10 Weeks

Last Friday I had my first regular OB appointment.  When I checked in, the young woman at the front desk asked for my insurance card.  A few minutes later she handed it back to me with another form.  “After insurance, this is your part of a natural vaginal delivery.  You can pay the whole amount today, or make payments if you’d like.”

I just stared at her.  Nothing she was saying made sense.  I tried staring at the paper but I couldn’t read it, like it was in Japanese.  I know I freaked her out by just staring, open-mouthed, but I was just trying so hard to process what she was saying.  Why would I pay for a BIRTH when I’m only 10 weeks?  Do you know all the shit that can happen between now and then, girlfriend?  I don’t even know if I’m still pregnant yet!  Can I at least get the ultrasound first?  My mind just raced but my mouth couldn’t speak.  Finally she must’ve realized something was off ’cause she took the paper back and just said, “We’ll go over this again next time.  Why don’t you have a seat?”  She must’ve thought it was sticker shock or something.  Oh, the hubris … I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

A few minutes later the waiting room door burst open and Dr. Breen himself came out and gave me a big hug!  He was so, so, so excited for me!  He said he had just gotten the paperwork from Dr. Silverberg (RE) the day before, and he couldn’t believe it was me, he was just so happy for us!  I thought it was so sweet he took an extra minute to congratulate me.

I did bloodwork, left a urine sample, and then the doc did a PAP smear and genital culture.  Finally, we were ready for the ultrasound.  I was actually happy to see the ol’ wand come out.  I had forgotten how different everything looks on the OB’s vagi-wand than it does in the RE’s office.  Different equiptment, I guess.

We saw a small dark circle pass by we assumed was BB.  A big circle filled the screen with a perfect fuzzy baby in the center.  A perfect baby that wasn’t moving.  I knew it instantly.  There was no wiggling and waving, no flashing little circle where the heart would be.  The nurse, Dr. Breen and I fell completely silent.  I could see him twisting the dials, measuring everything, trying to pinpoint a heartbeat.

One of my hands flew to my chest and the other grabbed the table so hard it went numb.  I couldn’t feel the rest of my body.  I knew I was breathing but my brain felt starved for air.  Everything was fuzzy, the room narrowed down to that screen.  Finally he pulled up the doppler blood flow image and I heard him say, this is the nightmare we never hope to see, there’s abundant blood flow through the uterus, but we can see there’s none going to the baby, I’m so sorry, we should see cardiac activity right now.

It’s bizarre, but I knew this moment was excrutiating for them, and I heard myself almost trying to comfort them, saying, we knew it was a long shot, we’re still glad we tried, it was worth it.  But while my mouth said those words my mind was racing, racing with such stupid thoughts, like, “I KNEW I’d be by myself when I got news like this!” like it was Troy’s fault for not being there and “How am I going to drive home?  How will I go back to work?  I can’t go back” and then, louder than anything else, “I’m done.  No more pain.  No more heartache.  It’s ok that it’s just the three of us.  It’s enough.  I’m done.”

Suddenly my mind went quiet and I felt like there were cool hands pressing on my forehead and I could breathe again.  I forced myself to peel my fingers off the table one at a time.  Dr. Breen said, “Before we’re done, lets take one last look all around the uterus” and he began to twist the wand in a wide circle

and Newt filled the screen, thrashing and twisting, and we hadn’t realized Dr. Breen had cranked up the volume while searching for a heartbeat it was so loud the nurse started and squeaked and it sounded like we were having our own personal rave and Dr. Breen actually shouted, “Your baby’s ok!” and I just barely kept from bursting into tears, but I held it together only my legs betrayed me I couldn’t stop them from shaking.

It turned out all that time Dr. Breen was looking at BB, who measured much bigger (and did look a lot bigger to me) and the size confused him.  I still don’t know what that first dark circle we saw was (that we originally thought was BB).  Dr. Breen thinks my body recognizes BB as a foreign object and is trying to put a calcium buffer around him, which made him look bigger.  I dunno, maybe it’s just the difference in machines.  But Newt is ok.  Newt is ok.  Newt is ok.

In a fog I checked out and smiled and said thank you for taking so much time with me and somehow I made it to my car and closed the door and started shaking so hard I couldn’t get the key in the ignition and hyperventilated and sobbed.  Then the storm passed and I fixed my makeup and went back to work.

So … now I know I will survive the worst news, and I guess there is value in that.  I know that even though no one came to the appointment with me, I was not alone.  I felt His presence, I wasn’t alone when I thought my baby had died inside me.  I know my limits now.  We had thought embryo adoption would be our next step but I know I can’t look at another dead baby on the screen ever again.  And for one more day, I know Newt is ok.


14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Another Dreamer
    May 14, 2013 @ 16:39:05

    Oh hun, that had to be so terrifying! I’m so sorry that you went through that (*hugs*) And I am so glad Newt is still doing well. I hope so much that things continue that way!


  2. wildgeesethatfly
    May 14, 2013 @ 16:45:38

    Wishing you continued success and a healthy baby. -Jeny


  3. Low Fat Lady
    May 14, 2013 @ 18:07:15

    How stressful! So sorry you had to go through that buy glad newt is ok


  4. Christy
    May 14, 2013 @ 20:38:43

    Oh, honey. I am sobbing so hard right now. I am so happy for you but how awful to see that image. Bug, big hugs to you.


  5. Amber
    May 14, 2013 @ 21:10:45

    This post made me reminiscent of my first pregnancy where we discovered our baby hadn’t made it on ultrasound. Every single ultrasound since has been terrifying and I am always amazed at people who start picking names and painting nurseries the day they find out they’re pregnant. Sooo glad Newt is okay!!!


  6. katery
    May 14, 2013 @ 21:48:34

    omg!!!! you scared the crap out of me, i literally felt my heart drop into my stomach! i am SO glad newt’s okay!!!!!


  7. Good Timing
    May 14, 2013 @ 22:32:11

    Oh my good lord! I held
    My Breath reading this whole
    Post and was so relieved to read to the end and see that little Newt is ok!!! 🙂
    I’m so happy for you but man, what a scare!!! My heart was pounding for you!! Come on lil Newt, keep growing bigger and stronger for your mama!!! Xoxo


  8. birdsandsquirrels
    May 15, 2013 @ 03:28:20

    Oh wow, what a horrible scare! I burst into tears when you said the baby wasn’t moving. I’m so glad that newt is fine! That is the ultimate range of emotions.


  9. Christine
    May 15, 2013 @ 20:39:39

    I can’t believe the range of emotions I had reading that! Im so sorry you had to go through that, but I’m so thankful Newt is ok!!


  10. iamstacey
    May 16, 2013 @ 16:13:00

    thanks, you guys have been so sweet and encouraging. It was a scary day but we’re focusing on celebrating Newt. Getting over a bit of a stomach virus but looking forward to the next ultrasound.


  11. Ashley
    May 16, 2013 @ 22:00:59

    What a terrifying moment that must have been! So thankful your little miracle is ok!


  12. JustMe
    May 17, 2013 @ 00:05:07

    How absolutely scary!! I can’t believe you had to go through that. Really glad that everything ended up being okay.

    Did you ever find our what was going on with the billing you for delivery?? That is so bizarre!


  13. Hope
    May 20, 2013 @ 05:55:37

    OMG girl! That post needed a disclaimer at the begining that everything’s OK. I was SO freaked out, but glad everything is good with newt. I’m a couple of days shy of 20 weeks and I’m definitely ready to be done with fertility, pregnancy and all the worries and scares that go with it.


  14. emily
    May 22, 2013 @ 21:29:48

    thinking about you.. hope you are doing okay!


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