On Our Own

I’ve decided to password protect posts that are specifically about work.  There are no great epiphanies or anything like that, but if you’d like to read ’em just email me at Daisy6671@aol.com.  I’ll still talk in generalities about work here, but I just want to be careful about specifics.  I read so much about folks losing careers over blogs and FB and such, and I tend to be really blunt so I just want to cautious.

This past week was just Davie and me at home!  Mom went home last week to spend some time with Dad.  She also has volunteer work and church activities to catch up on.  We missed her, but I think we did pretty great!  I didn’t always get a shower, but I got one at least every other day.  I didn’t pump breast milk as much (still at least 4X/day, more if I could), but I breastfed much, much more.  I’ve found I tend to stay home more and just enjoy Davie when it’s just the two of us.  When Mom is here, I feel like I need to keep busy and get errands done, and I feel more confident, so we tend to spend too much time on the go when we’re together.

Davie has started to smile!  She just LOVES it when she realizes she has anyone’s full attention, and she rewards us with the biggest smiles!  Her hair is getting longer in the back.  She’s now 2 1/2 lbs bigger than when we brought her home, and she can’t wear her ‘Newborn’ outfits anymore!  Newborn diapers are too small for her now, too.  We’re still using up the last of them at home, but sometimes when she has a big blow-out it’ll get around the newborn size diapers.  The size 1’s still look so big on her, though!

On Wednesday Davie turned 5 weeks old, and I had my first day of NO bleeding!  I went from tons of huge, mega-pads for about 3 weeks, to several regular pads a day, to a week of two or three light days pantyliners a day.  Then two days of just undies!  Felt SO great to actually feel dry and clean!  Then, just an hour ago, I went to the restroom and was surprised to see a bunch of blood when I wiped.  Now I’m wondering, did I just celebrate too soon and now it’s back?  Or is this my first period since the birth?  Is 5 weeks too soon?  My 6-week final OB appointment is this Wednesday, so I’ll ask the OB when I go.

The night sweats have gotten TONS better.  I forgot to write about that, I think.  We had to stay in the hospital for five days after Davie was born until her bilirubin levels went down, then I was back in the hospital in less than a week for the kidney infection.  Once I got home, I woke up several times during the night just shocked at how wet the bed was.  I’d check the sheets to be sure I didn’t accidentally leak or wet or bled on the sheets.  It took me a bit to realize I was sweating so much, I could almost wring the sheets out!  We were changing the sheets every day or every other day.  It was a pain and they felt so icky!  Now the sheets are sometimes a bit moist, but never soaked with sweat like they were before, thank goodness.

It’s starting to set in that the time to return to work is getting closer.  May 16th is the day I’ll return to full time.  It’s hard to think about it.  I don’t want to leave her.  Financially, we can’t do it.  I could scale back and work less hours – if we didn’t want to try for a second baby.  For that, I have to keep up enough hours to accrue paid-time off and short-term disability. 

But with all my heart, I DO NOT want to hand off my precious girl to a daycare.  I really love Mandy, who is the wife of my brother’s SWAT team member.  Troy and I got to go out and meet her, and she has a real heart for the kids.  But mine is special – of course!  I can’t stand the thought that if she cries or fusses or needs attention, she might not get a response.  She will think she’s alone, that no one is interested in her.  It breaks my heart.  I don’t know if I can do this, but I know I can’t NOT go back to work.  I try to put in the back of my mind, because it just breaks me if I think about it too much.  If she weren’t one of many at daycare, if she was only one of a few, it might be easier.  This is so hard.  How can I entrust her to a stranger, no matter how well-recommended?

My dream is of course to stay home with her.  If not that, I’d love for my mom to keep her.  It would still be hard to leave her, but not near as hard as leaving her at a daycare.  Mom would love to keep her, so it seems perfect, right?  The only thing is, mom ‘n dad live an hour and 15 minutes away.  So Mom would have to stay with us for the week, and Dad really needs her.  The church where he pastors has already been grumbling about Mom being away so much.  Dad is looking for work closer to us, but at his age, it’s hard.  He needs something where he makes at least what he makes now, and has good insurance for them both.  Then my brother and I would both pay my mom for daycare, and she’d probably take one or two more.  I would LOVE it if that would work out.  I pray about it every day.  I pray about it HARD. 

