It’s Not Easy

Yesterday was my first day back at work.  I had set my alarm for 5, but Davie woke up at 4:50.  I nursed her 15 min on each side, then Troy topped her off with a bottle while I pumped.  I barely got anything, which means she got almost all of my milk.  🙂  I wish I made more, but I’m glad she’s getting it all when she nurses. 

Then I got ready for work while Troy burped her and tried getting her back to sleep.  By the time I was dressed she was still perky, so I got to talk to her and cuddle with her for a bit.  Finally I passed her off to mom, who came in Sunday afternoon and stayed a couple days with us.  Then I gathered up my lunch and my breast pump and headed to work.  (Troy works later hours, so he had already crashed back out.)

On Mondays I commute to one of our out-lying clinics, and the 1 1/2 hour commute each way really did suck.  I love listening to podcasts, mostly ones from movie director Kevin Smith and one called Doug Loves Movies done by a comedian, Doug Benson.  They both make me laugh, and the time goes by faster.  Sometimes I listen to a Christian podcast or weight loss podcasts;  sometimes I crank up the tunes.  Really the drive itself isn’t bad, but I hate the time away from home and how much we spend on gas.  I’ve talked to my boss about this and she’s trying to phase out how often I go to the outlying clinic, and I do go a lot less now, but it’s still a work in progress.

It was great to see everyone at work.  Work itself was frustrating, though.  There was an instrument down and we had to call service.  I forgot every single password for every single program I use, so I got to spend a lot of time calling different tech support numbers.  And the lab was due for internal inspection (where the boss’s boss comes out and goes through our books and procedures).  Fortunately the tech who works here on the days I’m not in Marble Falls was able to come out and help.  Id’ve been lost without her here!  And by the end of the day, I had all new passwords, the instrument was fixed and we passed inspection with flying colors. 🙂

As I drove up to the house after the long commute home, Mom was waiting on the porch with Davie.  I was so happy to see them, I just jumped out of the car and left everything inside!  Mom is so awesome, she took care of the pets and did all the laundry, so I got to spend the evening just snuggling and breastfeeding (whenever Troy didn’t have her – he likes some snuggle time, too). 

Today is a little harder.  Davie woke up at 3:45, then fell back asleep by the time she finished breastfeeding, so we all went back to sleep.  When I got up to get ready for work, she was still out.  By the time I was ready to leave, she was up again and Troy was feeding her a bottle.  I snuggled and kissed her, then started bawling.  Today Mom is taking her home for two days to be spoiled rotten by her PopPop and Nana, so she won’t be there when I get home. 

I’m tearing up again just typing it out.  Which is silly – she’s already spent two days with them before this week.  But for some reason, it’s really hard today.  I think I’m more tired today, and it’s really sinking in that this is going to be the new routine.  Everything about Davie has been like a dream, and I’m afraid I’ll wake up, at work, back in rut of day-to-day life.  I don’t want to lose the dream.  Getting to come home and smell her head every night keeps that dream real.

Hard as it is, it would be even harder to leave her with a stranger.  Maybe later, when she’s older, we’ll try daycare.  But hopefully by then Mom and Dad will be living right here close to us and there will be no need to change.  I feel like all the choices make me a bad mom – bad to leave her with a stranger who is watching over 5 other toddlers, bad to let her leave me for two nights, bad for looking forward to catching up on Game of Thrones on HBO this evening then going to bed early.

But it does feel right and good to know she’s with my parents.  That part, I have NO worries about whatsoever.  Her every need is met. She is thoroughly loved and cherished.  Life is all about her.  That makes me happy, makes me feel like I’m making the right choice for my baby.  Now if I can just survive until Thursday.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kari
    May 17, 2011 @ 12:55:13

    Welcome to the world of Mothering. I have been plagued by Mommy Guilt since day 1 and I stay at home and haven’t been without my baby for a night. In fact I haven’t been without him for more than a few hours…like 4 at most. So find some comfort in the fact that if you weren’t feeling guilty over daycare/Grandparent care/working you’d be feeling some Mommy guilt over something else anyway. It’s just part of the job I think to question every decision you make and wonder if you’re making the right choice. I think Mommy guilt may have been the part of the job description I skipped over. All you can do is make the best choices for your family. I hope it gets easier for you and can I say I’m jealous that you can catch up on your shows and get some sleep? 🙂

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      May 17, 2011 @ 14:58:16

      I think you’re right – I had no idea how seriously intense the ‘mommy guilt’ was! I feel it about everything! And I am looking forward to TV time and sleep tonight, but I’d give it all up in a heartbeat for an evening of smelling baby head! 🙂

      Reply

  2. Stacey
    May 17, 2011 @ 13:05:37

    It sounds like such a struggle, but like you said– you’re doing what is best for your family and for Davie. The decisions aren’t easy.. but they have to be made and you can be secure and happy knowing she’s well cared for! 🙂 Hoping the next few days go by in a blur!

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      May 17, 2011 @ 15:01:04

      the ‘knowing she’s well cared for’ is the only part that makes it better. I think whatever we’d gone with I would’ve questioned if it was the right decision, but at least this way I know that part is covered!

      Reply

  3. lifebytheday
    May 17, 2011 @ 13:30:16

    Sending you hugs…hope the rest of the week goes by fast and easily!

    Reply

  4. Pie
    May 17, 2011 @ 16:30:36

    You are right, it is not easy. But you are doing your best, and she is being spoiled rotten with your parents. And you are allowing her to foster a strong bond with them, which is such a great gift to Davie. It’s like she will have 4 parents, which is just so special. Think of the time away like that, that you are giving her the gift of a close extended family, which is rare these days.

    And enjoy the sleep, even with the guilt, the sleep will be sweet. 🙂

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      May 18, 2011 @ 12:44:59

      I slept great, but then I started waking up around 4 ’cause that’s when she usually likes to eat! 🙂
      I LOVE it that Davie will be close to her grandparents. It really feels right that they will be a vital part of her growing up.

      Reply

  5. Christy
    May 17, 2011 @ 19:33:14

    Oh, honey, that’s so hard! HUGS! p.s MORE PICTURES NEEDED!

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      May 18, 2011 @ 12:49:11

      I know! I meant to put more pictures up tonight but I forgot! And then I fell asleep early and it was niiiiiice! 🙂 Thanks for the hugs, I really need ’em this week!
      Have you read this blog: http://www.jennepper.com/. She (Jen) just lost a twin. Thought you could send some veteran love and support her way. And she’s funny! 🙂

      Reply

  6. linds
    May 18, 2011 @ 08:44:10

    I can only imagine how hard it must be. In Canada we get a year off for maternity leave, which is so much better! Move here for your next one, lol!

    What do you think of the Game of Thrones??

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      May 18, 2011 @ 12:57:39

      That’s it, I’m going Canadian next time! 🙂 Wow, I am SO jealous!
      I’m liking Game of Thrones so far. I didn’t read the books, but it’s kept my interest! It’s like Tolkien with sex! 🙂 How about you?

      Reply

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