Too Much Too Fast

I want to say thank you to each of you who have sent me condolances and hugs.  They’ve meant so much.  I’m writing a post about Lila, but it’s hard and it’s going to take me a little while.  I’m struggling, the tears are always just below the surface, and the heartache seems to blind me all throughout the day.  It seems like I’m underwater, everything is blurry, and everyone sounds like the parents in the Charlie Brown cartoons.  It’s so hard to concentrate.

 Lila was always a pretty quiet kitty, so it seems like she’s not really gone, she’s just asleep somewhere, and then it has to hit me over and over that she’ll always be gone.  Sometimes I’m wracked with grief, sometimes I’m numb.  It surprises me how physical the grief feels … it’s not just an emotion, my body actually hurts … if only a Vicodin would take it away.  It’s exhausting.  I’m so tired.  Just gettin’ by for now, I guess.

I made some mistakes at work this week.  One minor, but made some extra work for my boss;  and one that could’ve been major but was caught in time by a co-worker, thank goodness.  I know it’s understandable but that doesn’t make it acceptable.  And I’m trying so hard to get the new position.  I know last week’s mistakes aren’t helping my efforts, and I’m so scared I’ve taken myself out of the running.  I want this job so very, very badly.  Getting the new position would mean I would go from 32 hours to 40.  I could stop working most weekends, maybe just do one a month.  We could go to church.  I could devote every weekend to Davie.  I could get some sleep.  I’ve waited three years for this opportunity and it’s hard to see myself blowing it, yet feeling helpless to change it.

My good friend Melissa and her boyfriend Aaron came by on Friday evening to just say how sorry they were and to give love and condolances.  They’re both big animal lovers.  I was at work so I missed them but they stayed and visited with Mom and Troy and Davie for a while.  They even brought a card and flowers, so sweet.  The first thing I thought was how much Lila would’ve enjoyed chewing them. 🙂

Mom stayed with us all week and kept Davie and my nephews, Cayle and Andon, at our house. (My brother, Chris, was out of state with his SWAT team all week.)  Troy and I have loved having everyone with us.  The boys adore Davie and it’s mutual, she watches everything they do and just lights up and laughs every time they stop and talk to her.  They make us laugh every night.  I love watching how much Troy and the boys enjoy each other.  It would be a dream to be able to get pregnant again and to get to see Troy with a son (although we’d be thrilled just to have another baby!). 

Davie has been eating rice cereal for a while now, and we’ve slowly been introducing new baby foods.  Troy decided to tackle carrots:

 

I ended up just throwing Davie, Troy AND the Bumpo seat in the shower!  She has loved everything she has eaten so far, although she’s not super excited about bananas.  She’s getting to be such a big girl now, she really wants to hold her own bottle.  On Tuesday she will be FIVE MONTHS OLD!  It doesn’t seem real!

On Friday I finally started my period.  I called the Texas Fertility Center, only to find my IVF nurse, Amanda, had left the company.  So now I have a new IVF nurse, co-incidentally enough named Mandy.  In order to get the IVF protocol started, I had to run by TFC to have my blood pressure taken.  Then they called in a course of antibiotics for both Troy and me and birth control pills for me.  We needed to update our transmissible diseases bloodwork and I needed to have some hormone levels drawn on day 3 of my cycle, so I picked up those orders at the same time.  Troy has already gotten his done and I’ll do mine on Sunday.  It’s exciting to have the ball rolling again, even thought it’s still really early in the cycle.

Mom’s birthday is on Monday, so on Saturday we all got together at Chris and his wife JoAnn’s house to celebrate.  It was so good to be around family.  We were all sitting around the table talking when JoAnn said, oh, I got a new onesie for Davie that I just couldn’t resist.  She jumped up and got it for us.  Here’s Davie modeling it (when she’s supposed to be sleeping):

It says, “I’m going to be a Big Cousin!”  Yes, JoAnn is pregnant!  They’ve been trying since January.  I’m so, so happy for them, and for us as a family!  Davie will have a little cousin close to her age!  It will be my brother’s third but their first (and only) together.  I did feel a twinge of wistfulness to get to be pregnant again, but no jealousy.  While we were going through the years of fertility treatments before, for some reason they were the couple I was most jealous of, most afraid would have a baby before us.  It felt good to be able to be just purely happy for them.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pie
    Jul 31, 2011 @ 10:44:10

    Awww, it makes me sad to read about how you are struggling with the loss of your sweet kitty. (((((big hugs sweetie)))))))) Use work to distract you, get your mind off of things perhaps?

    On a happier note – OMG, Davie has gotten so big!! She is a big girl now! So cute!

    Reply

  2. Low Fat Lady
    Jul 31, 2011 @ 11:27:27

    *hugs* I am sorry your having a hard time.

    I recognize the design on her bottle, we are using the same one 😉 Love the pic of her eating carrots. That is adorable.

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Aug 01, 2011 @ 14:27:11

      It’s amazing how much of the carrots ended up in her nose! Daddy is going to have to work on his aim. 🙂 Before Davie was born, I researched bottles and just knew she was going to love Breast Flow bottles. I knew I’d probably have trouble breastfeeding since I had breast reduction surgery, and I wanted bottles that were most like the breast. I bought a bunch of them, and they’re expensive. And she HATED them! She ended up liking the Dr. Brown bottles best. They’re a bit pricey, too, but we’ve been picking them up a bit here and there, and they work great.

      Reply

  3. linds
    Jul 31, 2011 @ 17:10:37

    One again, I am sorry about the loss of your precious Lila and hope it gets easier with each day that passes. Love the sweet pics of Davie, she just gets cuter and cuter. Good work on the job front – that is awesome about the new position – keep working hard and I know it will all pan out.
    And so exciting you are getting all your blood work and everything done – the ball is definitely rolling, isn’t it?? Thinking of you! xoxo

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Aug 01, 2011 @ 14:28:48

      Thanks, Linds. I miss her every day! Hopefully the good memories will take over soon and things will get easier.
      Starting a new cycle helps so much! I can’t help but get excited, especially now that it’s officially a go! The three weeks of birth control pills are a pain, but it’ll give me time to get insurance in order before we start the injectables.

      Reply

  4. katery
    Jul 31, 2011 @ 19:37:52

    aw, i’m so sorry you lost your kitty 😦

    Reply

  5. Another Dreamer
    Jul 31, 2011 @ 20:55:56

    (*hugs*) again on the loss of your sweet kitty. She was very lucky to be so loved in her time here. It really is so hard to lose them, my heart really goes out to you.

    And Davie is so cute. She’s darling. Very exciting about starting up a new cycle soon, I hope good things come your way.

    Reply

  6. iamstacey
    Aug 01, 2011 @ 14:55:41

    Thanks for the hugs. Lila was so very adored and spoiled. 🙂
    We’re hoping lightning strikes twice for us! We’ll always be lucky either way, though!

    Reply

  7. Katie
    Aug 04, 2011 @ 22:17:11

    I am so sorry about the loss of your kitty. I understand how hard can be to have to say goodbye too soon to a muchloved pet.

    Reply

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    Oct 13, 2012 @ 22:40:01

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