Life Goes On

The past week has been hard.  But life goes on … 

I still miss breastfeeding, but I’m making my peace with it.  Mom kept Davie at our house for two weeks straight.  It was wonderful to have Davie fall asleep on my chest every night, and wake up to her chattering to herself every morning in her crib next to me.  I love that early morning time, when I pull her into bed between Troy and me, and we get to watch her stretch and smile.  She’ll roll to one side and grab Troy’s nose and squeal, then roll to the other and grin and giggle at me.  She’s so happy in the morning!

I miss Lila.  It’s a heavy pain that never leaves me.  I know they say it gets better in time, and I want to be happy, but I feel like if I’m happier, it means I will have forgotten her.  I know that’s not the case, but right now, I still feel raw.  There will be moments when I’m overwhelmed with the realization that she’s not here, and I feel like I’m crushed by the knowledge.  It’s especially rough at bedtime.  It helped having Mom and Davie here, and my nephews stayed with us a lot.  Being surrounded by giggles and make-believe and happy chaos, it’s hard not to smile.

I had my interview last Friday for the new position I’m wanting so badly.  It’s with the same company but at an office close to Troy’s office (and closer to home).  I think the interview went well.  It wasn’t perfect, but I felt like I was able to express my enthusiasm for the job, as well as my unique experiences that I feel make me best qualified for the job.  My boss seemed receptive.  She did say my interview was the first and she had three or four more to do.  I’m just praying like crazy that this job is in God’s plan for me! 

There are several reasons why this job will be a good thing for us as a family.  The job will allow me to commute far less.  It will allow me to cut back my part-time weekend job hours, probably to every other weekend or even one weekend a month.  It will allow us to go to church.  I want so badly for Davie to grow up strong in the church like I did!  It will allow me to reconnect with my friends.  Working weekends is incredibly lonely and isolating.   Career-wise, it’s an opportunity to stretch and grow, and I’ve been stagnant for a while now.  I’ve lost some of the fire I used to have for my job, before the big merger we went through three years ago.  When I think about this new position, all that fire comes rushing back!  I miss feeling passionate about my job – and I didn’t even realize it!  And the #1 reason I want the job:  More time with Davie. 

Troy was talking to a friend who also has a baby, and his friend asked him who watched Davie.  Troy replied, “My mother-in-law does it during the week, and I do it on the weekends.”  When I heard this, it just broke my heart.  How can it be that I’m not part of that equation?  I’m her mother!  I know we need the income I make at the part-time job.  I know that I was part of the bad financial decisions we made in the past that make it necessary for me to work a second job now.  But priorities have changed.  I know now that I need to be with my baby to be happy and mentally healthy.  So even if I don’t get the new position, I’m still cutting back on the weekend hours, and I’ve already talked to my boss about it.

Another perk of the new job would be that Troy and I could actually carpool together!  Not only would we save hundreds on gas by using one car, but it would give us more time together.  However – Troy has now applied for a promotion at his job!  It would move him into a whole new area and he would learn a whole new skill.  Many of his good friends he started with five years ago have already moved into this department, and they were eager for him to apply.  I’m so proud of him for applying – it’s hard for him to get out of his groove once he gets comfortable!  It would be a little more money, too.  But – since he will be the new man on the totem pole, there’s no way to know what his schedule will be.  Right now we’re so lucky that he works days, no weekends.  But he could end up with split days off (Tuesday and Saturday, for example), and may have to work evening hours.  I still want him to take the position if he gets it – it’ll just be a matter of time before he works his way back up and can make it back to days.  He hasn’t had a interview yet, but I’m so proud of him and excited to see him grow.

I know it seems like I’ve been chronically depressed.  Honestly, I don’t feel depressed.  It feels more like a combination of grief and being overwhelmed.  But I’m happy in my marriage, I adore my baby, I’m so lucky to have such an amazing family, my friends are the best.  And even if I don’t get the position I want, I do like my job and I appreciate my boss and co-workers.  I still miss breastfeeding but the grief of losing it is gone.  We’re finally catching up on bills from maternity leave (phew).  Our Frenchies Dude and Dobby and MooKitty crack me up every day.

And – more good news – Dad has applied at two churches near the Austin area.  Having my parents right here in town would be heaven for me.  I could pick up Davie every single day instead of having her spend part of the week at their house!  I could go over to my mom’s house anytime I wanted to just hang out!  We could join my dad’s church!  We’re saying our prayers that God will bring my parents to this area soon!

TTC update:  I’ve got nine days of the 21 days of birth control pills down.  That’s over a week!  Less than two weeks to go!  Dr. Silverberg was out all last week at a conference, but he should be taking a look at my chart this week and making a plan for me.  I expect later this week or early next week to order my drugs.  Around the same time, I should find out if I get the new position or not.  I’ll be holding my breath!


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Another Dreamer
    Aug 08, 2011 @ 15:31:48

    You do have a lot going on, and I completely understand about the grief/overwhelmed feeling (*hugs*) It’s tough.

    I hope things get easier soon.


    • iamstacey
      Aug 08, 2011 @ 22:17:53

      I know it will. When Troy talks about whether or not he gets the promotion, he’s so easy going about it! “If it doesn’t work out, I’ll try again next time!” Why isn’t his calm zen rubbing off on me?


  2. Aisha
    Aug 08, 2011 @ 21:01:38

    I’m sorry things are still tough but glad you’re focusing on the bright side, as you always do. My fingers are crossed for your new job!!!


  3. Stacey
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 21:10:32

    So sorry I’ve been out of touch. I’m sorry to hear about the end of breastfeeding (but so proud of you for working so hard to do it for that long!) and about the loss of Lila. Praying for you as you wait to hear about the new job position and definitely as you TTC #2. Wishing you all the best, friend! Thinking of you.


    • iamstacey
      Aug 15, 2011 @ 14:16:09

      I’m so glad you stopped by. I love seeing the pics of Lily! She’s growing so fast! She’s such a happy baby 🙂
      Thanks, I still miss Lila every day. No matter how much time goes by, I think I’ll always miss her.


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