Sorry I’ve taken so long to post again.  I promise, I haven’t been moping this whole time.  Just a little bit.  Ok, maybe more like some, but not the whole time.

Wednesday was hard, and I have to say, even knowing what was happening, it was still hard to believe we weren’t going to get a BFP.  God had worked out so many of the snags along the way, it just seemed like we were destined to succeed!  Then to hear that our insurance coverage might be over on top of it that BFN, it was crushing.

It seems like there always has to be a crisis or two with every single cycle we have gone through.  Usually insurance issues first, followed by some health reason we might not be able to go forward.  Like this last time, at first United said we wouldn’t pay up front but would file with insurance first;  then they changed literally at the last minute and said we needed to pay Austin IVF first, then file with United and be reimbursed later.  We got that figured out, only to hear that we might be derailed by my thyroid levels.  One drama after another!

But then on Thursday I learned that to do a frozen transfer, it would actually only cost us $1,060 – $510 to Dr. Silverberg at The Texas Fertility Center, and $550 to Austin IVF.  Don’t get me wrong, $1060 is a lot of money to us and it would be really tight, but we could do it!  There’s nothing that helps me get over the BFN funk like hearing we can move forward on another try.  Troy and I decided we would look over the budget and see if we could fit it in before the holidays.

Thursday night was my nephew Andon’s birthday, and we celebrated by making mini pizzas and having cake and ice cream.  My brother is off on a work trip, but my SIL JoAnn came by for a few hours.  It was so good to visit with her!  She showed off her almost-20-weeks baby bump.  She’s so adorable!  I had a little bump envy, but not in a bad way, more in a wistful way.  I can’t wait to meet my new little niece or nephew!  We should be finding out soon!

Andon and Cayle


On Friday, my rep at United finally returned my call, and she confirmed we DO have coverage for two more IVF’s!  Hearing that made me realize how small my faith has been.  I felt so sure we’d get a BFP, that when we didn’t, I was like the disciple who strutted out on water only to sink five seconds in.  I’m so ashamed I let myself sink so fast.  Hopefully I’m learning to be stronger, one lesson at a time.

Our United rep laid out our coverage to the financial counselor at Texas Fertility, Diana.  She explained to me that we actually have coverage for two more egg retrievals and two more embryo transfers (or, two complete IVF’s).  We’re going to use one of our embryo transfers to do a frozen embryo transfer cycle (FET) with our two frozen embryos.  I had my baseline appointment on Friday and we signed all the paperwork.  We’re a go!  I’m taking an estradiol pill 3X/day, and I go back on the 20th for a lining check.  The FET is tentatively scheduled for the 27th.  I’m already praying that our two snowflakes will survive thaw and implant!

At the appointment I asked Dr. Silverberg why he thought the last cycle was a bust when everything seemed so perfect.  Without hesitation he said, “Forty year old eggs, that’s what happened.”  Ouch.  But I appreciate that he’s so straight-forward.  He said that he and the embryologist make the best choice they can at the time of the transfer, but there’s a good chance the two that made it to freeze are stronger embryos.  He felt we should keep trying IVFs, at least until our insurance runs out.

It’s funny how this last IVF cycle felt so different to me than the first one (we got pregnant, but miscarried, then did an IUI and got pregnant with Davie).  The first time the embryos didn’t seem real … it’s hard to explain, it’s more like they were a “hope” or a “wish” than a “baby.”  I really didn’t give much thought to the ones that died off, and even though I miscarried I felt elated that we had finally had a BFP, although it was a brief and passing one.

This time, it was harder for me each time we lost an embryo.  Every one felt like a “Davie” that would never come to be.  I’m sad I miscarried the three that were put in my body.  I’m so happy that two made it to freeze, and I know we would’ve gone back and done an FET with them, even if we had gotten a BFP this time.  But even beyond those five, I was sad for the other 10 that just stopped growing in the lab.  If they had been transferred, would they still have died, or would they have had a chance to implant and grow?

All of this has gotten me thinking a lot more about frozen embryos and genetic connections.  Troy and I started all of this thinking that if we couldn’t have a baby together – my egg and Troy’s sperm – we didn’t need to have kids.  I’m so happy we have Davie, we hit the jackpot.  I’d love for Troy to have a son to pass on the Harlan name.  But do I need a genetic connection to love a baby?  I know now that I don’t.  I can love any baby.  And there’s all those embryos out there, frozen in time.  I don’t know if Troy feels the same, he seemed a little surprised when I brought up the possibility of embryo adoption.  I think maybe he still feels he needs a DNA connection.  Do I need to have another baby?  No, I know Davie is enough.  But I want her to have siblings.  And I know without a doubt I want to experience pregnancy and birth again.

I read that there are 400 to 500 thousand frozen embryos in storage in the US.  Each one seems to me now like a Davie frozen in time, waiting for a chance at life.  I asked Dr. Silverberg if Texas Fertility participates in embryo donations, and he said they do match couples with donated embryos.  I don’t know if this is something that I’m just becoming aware of, or if it’s something that God is laying on my heart, maybe to prepare me for the future.  I don’t look forward to more BFNs, and I hope with all my heart we are successful with our own frosties, if only because I want them to live as much as any other frozen embryo. 

In another blog I read that some only condone embryo adoption if the adopting couple has already exhausted every effort to have a baby of their own.  Since only 10% of the frozen embryos in the US are available for adoption, it is taking babies away from couples who have no other choice.  And sometimes donors only want to give their embryos to a couple who hasn’t been successful, to be part of making their dreams of a family come true.  I can see these sides of the issue, as well.  It’s a lot to ponder, and has just been on my mind lately.  It’s not something I would pursue unless Troy felt the same, of course.

Sunday was Baby Girl’s seven month birthday.  How can she be seven months old already?  She has found her voice!  She squeals and babbles at everything and everyone!  When she gets tired, oh my goodness, she has a temper.  She’ll plop down and bend over so her forehead is on the ground and just yell for her bottle.  If we take too long, she just falls over fast asleep, like we turned off a switch.  So much personality before she can even say a word!  She loves her cousins, Elmo, the dogs, her PopPop and “swimming” in the baby pool.  And I love every minute with her!

Seven Months!


My Baby Doll!



7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Another Dreamer
    Oct 06, 2011 @ 14:10:45

    I’ve been thinking of you. I’m glad that you have a plan, that always helped me to put things into perspective. I hope that have success, no matter where your path leads you 🙂


  2. linds
    Oct 06, 2011 @ 23:03:21

    Good for you for this positive post! Keep your head up with this new plan and look towards those frosties! 🙂


  3. mothernatureschmature
    Oct 11, 2011 @ 20:58:24

    It’s so great that you have insurance coverage! I’m jealous!!


  4. Stacey
    Oct 16, 2011 @ 22:50:30

    Hey there… sorry I’m so late catching up with you. I’m so sorry about all that you’ve been through these past few weeks, and hoping and praying with you that next time will be very different.

    Your sweet girl is growing so much and is soooo adorable! I know she brings you lots and lots of joy. 🙂


    • iamstacey
      Oct 17, 2011 @ 18:06:58

      It’s always hard to see that BFN, I know you know that better than I do! But once I step back and get some perspective, it always helps. It’s just hard in the moment, you know?


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