Aftermath

I’m doing alright.  Mom kept Baby Girl at our house for an entire week.  An entire week of Baby Girl is very good therapy.  I know it was hard for my dad to be without his girls all week!  I appreciate the sacrifice he and my mom made by having my mom stay with us for a whole week straight, while Dad was home alone in Gatesville. 

Davie has TWO teeth now!  And she is quite tired of everyone trying open her lower lip to see them or sticking fingers in her mouth to feel the teeth.  She just waves her head around ’til we leave her alone. 🙂  She turns her nose up at baby food now – she’s all about the people food!  Her new favorite is cottage cheese.  She just inhales it!  Oh, and waffles, too!  And mashed potatoes – yum!

I still feel a little shell-shocked at the failure of the last two attempts to get pregnant.  Alternately I feel angry, then depressed and so sad, then confused.  I tucked the picture of my last two perfect hatching embryos into the folder they gave me for the FET protocol.  Then I tucked the folder away in the sad drawer in my closet that is stuffed full of protocol folders complete with pictures of little embryos that I’ll never get to hold.

I’m not confident any more that we will be successful in our efforts to grow our family.  Yes, I do believe God knows the desires of our hearts, and I believe He has good plans for us.  But I don’t know if His plams for our lives is the same as our desires for our lives.  All I can do is pray He will give me the patience to wait for His timing, or that He will change my heart so that my desires line up with His plan.  I know it’s the only way I will find peace in the long run.  I want that peace, so I can accept and enjoy all I have now, so I won’t waste my life longing for what is not meant to be.  My prayer life is not what it should be lately, and I know I’m feeling betrayed, and I’ve lost my confidence to claim His promises.  On the other hand, I also feel like a child who didn’t get what they wanted and is now pouting and ignoring my parent out of spite.  I know I’m just coming to terms with the fact that this was not our time.  The loss is hard.  I’ve had the wind knocked out of me.

All I know is for now, I still have a deep longing to have another child, to add to our family, to experience bringing a baby into the world again.  So I will keep praying until we are successful or until I feel my heart change.  For now, I think we will wait until February to start the next IVF attempt.  That will give us time to re-fill our health spending card and to get through the expenses of the holidays.  Also, it means we won’t be ready for the embryo transfer until March, after Davie turns one.  I feel now like maybe I should have waited until after she was one to even begin trying again.  I really wanted to be pregnant by now, but I think now maybe I was pushing our luck, and I just wasted the last two tries.  I don’t know why I feel that way.

Embryo adoption has still been on my mind.  I know it’s something that Troy is still thinking and praying about, but it feels right to me.  I’m not pushing it, just letting it take time to sink in for him, to see if it starts to feel like an option he is comfortable with.  I know without a doubt that I will love an adopted embryo baby just the same as I love Davie – it will be my baby, the same as Davie is my baby.  My only fear is that when they are older they might be unhappy that they weren’t born to their genetic parents.  As much as I want another baby, and as much as embryo adoption feels right to me, I want the very best for the baby, too.  But I’m thinking that this is a fear any adoptive parent must face and come to terms with.  Any thoughts from you who have gone through adoption, embryo adoption or egg/sperm donation?

Moving on …

We have a new foster kitty, Sheldon.  He’s an adorable black and white male with a poufy round face.  I think he was a stray, but he’s so loving!  He comes running every time he sees us and rolls right over for tummy rubs.  He and Moo have made fast friends.

Next weekend we’re going on a family camping trip!  My brother Chris’s birthday is on the 18th and he wanted us all to go camping at the Renaissance Festival as a family.  Not only are the festival and the camping fun, but the people-watching is the best there!  I know Chris has been wanting to go camping with his boys and my dad for long time, but his wife JoAnn is just not the roughing it type (much like my mom).  So they’ve rented a massive RV, so we can take some of the comforts of home with us. 🙂  We’re also taking tents, though.  I can’t wait!  I hope Davie loves it.  And that it doesn’t rain too much!  For some reason, it’s always muddy whenever we go to RenFest.

Money is really tight this month.  The FET set us back a bit.  My cutting back on my part-time job hours has hurt us, too.  But I don’t doubt for a minute that it was the right decision to have more time at home with Davie.  Being away from her on the weekend was just tearing me apart.  I’m so much happier now that we have the weekends together and are going to church regularly as a family now.  I’m praying God will show us how to be better stewards of all He has given us.  I’ve started couponing and bargain shopping with a passion.  Although I’m nowhere near Extreme Couponing levels, I’m averaging $30-50 in coupons per shopping trip, so it’s slowly adding up!

Work is good.  Stressful and challenging, but I have to admit, I really am loving it.  We’ve had lots of computer network issues lately, and I’m looking forward to getting those problems taken care of.  I think Ellen (my co-worker) and I are working really well together.  She’s a great tech, and I appreciate her expertise.  And she’s got a funny side that has totally suprised me.  I think having someone to share the work load with has really helped her start to enjoy her work and has taken a lot of the stress off her, letting that humor come out.

I am seriously digging the Walking Dead and The Big Bang Theory.  I’m glad Big Bang is in syndication now.  I can watch the old ones and laugh just as much as the first time I saw them!  They really hold up.  Mom is usually with us on Thursday nights and we watch NCIS and NCIS: LA with a glass of wine after baby girl has gone to sleep.  Troy doesn’t care for cop procedurals but even he is addicted to those two shows now!  I keep trying to watch Once Upon A Time but I think it’s going to be too in-depth for me to keep up with.  Does anybody know what Snow White did to the witch to make her hate her so much?  I’m so confused.

Earlier Troy ate half a bag of blue cotton candy that the nephews left at our house this past weekend.  Now he’s tossing and turning in bed and threatening to throw up.  Gaaa, what a sensitive stomache.  He’s worse than Dude, our French Bulldog that throws up EVERYTHING (and then eats it again).  I keep telling Troy he must be in-bred like Dude, which he doesn’t find near as funny as I do.  And really, who eats blue food?  I never eat anything blue, on principle.  It just seems like a bad idea for edibles, in my opinion.  I really hope he doesn’t throw up on the white sheets, gah.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pie
    Nov 15, 2011 @ 10:45:42

    ((((((hugs sweetie)))))))

    I’m glad you are finding solace in sweet Davie, she sounds like she is at such a fun age. I’m glad you had the whole week to enjoy her. But I need pics!!

    Reply

  2. katery
    Nov 15, 2011 @ 13:57:37

    i love the walking dead too 🙂 so sorry about the fet, i’m glad you have sweet little davie to keep you occupied.

    Reply

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