We need each other, every one of us.  I need my mother’s wisdom to become a better mother and wife.  I need my father’s adoration of my child and his spiritual leadership.  My parents need their grandchildrens’ unconditional love.  My nephews need my father’s gentle guideance and easy way about him (being military, Chris can be overly strict sometimes).  My brother and SIL need my parents, too.  My brother and I can help support my parents financially by paying them for daycare.

Oh Lord, please bring us together.  You have created us for each other and we need each other so very much.  Please bring us together.


19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pie
    Apr 08, 2011 @ 07:21:19

    It is so hard leaving the little one. I’m sorry it is stressing you, especially when there are other maybe possibilities. I’m hoping it finds a way to work itself out.

    And for the bleeding, I did the same thing! I thought at 6 weeks “oh I’m done!” and the a few days later, a mess. This happened on and off til about week 7-8 for me, and I’m told, totally normal. Keep the panty liners handy. I’m almost to week 13, and still no period (but I’m still breastfeeding too). And glad the night sweats are lessening, I still get them now and then. Yuck.


    • iamstacey
      Apr 09, 2011 @ 01:48:30

      I wondered if breastfeeding would make it take longer ’til we’d see AF again. And my cycles have been really long for the past few years, usually about 6 weeks. The spotting has gotten really faint again within 24 hours so I think you’re right, it’s just residual from the birth.


  2. linds
    Apr 08, 2011 @ 09:07:14

    I know it will be hard to leave little Davie, but the reasons you are doing it are good and it will all work out in the end. So glad you are starting to feel better with less night sweats and bleeding. Our bodies are amazing, crazy things, aren’t they??
    Enjoy Davie’s smiles and soak up the last month and a bit of time at home with her. 🙂


    • iamstacey
      Apr 09, 2011 @ 01:49:42

      Thanks, Linds. You’re right, I need to focus on the good stuff while it’s here instead of wasting this time worrying about what’s to come! It’ll get here soon enough! 🙂


  3. Ashley
    Apr 08, 2011 @ 10:23:11

    Leaving your munchkin will be hard, but it will get better! I swear! Hopefully something will work out with your mom. Maybe you could meet her halfway or something and she could take your munchkin home with her? Enjoy those smiles and your time together!


    • iamstacey
      Apr 09, 2011 @ 01:54:27

      I’ve been playing with just those sort of ideas! Gas is so high right now, but maybe we could take turns having mom keep her at our house and her house. I ‘m just not sure how long I can go without her with me, though. But we’re all praying and hoping it works out!


  4. katery
    Apr 08, 2011 @ 15:53:50

    i know exactly how you feel. i ALMOST quit my job when it was time for me to go back to work. i definitely had the option since louise’s daycare costs about as much as i make, so financially, there’s not much point in my working. at first i had a friend watching louise while i worked (m-f 9am-1pm), but she couldn’t do it forever so i asked around and found a woman who runs a very small daycare out of her home. i also couldn’t stand the thought of louise crying and no one coming to pick her up, it made my heart ache just thinking of it. the daycare she goes to now has a little baby girl named bryn who is 7 months old, two 18 month old boys and some other random older kids who are there from time to time. everyone has a different scedule so all the kids aren’t always there but gail (the daycare lady) is really nice and i can tell that she really cares about louise. louise NEVER cries when i drop her off, as a matter of fact, sometimes she cries when i pick her up, because she doesn’t want to go home!! so basically, what i’m saying is, i’m really glad i kept my job and i really like louise’s daycare provider, i hope you can find someone you like too. the first two weeks were REALLY hard, so prepare yourself for that, and then it gets better, you’ll still miss her though.


    • iamstacey
      Apr 09, 2011 @ 02:04:27

      I hope if we do have to take her to daycare, we have the same experience! I know she’ll be well-cared for, I just want her to be as loved and adored as she is now, of course! 🙂 I really do wish I stay home another three months. I wonder if it would be easier to take her to daycare at 6 or 9 months than it is at 3 months. I think it’s just going to be hard for me.


