Apparently I Don’t Set the Schedule

With Troy the possibility of a pregnancy lookin’ more hopeful than ever before, and with having just gotten Troy on the right track hormone-wise, it’s been hard not to wonder why we didn’t get here sooner.  Why don’t they check out the men at the beginning of the process when they check out the women?  Why didn’t we double my Crinone dose earlier?  Why didn’t I give up on Clomid and go to injectables more quickly?

And then I remember Romans 8:23, which says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” After the IVF and miscarriage, I was determined to just stop obsessing about TTC.  To keep my OCD mind from going right back there, I took a little break from the blog, and I filled the hours of my day so I was too busy to fall back into that old rut.  In classic OCD fashion, I ended up overfilling my schedule.

We planted a huge garden this year, which of course required a lot of nurturing, weeding, pruning and watering.  I took on waaaay too many kitty fosters.  Many of our fosters turned out to be very, very sick.  I ended up getting up at 4:45 every morning to give their medicines, clean their stuffy little noses and eyes with warm water, and to force-feed those that were too sick or weak to feed themselves.  Some were so sick, I’d give them IV’s in the morning and evening, and put them in a little nebulizer tent (like a humidifier, but with medicines in the steam) through the day.  I’d barely have time to get myself ready before rushing out the door to work.

As soon as I’d get home in the evenings, the process would start over.  I’d make new liquid food for the really sick in addition to taking care of our own pets and the house.  Troy would get home and join in, and we’d finally fall in bed exhausted around 10:30 or 11 – then the alarm would go off and we’d start all over again.

I have to admit, as exhausted as I was, I’d truly found a labor of love.  Wrapped in blankets in my arms, they’d look up with their big eyes, rasping through their stuffy little noses, while drop by drop I filled their little tummies.  I’d sing songs and they’d start to purr so sweetly.  In the end, we lost two, but slowly 10 little babies began to find their energy and to leap and play like healthy, happy little kittens do.  It’s  been such a joy to me as they’ve found their new forever homes.

Through it all, I learned that that having that many kitties in the house means a lot of dirty litter to scoop.  It means you’re probably going lose a glass or a plate or two.  It means any flowers will be eaten or shredded.  It means we always have to shuffle our feet and look before we sit or we’re likely to squish a kitten.  It means we’re never cold when we sit down to watch TV.  It means we never lack for a wet nose kiss or a kitty to love on.  I learned it’s beyond heartbreaking to lose one, and I never stop second-guessing what I could’ve done differently or better.  I’ve learned I never want to take on that many fosters at one time again.

But I also learned I’m stronger than I ever realized.  I’ve learned a “burden” is also a blessing and a great joy.  I can get up in the densest fog of sleep-deprivation and still get everything done that needs to be done.  I’ve learned the weeding can wait ’til the next day and the garden won’t fall over just ’cause I forgot to water one day.  I now know I can depend on my husband, and even if he doesn’t do it the way I do, the way he does it is just fine.  I’ve learned depths in myself I thought were long lost to Ben & Jerry’s and too much TV.  I’ve learned patience.  I’ve learned to laugh more.

And through all the mind-numbing routine, I found myself praying more than I had in a while.  I found myself claiming promises that I gave up on, such as Ps. 113:9,  “He makes the barren woman to be the happy mother of children.”  And Jeremiah 29:11, which says,For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  The old hymn, Great Is Thy Faithfulness always seemed to be playing in the back of my mind.  It’s sad to admit it’s been a bit since we’ve been in church, but I think sometimes He speaks to me through those old hymns of my youth as the pastor’s daughter.

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Whether or not this is our time, the time our hopes will finally come to be, I believe there has been a purpose to our wait.  Perhaps there was a part of me that was still too selfish and self-absorbed to be the mother He wants me to be.  Maybe I needed to know that I will have the strength when I need it.  Maybe I needed to realize that Troy is the father and partner I need.  Maybe I needed time to believe the promises I’ve been claiming.  One thing that changed through this time is that I began to pray, “Thank You for the family we will have, thank You for answering our prayer, thank You for our children,” as if He had already answered our prayer.  I don’t know why that changed in me, but I began to believe He had heard, that He had a plan for us.  I realize now, it doesn’t matter if we’d tested Troy in the beginning.  It doesn’t matter if I’d doubled the dose of Crinone a year ago.  Because it’s not science and it’s not medicine and it’s not Dr. Silverberg that will create a child in me.  It is the Lord, in His time, and according to His purpose, so that His faithfulness and goodness to His children will be shown in our lives, and to the glory of God my Father.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Txgirl
    Jul 15, 2010 @ 18:58:28

    Thank you for the thoughts about timing and God’s purpose-I get too caught up in day-to-day life goings on and forget to look to Him. Here’s hoping the u/s went well.


  2. katery
    Jul 15, 2010 @ 22:26:20

    omg omg omg, i hope everything went ok today, i hope you’re ok.


  3. Stacey
    Jul 16, 2010 @ 14:31:34

    That is truly one of my favorite hymns. Love those words; they are such a comfort.
    Thinking of you and hoping for an update and great news!


  4. Siera
    Jul 16, 2010 @ 17:11:01

    What a beautiful post. Sounds like kitty fostering is good prep for a new baby! You passed beautifully. I love “Great is Thy Faithfulness” When my youth group used to go visit the old folks home (so cliche I know) for our monthly visit we always used to sing that hymn. I find in calming.

    Congrats on the pregnancy!


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