11 Weeks

Doin’ alright. 

For the past month, our whole family has battled one sickness after another.  First there was the brutal stomach virus that started with Davie and my niece, then spread to my parents, then my brother and SIL, then to my nephews and finally to my husband.  It consisted of a horrific one or two days of vomiting and the runs, but was then followed by another 10 days of fatigue, sensitive stomach and occasional returns to vomiting.  I nursed everyone through it and thought I was spared … until it was my turn.

As that passed, we realized Davie still wasn’t herself – still listless, irritable and not eating well.  We took her back to the pediatrician only to find she had a double ear infection, a sinus infection and strep throat.  Then mom and dad got it.  Then my niece.  Then my husband, who missed three days of work because of it.  Once again, the illness seems to be on the wane, and I’m waiting on pins & needles to see if I will be next.  Oh please, Lord, send us some good health.  We need a break.

My OB appt this week went well.  Newt is huge, measuring ahead at 12 weeks.  He fills the whole uterus now, with no big black circle around him anymore.  I didn’t see him kick much, but I hadn’t eaten much that morning.  The heart rate was 160 bpm. 

Unfortunately, BB’s sack has grown, too.  BB is still the same size, just a tiny blip next to Newt now.  But the sac around BB keeps getting bigger.  Dr. Breen wrote an order for the specialists to measure and evaluate the sac at my NT scan June 5th.  Breen says he can’t see a scenario where it would be necessary to do anything invasive about BB, it’s just a monitoring precaution.  Of course, I’m worried, but we’ll let the perinatologists weigh in and see what their advice is.

My progesterone this week is up to 23.  They decreased my Estradiol to twice a day, but I’m still on 3 Crinone inserts a day.  When my progesterone gets to 30, they’ll start weaning me off the Crinone.

Nausea is here in a big, bad way.  Of course, it’s all worth it, goes without saying.  But zomg, I forgot how much I hate this part.  I’ve been threatened with hospitalization/IV fluids twice.  I really want to eat and drink, and I really do try, it just doesn’t stay down.  It’s hard to concentrate.  It’s hard to move from the fetal position.  My house is a wreck and I have no clean underwear.  I’m on Zofran, they gave me both the 8mg and the 4mg tablets.  The order says to take 8mg every 8 hours, but to keep from constant heaving I have to take it every 4-5 hours, and even at that I’m still throwing up.  I’m going to run out at some point and they’re going to find out I’ve been taking too much.  I just can’t function without it and I can’t afford to not work.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m hoping once my progesterone levels off, the nausea will start to go away.  I’m praying for it.  This is my last pregnancy, with all my heart I really want to get to enjoy it a little bit. 

Monday night I let the dogs out around 6 to eat and do their business.  At 8 we went to let them back in, and only one came through the door.  Dude was there, but Dobby was no where to be found.  We finally figured she must have shimmied under the gate, although she had to have been really motivated.  Our neighbors have four little brown bunnies living under their house.  In fact, our whole nighborhood has a LOT of wild bunnies right now.  I wonder if Dobby was trying to chase the bunnies?  Who knows.  We scoured the hood, stopping anyone we saw, checking every road, but there was no sign of her.  I reported her missing to the local animal control and the local shelter.

Tuesday I made fliers and dropped a few at the local vet’s office.  Davie and I loaded up her stoller with duct tape, a staple gun and fliers, and hit the ‘hood going door to door.  We posted fliers at every mailbox station.  When Troy got home, we went out in his car and posted fliers at every mailbox station in the neighborhood next to us and the one behind us.  As we got home, the vet’s office called to say that a man did come in to ask if anyone was looking for a French bulldog, but he didn’t leave any info.  We felt it had to be Dobby!  There just aren’t that many Frenchies in Hutto.  We felt relief that at least she wasn’t on the side of the road, hurt or dead.  And whoever was asking about her seemed to be looking for an owner instead of keeping her.  All good signs!

Finally, at lunch today a man called and said his neighbor had Dobby, but he was at work and hadn’t seen our fliers yet.  So he went and took a flier to his neighbor’s wife, who called.  Dobby is there!  Safe and sound!  And they adore her!   We couldn’t be luckier.  We’ll be picking her up after work tonight!  Thank you, Lord, for leading her to good people with kind hearts and for bringing her home to us!

10 Weeks

Last Friday I had my first regular OB appointment.  When I checked in, the young woman at the front desk asked for my insurance card.  A few minutes later she handed it back to me with another form.  “After insurance, this is your part of a natural vaginal delivery.  You can pay the whole amount today, or make payments if you’d like.”

