Chemical Pregnancy … or Maybe Not

So, it turns out it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy, after all. When they repeated my HCG a week later, it had more than doubled – still not in viable range, by a long shot, but they scheduled me for a u/s right away to be sure it wasn’t a tubal pregnancy. The rising HCG levels indicated that implantation had taken place, but such low numbers correspond strongly with genetic abnormalities and miscarriage.

On Monday Mom went with me to see Dr. Silverberg. He said my ovaries looked great and he didn’t see any tissue on the u/s, so he felt confident it was not a tubal pregnancy. He wanted me to repeat the HCG – if the levels went back to zero, I will have miscarried on my own, if they went up, I’d have to get a shot of methotrexate (MTX). MTX is actually a chemotherapy drug that dissolves fast-growing tissue, which if you think about it, is what a fetus really is.

Dr. Silverberg and the whole staff at the Texas Fertility Center were so kind and sweet. Dr. S said he would’ve rathered I just got a negative than have to go through this, and if it was the chemical pregnancy situation, I would’ve agreed with him. There’s something beyond cruel with a chemical pregnancy. With a negative, it’s horrible, but Aunt Flo comes, you grieve, you move on to the next try. With the chem. preg., there’s that faint BPF, that huge surge of hope, then you get crushed.

We IFer’s can find hope in the smallest of details. Even though I’m not going to have a baby, I had to admit to Dr. S that it actually gives me hope to know that implantation did take place. The night I had the dream, it was actually real – even though I’m not going to have a baby, I was pregnant, even if it was only for a few weeks. Dr. S did tell me that once a patient has been pregnant, even if it is a miscarriage, the odds go way up that they will get pregnant again. It’s not much, but it makes me happy to have been pregnant, such as it was. While I was checking out, Dr. Silverberg gave me a sweet hug and patted me on the head, which for some reason cracked me up. He was very sweet and positive about our next try.

I had some light cramps and spotting for 3 or 4 days, then repeated the HCG. I was so happy when my IVF nurse, Keri, called to let me know that my levels were back to zero. No MTX for me! She said as soon I have my next cycle, to call and they’ll start the BCP’s, and we’re on for the next try!

We’ll actually probably have to wait two cycles. We still have $500 to pay off for the last cycle, then we’ll get our receipt and we can submit it to insurance. It usually takes them about 4 to 6 weeks to re-imburse the cash, and in the meantime, I’m hoping we can save another $1000 for meds and appointment co-pays. So, I’m thinking it’ll be May or June before our next go. I wish it could be sooner, I’m so ready already!

Mom and I spent the rest of the day after my appointment weeding the garden and the flower beds. We went to check out a local nursery I had passed million times but never stopped in. It’s gotten me all inspired and fired up to get some gardening done! So far I haven’t gotten to the flowers yet, but I’ve gotten most of the vegetable garden in. We planted a few different types of tomatoes, yellow onions, bell peppers, jalapenos, another pepper I can’t remember, cilantro, rosemary and parsley. I still need to get the garlic, squash and zucchini in, then I want to fill out the mint garden. From last year the spearmint, chocolate mint and pineapple mint are doing great! I’d like to find one more kind of mint to finish out the rest of the garden when the mint hasn’t spread to yet.

I was pregnant, it wasn’t just a dream. That fact + garden therapy + warmer weather and sunshine = happy Stacey. I’m doin’ alright.

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. K
    Apr 05, 2010 @ 22:33:19

    **hugs**

    I can understand the mixed emotions you’re feeling. I have a lot of hope over here for you, whatever that’s worth, I am glad that you have renewed hope and hope with you that next cycle will be it!

    Reply

  2. Katie
    Apr 05, 2010 @ 22:44:38

    Oh Stacey, what a bummer that it decided to stick around so long! On the other hand, PRAISE GOD you didn’t have to take the methotrexate! I had a shot of that toxic drug last July with my ectopic, and it wasn’t fun.

    I am holding out all hope that the next IVF will be the one for you! Especially with the new knowledge that your beans can stick!!!!

    Reply

  3. amber1279
    Apr 05, 2010 @ 23:23:59

    what a horrible rollercoaster, but I am glad that the HCG returned to zero. Here is to the next cycle!

