was the brutal stomach virus that started with Davie and my niece, then spread to my parents, then my brother and SIL, then to my nephews and finally to my husband.  It consisted of a horrific one or two days of vomiting and the runs, but was then followed by another 10 days of fatigue, sensitive stomach and occasional returns to vomiting.  I nursed everyone through it and thought I was spared … until it was my turn.

As that passed, we realized Davie still wasn’t herself – still listless, irritable and not eating well.  We took her back to the pediatrician only to find she had a double ear infection, a sinus infection and strep throat.  Then mom and dad got it.  Then my niece.  Then my husband, who missed three days of work because of it.  Once again, the illness seems to be on the wane, and I’m waiting on pins & needles to see if I will be next.  Oh please, Lord, send us some good health.  We need a break.

My OB appt this week went well.  Newt is huge, measuring ahead at 12 weeks.  He fills the whole uterus now, with no big black circle around him anymore.  I didn’t see him kick much, but I hadn’t eaten much that morning.  The heart rate was 160 bpm. 

Unfortunately, BB’s sack has grown, too.  BB is still the same size, just a tiny blip next to Newt now.  But the sac around BB keeps getting bigger.  Dr. Breen wrote an order for the specialists to measure and evaluate the sac at my NT scan June 5th.  Breen says he can’t see a scenario where it would be necessary to do anything invasive about BB, it’s just a monitoring precaution.  Of course, I’m worried, but we’ll let the perinatologists weigh in and see what their advice is.

My progesterone this week is up to 23.  They decreased my Estradiol to twice a day, but I’m still on 3 Crinone inserts a day.  When my progesterone gets to 30, they’ll start weaning me off the Crinone.

Nausea is here in a big, bad way.  Of course, it’s all worth it, goes without saying.  But zomg, I forgot how much I hate this part.  I’ve been threatened with hospitalization/IV fluids twice.  I really want to eat and drink, and I really do try, it just doesn’t stay down.  It’s hard to concentrate.  It’s hard to move from the fetal position.  My house is a wreck and I have no clean underwear.  I’m on Zofran, they gave me both the 8mg and the 4mg tablets.  The order says to take 8mg every 8 hours, but to keep from constant heaving I have to take it every 4-5 hours, and even at that I’m still throwing up.  I’m going to run out at some point and they’re going to find out I’ve been taking too much.  I just can’t function without it and I can’t afford to not work.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m hoping once my progesterone levels off, the nausea will start to go away.  I’m praying for it.  This is my last pregnancy, with all my heart I really want to get to enjoy it a little bit. 

Monday night I let the dogs out around 6 to eat and do their business.  At 8 we went to let them back in, and only one came through the door.  Dude was there, but Dobby was no where to be found.  We finally figured she must have shimmied under the gate, although she had to have been really motivated.  Our neighbors have four little brown bunnies living under their house.  In fact, our whole nighborhood has a LOT of wild bunnies right now.  I wonder if Dobby was trying to chase the bunnies?  Who knows.  We scoured the hood, stopping anyone we saw, checking every road, but there was no sign of her.  I reported her missing to the local animal control and the local shelter.

Tuesday I made fliers and dropped a few at the local vet’s office.  Davie and I loaded up her stoller with duct tape, a staple gun and fliers, and hit the ‘hood going door to door.  We posted fliers at every mailbox station.  When Troy got home, we went out in his car and posted fliers at every mailbox station in the neighborhood next to us and the one behind us.  As we got home, the vet’s office called to say that a man did come in to ask if anyone was looking for a French bulldog, but he didn’t leave any info.  We felt it had to be Dobby!  There just aren’t that many Frenchies in Hutto.  We felt relief that at least she wasn’t on the side of the road, hurt or dead.  And whoever was asking about her seemed to be looking for an owner instead of keeping her.  All good signs!

Finally, at lunch today a man called and said his neighbor had Dobby, but he was at work and hadn’t seen our fliers yet.  So he went and took a flier to his neighbor’s wife, who called.  Dobby is there!  Safe and sound!  And they adore her!   We couldn’t be luckier.  We’ll be picking her up after work tonight!  Thank you, Lord, for leading her to good people with kind hearts and for bringing her home to us!

