HG is the Boss of Me

The hyperemesis is still in charge.  This week seems even worse than last week.  I’ve lost another four pounds, and my ketones are high every day.  When I got my awesome BFP, I was a whopping 255 – the most I have ever weighed, even at the height of my pregnancy with Davie.  I’m glad I’ll never weigh that again.   The fertility treatments, miscarriages and the ectopic took their toll.  It’s good to move on from there.

And it’s a beautiful miracle to be pregnant!  I wouldn’t give up this gift, even if it meant no more tossing cookies (like I could eat cookies).  I know how lucky I am.  I have more angel babies than I can even remember.  I’m not letting this one go.

HG is a lonely thing to go through, though.  It’s so isolating.  Every morning when I wake up, I feel the heaviness of nausea settle over me.  I have to untangle myself from the tubing that attaches me to the pump.  I miserably head to the bathroom to check ketones and begin vomiting.  I’m lucky if I can put my hair in a pony tail and brush my teeth before leaving for work.   This morning I weighed 235 – 19 lbs lost in 2 1/2 weeks.

Work is a blur.  It takes 90% of my attention to push the nausea aside while still staking out the closest sinks, toilets and trash cans.  Most of the time I lose and end up using one of them.  I’m lucky if I can make it to the bathroom for privacy.  I wear heavy pads because the retching is so hard, I often pee while vomiting. 

I don’t always last the whole day but I try.  I’m watching my precious time-off-with-pay whittle away.  I vomit all the way home.  Yes, I actually drive and vomit at the same time.  When I get home, I look around and the messy house, the floors that need attention, dishes in the sink, dirty laundry.  I’m a neat freak and I want to clean so bad.  I try and end up just vomiting endlessly in the sink.  I heave until even all the acid is gone and there’s nothing left, but still my body won’t stop convulsing.

I try to do everything I can to feel good when Troy brings Davie home.  I miss my baby.  I miss my husband.  I miss my mom and my friends.  I’m so lonely.  It’s hard to hold Davie – she’s a busy two-year-old, and as she squirms against my tummy I feel the convulsions start.  I break into tiny pieces as she cries for me at bedtime.  I finally sneak away around 8 and take a Phenegren.  It doesn’t help the nausea but at least it makes me fall asleep.  I’m dimly aware of Troy checking on me and I know he’s exhausted from taking care of Davie by himself.  It breaks my heart again.  I feel so guilty.

This morning I went to let the dog out of her kennel.  She was so excited she launched forward like a racehorse out of the gate.  She caught her collar on my tubing and ripped it out of my stomach.  I just sat on the floor and cried.  Not because it hurt, which it did, but because I hate feeling like this.  I feel selfish and ungrateful and lonely and guilty and sad and at the same time all I can do is retch again.  It’s my whole life.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Another Dreamer
    Jun 13, 2013 @ 13:32:27

    Oh hun 😦 I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds awful. You should NOT feel selfish or ungrateful! You’re not. You are dealing with a lot, and it’s not your fault. I really really hope it eases up soon for you (*hugs*)


  2. JustMe
    Jun 14, 2013 @ 20:43:54

    OH my god I cannot imagine this. I mean, I was sick. Constantly sick and felt like I was walking around in a lonely fog. But I didn’t have HG so I really can’t imagine how you are feeling. I hope it gets better soon. It HAS to!


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