When Does It End?

Let’s see, where were we …

We went thru our last fresh IVF cycle we’ll ever be able to afford.  We prayed for a child … and we got a positive pregnancy test.  But…

… the numbers were low.  It was iffy.  We prayed hard for doubling HCG numbers.  And they did double.  But …

… too slowly.  And then, they went backwards.  The ultrasound showed absolutely nothing.  We cried and grieved and cried.  We prayed that the HCG numbers would go back to zero naturally.  But …

… we repeated the HCG … and it valuted up.  Only, there was still nothing on the ultrasound.  So we prayed it wouldn’t be an ectopic, that we wouldn’t have to use surgery or drugs.  But then …

… we repeated the HCG again, and again it went up, with still nothing on the ultrasound.  Since we can’t see it in the uterus, Dr. Vaughn explained, we have to treat as if it’s in the tubes.  They sent me to a pharmacy where I bought two vials of methotrexate, went back to the office, and took a shot in each butt cheek.  We prayed it would work, that there would be no more shots, no surgery.  But then …

… two days later, I was throwing up in the bathroom at work from stabbing pain on my right side.  Dr. Silverberg was out so Dr. Berger sent me to the ER where they found a mass next to my right ovary.  So … surger with Dr. Silverberg the next morning.  We prayed this would be the end of it, that we could finally put it all behind us and move on.  But then …

Dr. Silverberg found a massive cyst on my right ovary that was bleeding into my abdomen and down into my right fallopian tube.  It was the pooling blood stretching out my tube that was causing the horrible pain.  So … the cause of the high HCG was not seen during surgery.  However, Dr. Silverberg did find and remove some mild endometriosis I never had any idea I had.  We prayed again that the MTX was dissolving the pregnancy.

Recovery was quick – just some achiness and fatigue for a few days (and a horrific bout of constipation due to the anesthesia).  Today was my first day back at work, and Silverberg repeated my HCG.  It went from the 800’s to the 600’s.  The drop is good, but it’s not as much as Silverberg was hoping for.

Back to Silverberg for another HCG and ultrasound this Friday.  Praying that the numbers will have dropped dramatically and I won’t need a second MTX shot.

One prayer that I am so grateful has been answered – I did not want to see a baby, perfect with a beating heart – in the wrong place, and know that I had to take it out.  So far, there’s been absolutely nothing seen on any ultrasound, and Dr. Silverberg has assured me that it’s most likely placental tissue that won’t give up the fight.

It’s hard to understand why something so beautiful as trying to bring a baby into the world would turn into such a never-ending nightmare.  But I know I’m not the only one this has happened to.  I know worse has happened to others.  I know we still have hope.  We still have four frozen embryos.  And I know if those don’t make our dreams come true, we still have each other and a beautiful family.  But I wouldn’t wish the last two months on anyone, ever.


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Aisha
    Sep 18, 2012 @ 20:38:40

    In tears for you. I’m soo sorry Stacey. Hugs.


  2. Kari
    Sep 18, 2012 @ 22:13:36

    ((BIG HUGS)) There really aren’t words to ease your pain. I hope Friday brings some news that will help you move forward.


  3. birdsandsquirrels
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 04:24:32

    Oh Stacey, I am so so sorry. What a horrible bunch of crap to have to deal with. This is just horribly unfair. I hope that you get good news on Friday and don’t have to take the methotrexate again. Big hugs to you.


  4. katery
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 09:13:06

    oh stacey, i am SO sorry, big hugs, love you girl, hang in there.


  5. Ashley
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 12:57:53

    I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. It’s so unfair. I hope this will be over soon for you and you can move on to another cycle.


  6. Another Dreamer
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 14:08:13

    Oh. hun. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and what you’re going through right now (*hugs*)


  7. Pie
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 20:02:26

    oh man, stacey, that is terrible. i’m so very sorry, that is more than you should have to go through, for sure. but to focus on the positive – 4 frosties!! fingers crossed for them!


  8. Good Timing
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 19:05:03

    Oh my goodness. Immso sorry to hear about this nightmare you’re going through. So not fair! 😦


  9. kaxsfaouxvew
    Apr 09, 2013 @ 18:01:38



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