Observations and Prayers

Spent the last couple of days watching a lot of Dora the Explorer with a feverish, cranky toddler.  I have to say, Dora asks for a lot of help.  I mean, the kid can’t even look in her own backpack.  She’d be able to see Swiper herself if she’d just turn around.  Perhaps Dora’s parents shouldn’t be letting this kid go on so many adventures until she’s a little more independent.  Surprisingly, however, Boots seems unnaturally mature for a monkey.  I’ve never once seen him fling poo.

Speaking of poo, constipation seems to making a comeback, so that’s loads of fun.  It’s so weird, I’ve never dealt with constipation other than during my pregnancy with Davie.  For someone who’s regular almost by the clock, it’s a strange thing to deal with.  My mantra last time was “Two Colace and two prunes a day, keep the painful poopies away!” (Troy never thought I was as clever as I did.)  I found some left-over Colace this morning and I’ll pick up some prune juice on the way home tonight. Fuuuuuuun.

I know the Crinone progesterone suppositories are the miracle glue that is keeping Newt in place.  I am so grateful for it, and for the most part, I don’t mind the nuisance of remembering to put it in three times a day, the constant “wet” feeling, and the “grit” and globs that work their way back out continuously.  I look at it as an update on what’s going on up there – is it pink?  some shade of red?  gritty?  etc.  However, really, really don’t like going around all day feeling like I haven’t wiped my arse properly.  Enough with the slimy buttcheeks already.

Mostly, I’m scared.  I’m so afraid that when we go in next week, we won’t see Newt’s heartbeat.  I’ve lost my focus, my peace.  I keep praying but I can’t seem to get back to my place of zen.  Maybe ’cause now I don’t really mean what I’m praying?  I pray, “Lord, your will is perfect.  May your will be done in our lives and the lives of our babies.”  But really, I just want to beg, please let Newt live.  I know God knows the desires of our hearts.  Is it ok to pray “Your will be done” even if I’m afraid His will is to take Newt?  I want to be okay with that, to know He has a greater plan for each of us that we know.  I want peace back.

“Lord, please take control;  please calm my heart.  Thank You for this time with Newt.  Please know it is the desire of our hearts that we would have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy birth and a healthy baby.  But above all, may Your good and perfect will be done in each of our lives.  Help me to focus on You.  Amen.”

 

8 Weeks

Well, I won’t bury the lead, we’ve lost Baby B.

I could tell as soon as the wand went in.  The image of Baby A flashed by first, twice as big as last week.  Right behind it Baby B came up.  You could’ve fit all of BB’s sac into Baby A’s. 

I was 8 weeks, 0 days yesterday.  Baby A measured 8w4d and had a heartbeat of 160.  Strong and beautiful.

Baby B measured 6w4d – exactly the same as last week.  And of course, there was no heartbeat.  Since there was no growth, I can’t help but wonder, did BB’s heart stop beating just a short while after we saw it last week?

It’s funny, after all these years in the infertility trenches, we still got so swept away.  Just two weeks ago we first measured BB, and a week later saw a heartbeat.  in the past week, we looked at twin strollers, at mothers-of-multiples meetups, at bigger cars.  We planned to borrow my niece’s newborn carseat so we wouldn’t have to buy a second one.  We argued over names.  We were in love with our twins.

I know two weeks ago when we first discovered it was twins, I was so cautiously happy but Troy had the wind knocked out of him for a minute.  On the way home from Dr. Silverberg’s I asked him, were you really excited about twins?  Or are you a little relieved?  He looked stunned for a minute then said, I’m so sad.  I thought they’d be girls and I’d have a house full of giggly girls.  This from a man who, when we first started this journey six years ago, just wanted one kid (not-so-secretly preferably a boy).  Now his dream was to be forever outnumbered by three little girls.  I don’t think I could love him more than I did right then.

I knew BB wasn’t for sure, but after seeing growth and a heartbeat last week, I really thought we’d see growth again this week.  Despite the fears, I clung to the dream.  Of course I’m still over the moon that Newt looks so strong.  And I’m so glad for the time I had with BB.  I’m at peace that when his heart stopped beating, he was in a warm, nourshing place, surrounded by love.  I know BB knows he was wanted.  I know God rejoiced in BB’s making and BB now rejoices in the presence of the Lord.  The Lord’s will is good and His will has been carried out in our lives and in BB’s.  I am so sad but also so happy knowing we will be together again.

