Foster-to-Adopt, FET and Frozen Embryos, oh my!

Troy and I have been talking a little bit more about foster-to-adopt.  A good friend from work is currently going through a private group called Pathway.  We’ve been in touch with them and they’ve sent us a packet to start working on.  I feel like I’m at the bottom of a massive learning curve, but since we’re not in a rush it doesn’t feel insurrmountable.  There are two things I worry about the most as far as qualifying goes – our financial state and the home visit.  We’re fine financially, but we always seem to be paying off some debt or another, and we don’t have much in the way of savings.  We’ve made great progress but are still working our way through it.

The home inspection seems a lot more daunting.  I keep a fairly clean and tidy house, but there seem to be so many rules!  Cleaning products and food can’t be on the same shelves, which is hard for us since I coupon and have quite a stockpile.  I’ve got cleaning products on the bottom shelves in the garage and canned goods above.  I’m sure we’ll be doing quite a bit of rearranging.  All meds have to be in locked cabinets.  We’ll have to get used to that, instead of having them out.  I usually forget them if I can’t see them!  All alcohol has to be in locked cabinets, too.  Where am I going to put all these locking cabinets?  Do I need to put a lock on my bathroom closet, since there are cleaning products and vitamins in there?  Are those toddler safety latches the same as a lock, and will they suffice for under the sink cabinets?  The checklist also specifies a certain amount of floor space in a child’s room.  I don’t know if Davie even has that much floor space!  They also require a written fire escape plan that is practiced regularily, and a blueprint of the house designating what each room is used for.  And what about … ahem, TMI … the marital “toy” drawer by the bed?  Are they going to look in there?  We should probably put a lock on that, too.

Well, we’ll figure all that out as we go.  I wonder how many home inspections it’s gonna take us before we finally pass?  And I realize, it may all be for nothing.  When we’re honest with ourselves, we only feel comfortable parenting a child as old as Davie, since that’s where our experience is so far.  Probably really a little younger, since we’ve found toddlerhood can be quite the challenge!  I know it’s rare for babies to come along in the foster-to-adopt pathway.  And we only want to foster a child that is available for adoption, which  I think is probably the biggest snag for me.  We went to an introductory fostering class for the state a while back, and I can still hear the speaker stressing that “the goal of fostering is to reunite families, and foster parents have to be committed to that goal.”  There is such a massive potential for heartbreak here.  I don’t want to send a child back to a bad situation.  I want to love and nuture them and keep them safe.  Our committment is really to adoption, not fostering and returning a child.  And I don’t know that our hearts, which have been so broken by infertility, could handle the heartbreak of loving then giving up a child.  I expressed all of this to Pathway, and they still encouraged us to go through the application process.  So here we go!

If anyone has gone this route, or has any fostering advice, or advice on the qualifying process, I’d love to hear from you!  Please comment or send me a link to your blog so I can read your story.  Thank you for putting it out there.

But this doesn’t mean we’ve closed any other doors, we’re just opening this one!  I’m still in a fight to the death to get United insurance to finish paying for our April and August IVF cycles.  Just $3000 left to pay, and all of it was approved in advance of the procedure, so we don’t know why United is fighting us on paying now.  But we’ve got great advocates fighting for us, so as soon as that is settled, we’ll move on to FET.  We have four frozen embryos, which we will split into two FET’s (assuming all thaw).  We’ll pay for those FET’s ourselves, and we’ve taken out Flex Spending Accounts to pay for those.  If those don’t work, we’ll go the adopted embryo route, probably two tries.

So, I don’t know that I’ll ever get to be pregnant again, but I do think we’ll be parents again, and Davie will have a sibling.  Step by step, we’ll get there.


14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. linds
    Dec 24, 2012 @ 15:56:07

    Wow, that’s quite the door you are opening, good for you! I don’t think I could be as strong as you to do this. Like you said, it would be so hard if they went back to their family. Letting go would be very difficult, but you would have loved them all the while. 🙂 I don’t know anything about this process, but wanted to say I’m thinking of you!


  2. iamstacey
    Dec 24, 2012 @ 15:57:16

    It’s so good to hear from you! Merry Christmas to you and your sweet family, my friend! 🙂


  3. Another Dreamer
    Dec 24, 2012 @ 16:11:08

    It sounds like you are taking in all possibilities and it sounds like a great plan to me! Hoping for you.


  4. Anonymous
    Dec 24, 2012 @ 16:43:43

    Stacey I admire you in so many ways. I am pulling for you in every way. I think you are an amazing person and you deserve so much. Thinking of you always, sweet friend. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo


  5. Anonymous
    Dec 24, 2012 @ 16:44:13

    That was christy from almost a mother 🙂


    • iamstacey
      Dec 24, 2012 @ 16:46:22

      lol I thought that was an awfully sweet post from an anonymous! 🙂 So good to hear from you, I think of you often. Merry Christmas, my friend!


  6. Amber
    Dec 25, 2012 @ 00:17:10

    I remember when we weren’t sure at all which path to take to have our family. It’s scary and exciting and crazy! I pray that your second baby is home in no time and the road isn’t too bumpy!


  7. katery
    Dec 25, 2012 @ 16:30:05

    wow, lots of possibilities on the horizon, i’m so happy to hear you haven’t given up. i hope you’re all having an amazing christmas!!!


  8. katery
    Dec 27, 2012 @ 23:53:22

    yeah, but we’re not doing all the treatments this time around so the likelihood that it will actually happen is pretty slim (i’m okay either way though).


  9. sangela71
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 14:32:32

    Wow, it’s been a long time since I checked in. It’s exciting that you are considering foster-to-adopt!

    I have not fostered, but I worked as a volunteer with children in the foster care system for 10 years, and the two cases I worked on resulted in the children being adopted by someone, rather than returned to their parents. So I do know a little something about this.

    This comment is already getting long, so email me if you want to talk more about it. 🙂


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