In the Moment

I’ve never wanted to live ‘in the moment’ more than I do right now.

When we’re young, we just want to get older. Then we’re in school, and we just want to build a career.  We’re single, and we just want to meet “the one.”  But right now, today – this is the sweetest my life has ever been.  Every day I marvel at the wonder that is my daughter.  Every night, I grieve a little when she goes to sleep and her bright light winks out, ’til the next morning brings her back to me again.  Each moment is so precious, so beautiful.  It’s more than I ever imagined it would be.

I see her hug my infant niece, watch her idolize my nephews.  She stares at other children in fastination and wonder.  She’s sweetly shy, absolutely enthralled.  She would make a perfect big sister.  Sassy, bossy, loving and tender.  Jealous and protective.  Loving and loved.  At this most perfect time of my life, infertility slinks it’s way into each day.  I feel so absolutely grateful for what I’ve been given, and so absolutely guilty for wanting more.  I grieve for each embryo lost, whether lost in the petri dish or bled out of my body.  I’m so sorry I failed you, my little ones.  Each one of you was wanted and loved.

I love God.  My faith is strong.  He is Creator, Giver of Life.  So why did He chose not to give life to our little ones?  Will they be waiting in heaven?  Was each a person before they began?  When does life begin?  What about the millions who miscarry naturally, before a woman even knows she is pregnant?  Are there billions more in heaven than were ever born on earth?  Have I been irresponsible with this gift, attempting to create life where it wasn’t meant to be?  Has my sin doomed my children before they ever had a chance?  Does God still love me?  If so, why did He hurt me so badly?  He could’ve chosen at any time to let any of those babies live.  But He chose not to.  I’m trying to figure out how to be okay with never understanding why.

Living in the moment means reveling in every thing that is Davie.  How insanely brilliant and perfect and breath-taking she is.  I once heard a quote about how having a child is to spend the rest of your life with your heart outside your body.  To live so raw is excrutiatingly beautiful – and exquisitely painful.  Each milestone passes with the realization we may never experience it again.  Such a strange state to live in, balanced between a dream come true and a dream unfulfilled.

Oh, Lord, please help me survive living in this moment.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Another Dreamer
    Dec 18, 2012 @ 00:30:23

    ” Each milestone passes with the realization we may never experience it again. Such a strange state to live in, balanced between a dream come true and a dream unfulfilled.”

    So well said! It’s hard, and I hope so much that you one day get to fulfill the rest of your dream.

    Reply

  2. linds
    Dec 24, 2012 @ 15:54:13

    I know it’s hard, but you are so right, we need to be in the moment and be thankful for the things we do have. I don’t know if we are going to try to have another baby or not, but I do know we are blessed to have him and that’s what I focus on. 🙂 Blessings to you this Christmas!!

    Reply

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