I just stared at her.  Nothing she was saying made sense.  I tried staring at the paper but I couldn’t read it, like it was in Japanese.  I know I freaked her out by just staring, open-mouthed, but I was just trying so hard to process what she was saying.  Why would I pay for a BIRTH when I’m only 10 weeks?  Do you know all the shit that can happen between now and then, girlfriend?  I don’t even know if I’m still pregnant yet!  Can I at least get the ultrasound first?  My mind just raced but my mouth couldn’t speak.  Finally she must’ve realized something was off ’cause she took the paper back and just said, “We’ll go over this again next time.  Why don’t you have a seat?”  She must’ve thought it was sticker shock or something.  Oh, the hubris … I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

A few minutes later the waiting room door burst open and Dr. Breen himself came out and gave me a big hug!  He was so, so, so excited for me!  He said he had just gotten the paperwork from Dr. Silverberg (RE) the day before, and he couldn’t believe it was me, he was just so happy for us!  I thought it was so sweet he took an extra minute to congratulate me.

I did bloodwork, left a urine sample, and then the doc did a PAP smear and genital culture.  Finally, we were ready for the ultrasound.  I was actually happy to see the ol’ wand come out.  I had forgotten how different everything looks on the OB’s vagi-wand than it does in the RE’s office.  Different equiptment, I guess.

We saw a small dark circle pass by we assumed was BB.  A big circle filled the screen with a perfect fuzzy baby in the center.  A perfect baby that wasn’t moving.  I knew it instantly.  There was no wiggling and waving, no flashing little circle where the heart would be.  The nurse, Dr. Breen and I fell completely silent.  I could see him twisting the dials, measuring everything, trying to pinpoint a heartbeat.

One of my hands flew to my chest and the other grabbed the table so hard it went numb.  I couldn’t feel the rest of my body.  I knew I was breathing but my brain felt starved for air.  Everything was fuzzy, the room narrowed down to that screen.  Finally he pulled up the doppler blood flow image and I heard him say, this is the nightmare we never hope to see, there’s abundant blood flow through the uterus, but we can see there’s none going to the baby, I’m so sorry, we should see cardiac activity right now.

It’s bizarre, but I knew this moment was excrutiating for them, and I heard myself almost trying to comfort them, saying, we knew it was a long shot, we’re still glad we tried, it was worth it.  But while my mouth said those words my mind was racing, racing with such stupid thoughts, like, “I KNEW I’d be by myself when I got news like this!” like it was Troy’s fault for not being there and “How am I going to drive home?  How will I go back to work?  I can’t go back” and then, louder than anything else, “I’m done.  No more pain.  No more heartache.  It’s ok that it’s just the three of us.  It’s enough.  I’m done.”

Suddenly my mind went quiet and I felt like there were cool hands pressing on my forehead and I could breathe again.  I forced myself to peel my fingers off the table one at a time.  Dr. Breen said, “Before we’re done, lets take one last look all around the uterus” and he began to twist the wand in a wide circle

and Newt filled the screen, thrashing and twisting, and we hadn’t realized Dr. Breen had cranked up the volume while searching for a heartbeat it was so loud the nurse started and squeaked and it sounded like we were having our own personal rave and Dr. Breen actually shouted, “Your baby’s ok!” and I just barely kept from bursting into tears, but I held it together only my legs betrayed me I couldn’t stop them from shaking.

It turned out all that time Dr. Breen was looking at BB, who measured much bigger (and did look a lot bigger to me) and the size confused him.  I still don’t know what that first dark circle we saw was (that we originally thought was BB).  Dr. Breen thinks my body recognizes BB as a foreign object and is trying to put a calcium buffer around him, which made him look bigger.  I dunno, maybe it’s just the difference in machines.  But Newt is ok.  Newt is ok.  Newt is ok.

In a fog I checked out and smiled and said thank you for taking so much time with me and somehow I made it to my car and closed the door and started shaking so hard I couldn’t get the key in the ignition and hyperventilated and sobbed.  Then the storm passed and I fixed my makeup and went back to work.

So … now I know I will survive the worst news, and I guess there is value in that.  I know that even though no one came to the appointment with me, I was not alone.  I felt His presence, I wasn’t alone when I thought my baby had died inside me.  I know my limits now.  We had thought embryo adoption would be our next step but I know I can’t look at another dead baby on the screen ever again.  And for one more day, I know Newt is ok.