.~.

Our Tuesday actually started Monday night.  Davie was clingy and not her usual whirlwind self.  Whenever I’d give her a kiss on her temple it seemed she was hotter each time.  Troy just rolled his eyes at me but got the thermometer.  Temps were 97 … then 98 … then 100.  During the night she woke up burning up and her temp was 101.  We gave her children’s Motrin and a lukewarm bath and coaxed her to drink.  In the morning we both called in to work.

As soon as our appointment with Dr. Silverberg was over, we ran by the lab (progestone was 9, lower than last week, but he said he was happy with it so I’m going with that).  Then we rushed to the pediatrician.  By the time we got there, she had a temp of 102.  She had redness in the back of her throat and clear drainage from her nose.  They checked for strep (negative), hand/foot/mouth (no blisters, so negative) and did a throat culture.  She’s also still got her four eye teeth coming in and is drooling like crazy, so that could be it.  Lastly, she has a massive insect bite on the inside of her left knee.  She is extra sensitive to bites and it’s swollen as big as her knee!  It’s hard and purple-red.  The doc said it would come to a head eventually, and to just keep it covered so she can’t get a secondary infection. 

So really, we don’t know what’s causing the fever.  As long as we dose her with Advil or Tylenol every four to five hours, she seems to feel good.  She eats ok (not great) but is drinking TONS, so that’s good.  We just give her lots of snuggles and attention and keep hoping it passes soon. 

She woke up a lot last night so Troy and I are both worn out today.  It also took me a long time to fall asleep.  I’m not destroyed by the loss of BB, but it was on my mind and I think I just needed to process mentally and emotionally.  So it’s just exhaustion that has taken me so long to get this posted.  I know it’s long and rambling but I wanted to get it out there.  I’ll make more sense tomorrow.  Davie is going to spend the night with Nana and Pop tonight so I should get a lot of sleep.  Thank you for all your encouragement. 

Lots of love,

Stacey

beta HCG’s

First beta on Tues., Apr. 2:  241.  Texas Fertility likes to see a 67% rise every 24 hrs., which would be 402; a perfect double would be 482.  Progesterone:  6.5.

Second beta on Thurs., Apr. 4:  414 (over 67%, but less than double).  For 3rd beta, 67% = 692;  double = 828.  Progesterone:  7.

Third beta on Sat., Apr. 6:  728 (again, over 67% but less than double).  Next beta on Monday:  67% = 1,216;  double = 1,456.  Progesterone:  4.

Good rises on the betas – of course, I’d love to see the numbers really take off and be strong, but they’ve been good rises each time.  I looked back at my betas after my IUI where we got pregnant with Davie, and my numbers for all three have been higher this time than they were with her and have risen at a better rate each time.  I think with her I only doubled every 72 hours, even a little longer.

However, the drop in progesterone is not great.  Because it’s an FET cycle I am of course on Crinone inserts 3X/day, and estradiol twice a day.  Apparently the body can make progesterone from estradiol, so they upped me to three estradiol pills a day.

For the past two days I’ve had some weird feelings on my left side that worry me.  It’s mostly a “stretchy” sort of feeling, although it’s way to early for the uterus to be stretching.  Occastionally it’s more of a twinge or ache, or a little like a cramp.  My lower back is often achy on the left side.  It doesn’t feel like it did when I had the ectopic, which was supposedly on the right side, although they never saw the ectopic on ultrasound.  And -the pain on my right side turned out to be my ovary bleeding out into my abdomen.  However, just the fact that I’m feeling this weird sensation in the same place on the same side for the past two days really does concern me.

TMI:  Occasionally I have vague nausea and/or light-headedness.  Occasionally the Crinone discharge that comes back out will be vaguely beige or pinkish, but no spotting or bleeding.  The Crinone applicators always come out clean.

Of course, all of this does make it harder to stay focused on leaving the whole matter in God’s hands.  I pretty much have to stop and pray every couple of hours to regain peace.  It’s worth it.  I’d rather stay constantly in prayer than go back to frantic obsession of the last few miscarriages.  Eyes upon Jesus, Stacey.  Focus.

 

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