Well, I won’t bury the lead, we’ve lost Baby B.
I could tell as soon as the wand went in. The image of Baby A flashed by first, twice as big as last week. Right behind it Baby B came up. You could’ve fit all of BB’s sac into Baby A’s.
I was 8 weeks, 0 days yesterday. Baby A measured 8w4d and had a heartbeat of 160. Strong and beautiful.
Baby B measured 6w4d – exactly the same as last week. And of course, there was no heartbeat. Since there was no growth, I can’t help but wonder, did BB’s heart stop beating just a short while after we saw it last week?
It’s funny, after all these years in the infertility trenches, we still got so swept away. Just two weeks ago we first measured BB, and a week later saw a heartbeat. in the past week, we looked at twin strollers, at mothers-of-multiples meetups, at bigger cars. We planned to borrow my niece’s newborn carseat so we wouldn’t have to buy a second one. We argued over names. We were in love with our twins.
I know two weeks ago when we first discovered it was twins, I was so cautiously happy but Troy had the wind knocked out of him for a minute. On the way home from Dr. Silverberg’s I asked him, were you really excited about twins? Or are you a little relieved? He looked stunned for a minute then said, I’m so sad. I thought they’d be girls and I’d have a house full of giggly girls. This from a man who, when we first started this journey six years ago, just wanted one kid (not-so-secretly preferably a boy). Now his dream was to be forever outnumbered by three little girls. I don’t think I could love him more than I did right then.
I knew BB wasn’t for sure, but after seeing growth and a heartbeat last week, I really thought we’d see growth again this week. Despite the fears, I clung to the dream. Of course I’m still over the moon that Newt looks so strong. And I’m so glad for the time I had with BB. I’m at peace that when his heart stopped beating, he was in a warm, nourshing place, surrounded by love. I know BB knows he was wanted. I know God rejoiced in BB’s making and BB now rejoices in the presence of the Lord. The Lord’s will is good and His will has been carried out in our lives and in BB’s. I am so sad but also so happy knowing we will be together again.
Our Tuesday actually started Monday night. Davie was clingy and not her usual whirlwind self. Whenever I’d give her a kiss on her temple it seemed she was hotter each time. Troy just rolled his eyes at me but got the thermometer. Temps were 97 … then 98 … then 100. During the night she woke up burning up and her temp was 101. We gave her children’s Motrin and a lukewarm bath and coaxed her to drink. In the morning we both called in to work.
As soon as our appointment with Dr. Silverberg was over, we ran by the lab (progestone was 9, lower than last week, but he said he was happy with it so I’m going with that). Then we rushed to the pediatrician. By the time we got there, she had a temp of 102. She had redness in the back of her throat and clear drainage from her nose. They checked for strep (negative), hand/foot/mouth (no blisters, so negative) and did a throat culture. She’s also still got her four eye teeth coming in and is drooling like crazy, so that could be it. Lastly, she has a massive insect bite on the inside of her left knee. She is extra sensitive to bites and it’s swollen as big as her knee! It’s hard and purple-red. The doc said it would come to a head eventually, and to just keep it covered so she can’t get a secondary infection.
So really, we don’t know what’s causing the fever. As long as we dose her with Advil or Tylenol every four to five hours, she seems to feel good. She eats ok (not great) but is drinking TONS, so that’s good. We just give her lots of snuggles and attention and keep hoping it passes soon.
She woke up a lot last night so Troy and I are both worn out today. It also took me a long time to fall asleep. I’m not destroyed by the loss of BB, but it was on my mind and I think I just needed to process mentally and emotionally. So it’s just exhaustion that has taken me so long to get this posted. I know it’s long and rambling but I wanted to get it out there. I’ll make more sense tomorrow. Davie is going to spend the night with Nana and Pop tonight so I should get a lot of sleep. Thank you for all your encouragement.
Lots of love,