9 Weeks

Almost 9 weeks, anyways (8W1d).  I struggled with constipation a bit last weekend, and ended up with worrisome cramping that had me begging for an ultrasound on Sunday.  The weekend nurse kindly but firmly told me they would fit me in on Monday, and fortuantely my work schedule ended up cooperating.  My fears were unfounded (“I told you so,” said Troy, completely un-helpfully).  Newt looked fantastic, measuring 9w1d with a heart rate of 174.  Dr. Silverberg took his time, letting me listen to the heartbeat, pointing out the forming spine, and then we just watched Newt twitch and move.  I loved it.  Loved it.  I’m so happy and relieved.

So now I’ve graduated!  I’ll still get progesterone and estradiol bloodwork drawn once a week for Dr. Silverberg until I’m off the Crinone inserts, but I won’t have to go back into the office.  Next, I make an appointment with my regular OB, Dr. Breen. 

It was a rough weekend.  Davie didn’t run a fever again, but she threw up several times.  Mostly, it just scared her, poor baby.  My niece Kinley got the same virus from her daycare, and gave it to her parents.  My folks got it, too, either from Davie or Kinley.  So we had two babies and four adults with the runs and vomiting.  Troy and I may have gotten a touch of it – we were both lethargic, nauseous and had no appetite.  But those are all the same symptoms I’ve had with the pregnancy so far (and I had the opposite of the runs), so I’m probably fine.

Last Saturday (the Saturday after I found out we lost BB), Troy told my mom about the pregnancy.  It’s ok, I would have rather waited, but I understand why he let the cat out of the bag. 

There were a few reasons why we hadn’t told our families, but the main reason was honestly that it just felt right to go through this last try with our own embryos together, just me and Troy.  This has been our journey to building our family, the hardest journey we’ve ever taken as a couple, and it felt right to end this huge chapter together.  We have other chapters in place – we are already on the embryo adoption waiting list, and we had just completed our foster-to-adopt requirements.  But this was a big ending, the last four Troy+Stacey embryos that would ever be.  Whether we were successful or not, it felt right to walk this last step together.

There were other reasons, too.  My parents were going through a major life change as my father retired from the ministry.  Not only is that a major adjustment in income, it’s also a change of identity.  At the same time, they were looking for housing close to my brother and trying to get out of their rental before the lease was up.  With all that stress, I just didn’t want to drag them through the FET roller coaster.  As they struggled with financial changes in their lives, I knew they would worry about the fiancial burden of adding a child to the family (even though that’s mine and Troy’s responsibility, not theirs).  Also, I was afraid if the pregnancy were successful, we would lose their support of our foster-to-adopt dreams.  Before we are matched we need for mom to take a CPR class, take the Saturday child trauma class at Pathways and be FBI fingerprinted.  She will be our primary “daycare,” and those things are required by Pathways.  Of course we are hoping and praying for the best with this pregnancy, but we don’t know God’s plan.  And we entered into the adoption process with a lot of prayer and the confidence that we were being led to do so.  So we didn’t want to lose my folks’ focus or support for our adoption goals.

If I could have chosen, I would’ve waited until 14 weeks to tell anyone.  But that Saturday, it had been such a long day and we were so beat down and exhausted.  Davie was still fighting fever and was so fussy.  We were grieving the loss of BB.  I think Troy just needed a little extra support himself after supporting me for the week.  And I have to say, I competely underestimated my parents.  After the initial surprise, my Mom just exploded happiness all over us!  She promised to only tell Dad (and not to tell extended family and friends, but I bet she’s already broken that promise *sigh*).  They texted and called us all evening with happy encouragement and joy!  It was so wonderful to see their excitement.  Dad called and prayed with us for a healthy pregnancy and sent love and comfort for the loss of BB.  Not once did anyone say anthing about how it was for the best, or anything like that.  There was only sorrow BB wouldn’t join us, and joy that Newt was doing so well.  It couldn’t have been more perfect for an imperfect time.

So … it’s off to the OB next.  We’ll see where we’re at then.

Observations and Prayers

Spent the last couple of days watching a lot of Dora the Explorer with a feverish, cranky toddler.  I have to say, Dora asks for a lot of help.  I mean, the kid can’t even look in her own backpack.  She’d be able to see Swiper herself if she’d just turn around.  Perhaps Dora’s parents shouldn’t be letting this kid go on so many adventures until she’s a little more independent.  Surprisingly, however, Boots seems unnaturally mature for a monkey.  I’ve never once seen him fling poo.

Speaking of poo, constipation seems to making a comeback, so that’s loads of fun.  It’s so weird, I’ve never dealt with constipation other than during my pregnancy with Davie.  For someone who’s regular almost by the clock, it’s a strange thing to deal with.  My mantra last time was “Two Colace and two prunes a day, keep the painful poopies away!” (Troy never thought I was as clever as I did.)  I found some left-over Colace this morning and I’ll pick up some prune juice on the way home tonight. Fuuuuuuun.

