hope deferred

on Friday the IVF nurse called and said your numbers went up but didn’t double, and your progesterone went down.  we’re still hopeful, but it just doesn’t look good.  continue your meds, call if you start to bleed

i prayed and clung to the verse in Proverbs 13: 12, “hope deferred makes the heart grow sick, but a longing fulfilled, it is a tree of life.”  oh Lord, send life

at 9pm Saturday night I found the first fat drops of bright red blood and I called Pam, the IVF on-call nurse who has gone through it all with me, from the beginning, before Davie … five years or so now.  “oh honey, how much more can you take?” she cried for me.  please, I begged, let me go in tomorrow – if it’s over, I want to know, please don’t let me have to wait ’til Tuesday.  of course, drop off your bloodwork in the morning and come on in at 1

Dr. Silverberg was doing a retrieval before 1 so I saw Dr. Vaughn instead.  He was so sweet and offered some hope – “I can’t see anything on the ultrasound, but it’s so early.  Your numbers have been low but they’ve had a decent increase each time.  We really won’t know ’til your results come back today.  There’s still a chance, get dressed and I’ll go call the lab myself.”

i dressed and prayed, Oh Lord, please work a miracle.  You can save this baby if only You want to.  Please show your great power and mercy and love.  Please know how much this baby is loved and wanted.  Please Lord, send life

still hoping I opened the door just as dr. vaughn was about to knock.  it’s not good, your numbers have dropped significantly, stop the meds, resume sexual activity, have a margarita.  resume your life.  i’m so sorry.  Then dr. silverberg rushed over from the retrieval to give me a hug, it must’ve been aneuploid i’m sorry, i’m sorry so many I’m Sorry’s

i had hope and belief right up ’til I opened that door.  He will work a miracle for us, we’ll struggle but prevail, He will show mercy.  but i was wrong,  hope is still deferred, the heart grows sick again, there is no tree of life this time

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Another Dreamer
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 15:27:15

    I am so sorry for the loss and everything you’re going through (*hugs*) Keeping you in my thoughts, and wishing you strength to get through this.

    Reply

  2. Anonymous
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 18:11:03

    Oh, I was so praying that your numbers would take off! ((hugs)) Praying for strength for you!

    Reply

  3. Christine
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 18:17:13

    The above posted before I finished and signed my name! Lots of prayers to help you through this time-give your little girl lots of extra cuddles….I know that helped me when we were trying for #2!

    Reply

  4. Pie
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 18:58:40

    oh honey, i am so so so sorry. it never gets easier, does it? hold davie extra tight today. and hugs for you, from me

    Reply

  5. katery
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 19:34:27

    i’m so sorry 😦

    Reply

  6. Stacey
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 19:36:39

    I am so sorry for you- my heart hurts. Thinking of you and your family. hugs.

    Reply

  7. Christy
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 19:49:47

    Oh, man, this is not the news i hoped to find. This sucks so bad. I’m just so sorry 😦

    Reply

  8. Kari
    Sep 04, 2012 @ 20:27:08

    I’m so sorry. There are no words to take away your pain.

    Reply

  9. Good Timing
    Sep 05, 2012 @ 13:01:51

    I know you don’t want to hear another I’m sorry so I won’t say that but I will say I’m thinking of you and sending you peace throughout these difficult times.

    Reply

  10. Aisha
    Sep 07, 2012 @ 09:26:53

    So so sorry ……hugs………

    Reply

  11. Georgette
    Sep 18, 2012 @ 15:09:01

    Please consider getting immune issues tested– none of the doctors at TFC are familiar with reproductive immunology and they will all pooh-pooh it, but it’s real and it can be treated! Come read the FAQ on my blog and I’ll answer any questions I can. That’s why I left Vaughn. Wishing you luck and saying a special prayer for you, sweetie.

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Sep 18, 2012 @ 21:12:11

      Hi, Georgette! I’m so glad you stopped by. Thank you for the advice! I will absolutely ask Dr. Silverberg about immunology testing this Friday, but the point may be moot as that was our last fresh cycle.

      I checked by your blog but I didn’t see anything about infertility (it was about jiu jitsu). I’d love to catch up on your story and I hope things are going well for you in New York with your new RE!

      Love from Austin,
      Stacey

      Reply

  12. Georgette
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 13:59:19

    Sorry, I posted with the wrong ID so it went to my other blog 😦
    Silverberg will poohpooh immune testing so don’t bother really. It’s not anyone’s specialty in Texas, sadly, and until there are some major studies with like hundreds of women as subjects, doctors will be resistant to change. Please check out the FAQ on my infertility blog, LOL– it’s cantcontroleverythingafterall.wordpress.com and feel free to email me if you want to chat– georgetteoden at yahoo dot com.

    Thank you for the wishes and they’re right back atcha 🙂

    Georgette

    Reply

  13. Just passing by
    Oct 05, 2012 @ 09:17:23

    Continue to believe, there is a season and a time, your tree will bring life.

    Reply

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