    Reply

  4. mybumpyjourney
    Apr 05, 2010 @ 23:41:21

    I am glad to see that you are doing alright. Getting out and getting your hands dirty a certain type of therapy nothing can replicate. I am still so sorry about your loss {{HUGS}}. I hope you can get the next cycle going as soon as you can!

    Reply

  5. Michelle
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 03:37:48

    I am so sorry about that. I have been through that a couple times! Once with my cervical ectopic and had to take that drug but they had to do it surgically. It was not fun. The other time it was so early they never knew where it was implanted but they were sure it was in the wrong place. My numbers were VERY low. So I had to have the metho shots. UGH! I am glad that you did not have to get those but sad you had to go through this at all. Sending lots of hugs!

    Reply

  6. Low Fat Lady
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 06:58:56

    I hope he is right in that you will get pregnant again quick because of this. I’m sorry you had to go through it but it did implant!

    Reply

  7. katery
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 07:21:44

    oh my gosh, that’s actually sort of good news!! i mean of course it’s terrible that you lost the pregnancy, but you WERE pregnant and that means you can be pregnant again!!!! i hear your odds go up on the second round so i bet the next cycle will be THE ONE!!!

    Reply

  8. athena
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 07:47:35

    oh i’m so sorry {hug} glad you’re feeling good.

    Reply

  9. Amber
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 08:17:54

    What a positive way to look at a tough situation. You’re right- you were pregnant and that means you CAN get pregnant again. Keep your spirits up! I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through, but I’m hoping that the next cycle will work perfectly!

    Reply

  10. Kari
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 08:53:56

    So sorry you had to go through all of that. 😦 Glad the garden thearapy is helping to bring your spirits up!! 🙂

    Reply

  11. Christy W
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 20:40:42

    Stacey, I know we all hate to hear this, but honestly, you continuously amaze me with your strength. You are such a fabulous person. I know this hurts (not that I know this particular hurt, well, you know what I mean) but you are making it.
    I’m just so sorry, and I wish I could make it so you could try right away your next cycle!!! Keep updating us and we’ll keep prayin’.

    Reply

  12. stacey
    Apr 07, 2010 @ 14:47:33

    I am really sorry you had to go through that, but happy that you are looking on the bright side. Hopefully it will mean a healthy pregnancy is right around the corner! It’s great that you like the doctor and staff at the clinic. Sounds like you are in good hands. I’m so hopeful for you!

    Reply

  13. Myndi
    Apr 08, 2010 @ 11:08:47

    That is such a positive way to look at it. I’m not sure I would have had such an easy time seeing the silver lining through all the tears and heartbreak. But you’re right. Getting pregnant once bodes well for the future. I’m so hoping the next cycle is the one!

    Reply

  14. Hope
    Apr 13, 2010 @ 22:19:07

    Sooo sorry to hear this. I just went through the exact same thing at almost the same time. I totally agree a BFN would have been easier. I was so irritated at the wasted time that I have to wait to recover and try again. Here’s hoping we are now super fertile like everyone says you are after a mc.

    Reply

  15. Molly
    Apr 30, 2010 @ 12:30:55

    On Stacey, that is hard. My thoughts are with you!

    Reply

  16. Hope
    May 18, 2010 @ 19:43:16

    I totally agree with you. I had a chemical/ectopic (they never could decide) in March and I would have preferred a BFN. The waiting is what irritates me the most, waiting to mc, then waiting a natural cycle to try again. Hopefully your next cycle will be the ONE.

    Reply

  17. looknomore
    Jul 15, 2010 @ 01:51:13

    I also have a chemical pregnancy in my 3rd IUI attempt after 2 years of TTC. Actually I feel that having this pregnancy even if it was not a viable one had given me a big ray of hope. For 2 years we have tried with nothing- not even a hint of positive.And there is nothing evidently wrong with my husband and me. I was contemplating on moving on to IVF next cycle. Now I am sure that I can concieve and I will very soon. AM scheduled for a lapro/hystro this cycle to remove any doubts of endo.Just wanted to share my experience. All the best to everyone and I am sure ur next cycle will be the lucky one

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Jul 15, 2010 @ 14:39:01

      The chemical pregnancy, as hard as it was, really did make me feel like I had gotten a step closer than ever before. And they say you’re more fertile after an episode like that, so maybe the next IVF will be the answer for you! I’m hoping so!

      Reply

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