I know the Crinone progesterone suppositories are the miracle glue that is keeping Newt in place.  I am so grateful for it, and for the most part, I don’t mind the nuisance of remembering to put it in three times a day, the constant ”wet” feeling, and the ”grit” and globs that work their way back out continuously.  I look at it as an update on what’s going on up there – is it pink?  some shade of red?  gritty?  etc.  However, really, really don’t like going around all day feeling like I haven’t wiped my arse properly.  Enough with the slimy buttcheeks already.

Mostly, I’m scared.  I’m so afraid that when we go in next week, we won’t see Newt’s heartbeat.  I’ve lost my focus, my peace.  I keep praying but I can’t seem to get back to my place of zen.  Maybe ’cause now I don’t really mean what I’m praying?  I pray, “Lord, your will is perfect.  May your will be done in our lives and the lives of our babies.”  But really, I just want to beg, please let Newt live.  I know God knows the desires of our hearts.  Is it ok to pray “Your will be done” even if I’m afraid His will is to take Newt?  I want to be okay with that, to know He has a greater plan for each of us that we know.  I want peace back.

“Lord, please take control;  please calm my heart.  Thank You for this time with Newt.  Please know it is the desire of our hearts that we would have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy birth and a healthy baby.  But above all, may Your good and perfect will be done in each of our lives.  Help me to focus on You.  Amen.”

 

8 Weeks

Well, I won’t bury the lead, we’ve lost Baby B.

I could tell as soon as the wand went in.  The image of Baby A flashed by first, twice as big as last week.  Right behind it Baby B came up.  You could’ve fit all of BB’s sac into Baby A’s. 

I was 8 weeks, 0 days yesterday.  Baby A measured 8w4d and had a heartbeat of 160.  Strong and beautiful.

Baby B measured 6w4d – exactly the same as last week.  And of course, there was no heartbeat.  Since there was no growth, I can’t help but wonder, did BB’s heart stop beating just a short while after we saw it last week?

It’s funny, after all these years in the infertility trenches, we still got so swept away.  Just two weeks ago we first measured BB, and a week later saw a heartbeat.  in the past week, we looked at twin strollers, at mothers-of-multiples meetups, at bigger cars.  We planned to borrow my niece’s newborn carseat so we wouldn’t have to buy a second one.  We argued over names.  We were in love with our twins.

I know two weeks ago when we first discovered it was twins, I was so cautiously happy but Troy had the wind knocked out of him for a minute.  On the way home from Dr. Silverberg’s I asked him, were you really excited about twins?  Or are you a little relieved?  He looked stunned for a minute then said, I’m so sad.  I thought they’d be girls and I’d have a house full of giggly girls.  This from a man who, when we first started this journey six years ago, just wanted one kid (not-so-secretly preferably a boy).  Now his dream was to be forever outnumbered by three little girls.  I don’t think I could love him more than I did right then.

I knew BB wasn’t for sure, but after seeing growth and a heartbeat last week, I really thought we’d see growth again this week.  Despite the fears, I clung to the dream.  Of course I’m still over the moon that Newt looks so strong.  And I’m so glad for the time I had with BB.  I’m at peace that when his heart stopped beating, he was in a warm, nourshing place, surrounded by love.  I know BB knows he was wanted.  I know God rejoiced in BB’s making and BB now rejoices in the presence of the Lord.  The Lord’s will is good and His will has been carried out in our lives and in BB’s.  I am so sad but also so happy knowing we will be together again.

.~.

Our Tuesday actually started Monday night.  Davie was clingy and not her usual whirlwind self.  Whenever I’d give her a kiss on her temple it seemed she was hotter each time.  Troy just rolled his eyes at me but got the thermometer.  Temps were 97 … then 98 … then 100.  During the night she woke up burning up and her temp was 101.  We gave her children’s Motrin and a lukewarm bath and coaxed her to drink.  In the morning we both called in to work.

As soon as our appointment with Dr. Silverberg was over, we ran by the lab (progestone was 9, lower than last week, but he said he was happy with it so I’m going with that).  Then we rushed to the pediatrician.  By the time we got there, she had a temp of 102.  She had redness in the back of her throat and clear drainage from her nose.  They checked for strep (negative), hand/foot/mouth (no blisters, so negative) and did a throat culture.  She’s also still got her four eye teeth coming in and is drooling like crazy, so that could be it.  Lastly, she has a massive insect bite on the inside of her left knee.  She is extra sensitive to bites and it’s swollen as big as her knee!  It’s hard and purple-red.  The doc said it would come to a head eventually, and to just keep it covered so she can’t get a secondary infection. 

