Passing on the Dream

Today I let go of one of my most precious possessions.  I wasn’t using it, it was just wasting away by staying with me.  But it was with an uncertain heart that I shakily passed it from my hands to the hands of another who could use it.

I gave away my last two Gonal F pens.

They’ve been hanging out in the back of my fridge for seven (almost eight!) months now.  I noticed the expiration date was getting close, and I hated for them to just go to waste.

And there’s the co-worker who has been trying for years longer than I have.  It took us 3 1/2 years to get pregnant – which felt like decades – and it hurts my heart to know that 3 1/2 years must seem so unfair to her, like a blink of an eye.  In fact, we didn’t find out about each other both seeing RE’s until about a year and a half ago (although we’ve worked together much longer, it hasn’t always been at the same location), so it must seem to her like it happened really fast for us.  After all the years she’s been trying, it must suck to see a pregnant belly waddle down the hallway all day long, but she’s been a huge supporter and cheerleader.  So when she confided in me that they had finally saved enough to try again with a surrogate this year, I blurted out, I have two pens left, I can give those to you.  I immediately gasped internally, the voice of IF fear and heartache squeaked, why would you give those up?!  Now you’re going to end up needing them!

She was over-the-moon overjoyed to have the pens.  As happy as that made me, it still gave me a little pang to let them go.  What if I end up wishing I had kept those two pens?  What if, heaven forbid, something happens and we don’t bring a baby home?  Will lightning strike twice and give us a #2?

Assuming all goes well, we’ll be trying for #2 again late this summer or early fall.  We’re so fortunate that Troy’s insurance makes our infertility drug co-pay almost miniscule compared to paying for them with no insurance.  Letting go of the pens before they expire was the right choice, although I have to admit I don’t really know if I did it out of practical common sense or survivor’s guilt.

Either way, it was the right thing to do.  Hopefully, I banked a little good IF mojo, a little of the ol’ baby dust, by passing on the dream.


16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kari
    Jan 17, 2011 @ 16:02:35

    What a fabulous thing you did!! I know how hard it was…I kept my Follistim pen loaded in the fridge until LD was here. I didn’t have unopened fertility meds but I was terrified to let that Follistim go. Passing on your meds absolutely gave you positive fertility mojo, it’s in your account to draw on during your next time TTC for sure. 🙂 A similar situation I found myself in was with all the extra milk I’ve pumped. My freezer was full and some of the milk was nearing the 6 month mark but I was afraid to let it go thinking my supply would dry up or I’d get sick and lose ounces and run out of what I had left if I donated some. I’ve donated twice now and it’s scary every time to see that cooler full of liquid gold walk out my door. Despite seeing how healthy the little guy I’m donating it to is, it’s still scary. So I get your fear-but trust me you did an awesome thing and you will be richly rewarded!! Sending positive vibes to your co-worker that her cycle is successful and you can look at her LO and know you played a part in that miracle too!! 🙂


  2. JeninMICH
    Jan 17, 2011 @ 16:56:49

    I just threw away all my old IVF stuff from 2007. It is difficult! Thanks for writing this – I was feeling badly that I can’t have #2 (#1 was an amazing surprise) and this is a reminder that some people don’t ever get #1.


    • iamstacey
      Jan 18, 2011 @ 13:37:22

      Hi! Thanks for stopping by and reading! I enjoyed catching up on your blog, too! It was really hard to let go, but now I feel like we’ll be starting fresh and new with #2!


  3. Low Fat Lady
    Jan 17, 2011 @ 18:45:36

    I think thats great you have someone to give them too. If you do happen to need them for #2 the pen is the least of your costs lol. I have thought about giving away my follistim and pen as well, but I think I’m going to wait a bit longer.


    • iamstacey
      Jan 18, 2011 @ 13:38:19

      I’d wait a little longer! I felt better having them in the fridge thru the first two trimesters. I can’t believe you’re almost in your 2nd already!


  4. MrsBushey
    Jan 17, 2011 @ 20:28:28

    I felt the same way when I let my meds go. Then when I started having issues a few weeks later I really started freaking out about what I had done. Now, at almost 26 weeks I still wonder if I should have saved them, as nothing is certain till you are holding the baby in your arms. But hopefully the IF gods are smiling down on you and you reap the rewards in the end.


  5. Aisha
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 10:28:24

    Stacey its been so long that we have felt this way- that its going to be hard to realize you dont need those gonal pens anymore, etc- I know that I STILL get jealous sometimes when I hear about someone’s pregnancy. . . even though I have my heart’s desire. I think when you spend SOOOO much time in a particular place- its one thing for your mind to know something, but your primal heart that has been bruised for some long takes a little while longer to heal.

    So excited for you Stacey! Its funny you called her your cheerleader, because as I’ve told you, in the dream I had the morning I got my positive pregnancy test that was Waleed, I had a dream of you cheering that I would succeed. LOL. 🙂


  6. babybaker
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 17:34:18

    that’s awesome! i still have a follistim cartridge, a brand new thing of lupron and a crap load of needles but i’m not ready to part with them yet. they expire in 2012 so maybe just maybe i would want them? (with 2 on the way, who am i kidding?) i know i should just do it and help someone else out but i’m not ready yet. but i will be one day – like you! very admirable, my friend! it was the right thing to do and soon you will be snuggling with your dream!


  7. katery
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 21:31:23

    blarg… i’m sorry i never sent mine to you!


  8. Womb For Improvement
    Jan 23, 2011 @ 10:04:57

    You did the right thing. Karma ‘n all that.


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