  5. Jenny
    Apr 08, 2011 @ 18:24:27

    I completely understand how you feel. I planned to go back to work when my guy was 3m old. But since I got laid off when I was pregnant and only did contract work until his birth, I didn’t have a job to go back to. I ended up finding work I could do from home part time – the cost of daycare was so much that I bring home the same working part time as if I worked full time and had him in daycare. I know its hard to leave her with someone, but she will be fine. I pray that you can find a way for something to work with your mom – I know that would be ideal!

    I was the same with my bleeding – off an on all the way until 7-8wks! I was so sick of it! My cycle didn’t return until I stopped breastfeeding…then went crazy, until Keri at TFC told me I was pregnant! Insane that Dr. Vaughn whipped my body into shape or something. 🙂

    Good luck with everything & enjoy your time with Davie!


    • iamstacey
      Apr 09, 2011 @ 02:20:37

      Hey, Jenny! Good to hear from you! I’d just love it if I found myself pregnant again without any IF treatments. 🙂 Keepin’ my fingers crossed!

      What kind of work do you do? I can’t do what I do from home, but hopefully I’ll eventually be able to cut back my hours. I think that would help a little. Fortunately my husband will be dropping her off in the mornings and I’ll be picking her up in the afternoons, so hopefully that will help me just a little. I’ve even started about doing daycare myself – anything to stay home with her! And of course, we’re still holding out hope my mom will be able to keep her.

      If you’d rather email, I’m at Daisy6671@aol.com.


  6. Hope
    Apr 09, 2011 @ 07:03:49

    I’m already having all of these feelings about leaving Quinn and have pretty much decided it’s not going to happen. I worked too long and too hard for her to turn her over to someone else. The time passes too quickly. The insurance thing is still a question for us, and figuring out how to pay for fertility treatments for #2, but I am trying to trust it will all work out.


    • iamstacey
      Apr 09, 2011 @ 21:07:47

      Oh, Hope, I’m really struggling with this! I think you’re making a great decision. I wonder, what if we never get pregnant again? I’d have wasted time with Davie working to make money to try again. What if we DO get pregnant again? I’ll still feel like I missed out on important days of her life. I just don’t trust anyone else to love and care for her like I do – except mom, of course. I’m still holding out hope that it’ll work out for mom to keep her!


  7. Womded
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 12:05:04

    Ugh! I’d forgotten about the sweating! That was awful. It is a normal post-partum response to hormonal changes and returning to normal. I doubt you’re having a period since you’re bf.

    I’ll pray for a solution for childcare that will give you peace.


    • iamstacey
      Apr 11, 2011 @ 23:10:03

      Yeah, I think you called it on the period – I think it’s still post-partum leakage. *sigh* So much for hoping I’d spring back to normal!

      Ugh, the soaked sheets are so awful. I still get a little dampness, but nothing like at the beginning! At least I don’t feel like I have to change the sheets every day again. Ew.


  8. birdsandsquirrels
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 14:20:41

    Yay for smiles! What a fun stage!
    I hope that the situation with your parents works out for all of you. It sounds like they are a great help, and it would work out well for everyone.


    • iamstacey
      Apr 11, 2011 @ 23:11:44

      She just started to try to laugh! She’ll let out a laugh, and it startles the heck out of her! Then her eyes get big and she just stares at us like, why did you just yell at me? She just cracks us up every day! I don’t want her to get older, but I can’t wait to hear her really laugh!


  9. Aisha
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 21:13:11

    I’d love to read password protected posts!

    I know, when my mom was here, I also was in a rush-rush-rush to do things while she was here to take advantage of the time I had- but yes isn’t it lovely to sink into a moment and truly savor your child?? I’m so happy for you. So very happy for you. *hugs*


    • iamstacey
      Apr 11, 2011 @ 23:13:58

      I’m getting better at crying “Uncle!” and letting Mom know I’m ready to slow down and have savor-the-baby time! Mom just wants to help me, and I just have to remember to let her know when it’s time to take it easy.

      I know you’re celebrating with me! 🙂 I can’t wait to see your #2! 😉


  10. Low Fat Lady
    Apr 17, 2011 @ 20:00:23

    What breast pump do you use? I have started to research them now. I hear that medela is the best brand, but I’m trying to figure out what kind of pump to get.


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