So really, we don’t know what’s causing the fever.  As long as we dose her with Advil or Tylenol every four to five hours, she seems to feel good.  She eats ok (not great) but is drinking TONS, so that’s good.  We just give her lots of snuggles and attention and keep hoping it passes soon. 

She woke up a lot last night so Troy and I are both worn out today.  It also took me a long time to fall asleep.  I’m not destroyed by the loss of BB, but it was on my mind and I think I just needed to process mentally and emotionally.  So it’s just exhaustion that has taken me so long to get this posted.  I know it’s long and rambling but I wanted to get it out there.  I’ll make more sense tomorrow.  Davie is going to spend the night with Nana and Pop tonight so I should get a lot of sleep.  Thank you for all your encouragement. 

Lots of love,

Stacey

Weekend Update

This weekend was beautiful, lots of gorgeous sunshine.  I pretty much slept through it.

I worked an extra shift this weekend, so that took pretty much all the extra energy I had left.  Saturday morning we went to my nephew Cayle’s 10th birthday party at my brother’s house.  We gave him a scooter-type thing called an Ezy Roller that he loved.  He and his brother Andon both managed to run it straight into the side of my dad’s car before they learned to control it.  It was pretty funny.

After that I took a nap, and woke up to a bizarre phenomenon where a tornado actually formed inside our house and twirled it upside down.  Actually, it was just a two-year-old with her father as “supervision.”  So … there was an inch of water over the patio, with the hose running, and my kid, cat and two dogs running freely in and out of the house, accompanied by a swarm of flies … mud all over the kitchen … laundry piled hip-high … dishes piled in the sink and glasses and sippy cups on every surface of the living room and kitchen … dolls and stuffed animals everywhere … and my kid was naked.  All we need are a few tires on the front lawn and we can go completely trailer park.

Still, everyone was super-happy and since they all pitched in to help clean up, how can you be too upset?  Happy is contagious.   We were making blackened chicken alfredo for dinner when my mom stopped by.  My dad ended up coming over for dinner, too.  (Mom actually came by to help me with a case of chicken and dad was at Barnes ‘N Nobles).  I love it that my folks live close enough to just “drop in” now.  So awesome!

A few months ago I placed an order with Zaycon, a farm that delivers meat to different areas on a schedule.  Because they have delivery “events” instead of selling to grocery stores, they pass the savings on to the buyers.  I bought 40 lbs of chicken breast (1 case) for $71, which breaks down to $1.79/lb.  And it’s fresh, just-butchered chicken breast, no bone or skin, organic, no hormones or chemicals and so fresh it’s never been frozen.  Even at the grocery store the best deal I can get is $1.99 on frozen chicken breasts on sale, and those are really small.  Mom and I cut up the breasts and trimmed off any fat, then sealed them three to a ziplock and froze what we weren’t using for dinner.  They were amazing, juicy and so fresh.  I’m getting two cases next time!  It’s a great deal to stock up on!  Now if only I could find a deal that good on beef.  Pot roasts, steaks and even ground beef are so crazy expensive right now.

Sunday we slept in, then spent the day just playing with Davie.  Neither of us could get her to lie down for a nap!  Of course, as soon as we headed over to my parents’ for dinner, she crashed out in the car.  We had chicken and rice and roasted vegetables in the oven.  I made mac ‘n cheese from scratch, and it turned out ok but a little dry, even though I added extra butter and milk.  I made it great once, I just can’t seem to duplicate it again!  The roasted veggies were the best – squash, zucchini, onions, tomatoes and turnips drizzled with garlic butter.  Yum.

Tomorrow is my next u/s.  It’s the first one I’m going to go to alone.  I’m so nervous.  I don’t know why, I just feel like I’ll feel more confident after 10 weeks.  Or maybe after 12.  I just know it’ll be a relief when we can finally tell everyone instead of pretending I’ve had some never-ending stomach bug.

After eating great this weekend, I feel like crap on a cracker today.  I can’t wait for some grilled cheese and soup tonight.  Right up my alley.

ZZZZZZ

Oh my gosh, someone’s gotta stop hitting me over the head with the sleepy stick.  My body is soooo heavy.  I have a freaky-ass twitch in my left eyelid that won’t leave me alone.

I want a Coke.

And all this sleepyness/dizziness/nausea makes it hard for me to stop thinking about … possibilities.  Hopes.  That sort of thing.

Concetrate!  Back to work!

I wanna Coke.

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz