Pity Party

Why is every other woman in the world pregnant besides me?

Two of my co-workers are expecting and just happen to have exactly the same due date.  They’ve just hit 21 weeks, that great time when their energy is coming back, they’re starting to get cute little bellies, and they’ve just found out the genders (one girl, one boy).  Since they announced their pregnancies, I’ve had two miscarriages.  And for some reason, no matter what time of the day I go to lunch, I’m always in the break room with them.  All baby talk, all the time.

I work closely with two other women, both of whom have daughters that are expecting babies.  One is due any day now.  It’s all dilation, birth stories and the excitement of the emminent arrival of new life.  All delivery talk, all the time.

I’m so happy for each of these women.  And to be fair, only one knows what I’ve been through (she had to cover for me repeatedly through the IVF process).  I know she was rooting for me and her heart hurts for me.  What I’m going through doesn’t diminish my joy for them, and for the most part, I’m able to join in the conversation, sharing stories, sharing the excitement.

Then I go to the bathroom and it hits me when I change my bloody pad for the 4th time since I got to work.

In ten months, I’ve been through four fertility procedures, 3 IVF’s and one FET.  I’ve had one big fat negative (the FET) and three miscarriages.  Fourteen embryos have died inside me.

I know we still have 4 frozen embryos.  But it seems there is no hope.  With every failure, the pit of despair gets deeper, harder to climb out of.  My heart is so tired.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mrs. Hope
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 11:21:28

    I’m so sorry. I can’t even count the embryos, failed cycles, surgeries anymore – it’s so mind-blowingly surreal and nauseating. I wish the best for you.


  2. Another Dreamer
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 12:07:02

    Oh hun. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you right now. Hoping so much for you, and wishing you strength.


  3. katery
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 14:24:26

    i’m not pregnant! sorry your feeling so sad, i hope you get through this ok.


  4. Hope
    Sep 09, 2012 @ 13:34:21

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean. Back when I was trying to get pregnant the first time, I kept feeling like everyone was “lapping” me. But I can assure you, I’m lapping no one. I recommended my fertility dr to 3 different people and in the last few weeks, after tons of injections, I had one lousy egg and got a BFN and all 3 of them told me they were pregnant. I am excited for them, but the jealousy is still there. All those old emotions come boiling back the surface. Why can’t it ever be easy and simple for me? I hope you start to feel better soon!


  5. Ashley
    Sep 10, 2012 @ 10:55:47

    I am so sorry for your losses. I think you should throw yourself a pity party if you need to. That is a lot to go through in such a short time and it’s always hard being surrounded by pregnant people, even if you are happy for them.


  6. birds and squirrels
    Sep 11, 2012 @ 15:20:42

    I am so sorry. It is just torture to have to see pregnant women and hear about it all the time at work when your heart is breaking. I hope hope hope that one of those frozen embryos is the answer hun. I have been thinking of you lots. It’s so hard. So hard. Hugs.


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