Last Night I Dreamt…

….that I was pregnant.  I had just had some routine labs done in preparation for our next round of IVF, and I was at work when Amanda the IVF nurse called to tell me, “Stacey, we got your lab results back, and you’re pregnant!”  Of course, I didn’t believe it, I wasn’t expecting that kind of news, so I had to have all the labs re-drawn, and I peed on a hundred sticks, before I finally made it in to the clinic to get a sonogram done.  The clinic staff were congratulating me, and my co-workers at my office were celebrating with me, and the best part, I finally got to tell Troy and my family that there was a baby on the way.

And while there was this whirlwind of joy and celebration all around me, I was in this warm calm bubble, where I felt such peace it was beyond joy.  The purpose I had been searching for was found, and I had meaning, an identity, I had a name.  Mother.

And then the alarm clock went off and I asked Troy really?  Was it really daytime?  And he said, Yes, I’ll hit the snooze.  Immediately my mind began to race, looking for reasons why I shouldn’t get out of bed and leave this heavenly dream, my car wouldn’t start, did I feel sick? there was an emergency in the family.  But Moo was purring on my head and Lila was purring on my hip and I somehow slid right back into that peaceful bubble.

  ‘Til the alarm clock buzzed again and I remembered that I had to go in, I am out of time-off, I used up all I had accumulated so far on our last round of IVF.  So I struggled to dis-entangle myself from the sheets as I struggled to stay entangled in the dream.  Moo and Lila protested with me for a minute, before deciding retreat was the better part of valor and curling into the warm spot I left behind.  I stumbled through the semi-dark to the bathroom where I sat on a toilet seat so cold it knocked the breath out of me and my dream bubble burst, and once again I’m just an infertile who is going to be late for work.

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25 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pie
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 08:53:26

    ((((HUGS)))) Sweetie. You deserve that dream to become your reality. I hope it happens soon.

    Reply

  2. lifebytheday
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 11:07:15

    Pregnant dreams are the WORST. Sorry sweetie.

    Reply

  3. Amber
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 11:24:32

    There is nothing more disappointing and cruel than a dream about something you really want. I wish I’d only have the ones where I’ve been arrested in a foreign country or where I’m naked in a public place being made fun of. Those are good ones to wake up from…

    Reply

  4. stacey
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 15:52:30

    This post was so beautifully and descriptively written, and your longing for it to be a reality really comes through. It’s so hard to wake up from dreams like those. Praying that it will come true for you sooner rather than later.

    Reply

  5. Low Fat Lady
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 16:39:32

    It is so hard to wake up from those dreams. They seem so real. I hope you have this for real soon.

    Reply

  6. Sweet Georgia
    Mar 26, 2010 @ 07:53:04

    Those dreams are such a tease; I hope your dream becomes a reality soon.

    Reply

  7. Another Dreamer
    Mar 26, 2010 @ 08:46:34

    I hate it when the bubble bursts, it’s such a strong undefinable feeling.

    Reply

  8. Michelle
    Mar 26, 2010 @ 09:27:24

    I hope some day soon it is not just a dream. Sending lots of hugs!

    Reply

  9. kedson23
    Mar 26, 2010 @ 10:54:46

    Your dream will come true someday. ((HUGS))

    Reply

  10. katery
    Mar 28, 2010 @ 07:02:29

    you have esp, you just dreamed about your future!

    Reply

  11. lillyshephard
    Mar 29, 2010 @ 22:50:40

    beautiful post…and you are never “just an infertile”.
    here’s to that becoming your reoccuring dream until it becomes reality!

    Reply

  12. StacyH
    Mar 31, 2010 @ 16:03:07

    “A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep.”

    I hope your dream comes true!

    Reply

  13. Michelle
    Mar 31, 2010 @ 17:24:33

    I left you a virtual easter basket. Check it out on my blog.

    Reply

  14. mybumpyjourney
    Apr 03, 2010 @ 23:31:28

    {{HUGS}} I had a dream like that not to long ago and I was so sad to wake up. I tried SO HARD to go back to sleep. Hugs sweetie!!!

    Reply

  15. katery
    Apr 05, 2010 @ 12:14:55

    i just wanted to drop by and say hello, i hope you’re doing ok 🙂

    Reply

  16. amber1279
    Apr 05, 2010 @ 22:07:18

    I hate waking up from dreams like that to reality. I had one a few months ago that I gave birth and it was Christmas time. Well, there is no way I will happen because I am still not pregnant.

    Reply

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