Every time I pray about this FET, I feel a sense of peace.  Now, if I sit around and think (obsess) about it, I get stressed and worried.  But I’ve been careful not to let it go too far.  When I feel the fear creeping in, it’s back to prayer.

The last loss was hard.  It broke me.  I don’t want to break this time.  Which seems crazy, because the stakes are so much higher.  This is it.  Inside me are the last four embryos made of us that might ever be. 

This time, I don’t feel alone.  I feel so close to Troy.  We are in this together.  If our babies are not to join us in this life, we will grieve their loss, but we are looking forward to God’s plan for our family.  We have each other, we have Davie, we are so richly blessed with family and friends and love.  Whether or not we become parents again, I believe Jer. 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, Plans to give you hope and a future.”

But it’s more than that.  I knew that emotionally, this last try was going to be too much for me to bear.  I didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of grief.  So I laid it at His feet, asked Him to carry this burden for me.  Every moment I spend in prayer, I feel His presence, as if He is holding my hand.  Whatever the outcome of this try, I give it over to Him, so that the Grace of God might be shown in our lives.  In accepting His will, I am free.

“What a fellowship, what a joy divine,

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms,

What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,

Leaning on the Everlasting arms.”

Whatever we find out tomorrow, I choose peace.  I choose joy.


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