More Up than Down

I’m still sad, it’s still hard.  But it’s more happy than sad now.  Every now and then I run across another tube of Crinone in the bathroom, or push aside the milk in the fridge and find my half-finished pen of Gonal F, and a wave of sad flows back in.  The hardest was taking the envelope out of my bag that I’ve been carrying with me for the last three weeks.  I opened the envelope and took out the picture of my three beautiful embryos, and had a good long cry.  Then I tucked it away in my IVF folder.  The babies that almost were.

I haven’t prayed much, but I will.  I think He doesn’t mind if I take a moment to get my breath back.  He may not have given me the answer that I wanted, but I know He has the comfort I need, and He’s ready when I am.

Today was a good day.  I got a lot of sleep.  It was really cool out, but there was a lot of good, bright sunshine.  We opened windows and let fresh air blow through the house.  Weeding in the garden made me feel productive.  We have a new foster kitty, the sweetest little six month old boy with two broken back legs.  He just loves and snuggles with us.  Tomorrow we’ll drop him off at the vet for x-rays and more permanent bandages.  The shelter named him Ricardo but it doesn’t fit him at all, so I’ve been calling him LoveBug.

Troy hates the bedspread I get out in the winter ’cause it’s “too noisy” – not the pattern, it’s all one color – but the actual fabric is shiny and it makes a sound when he moves, which he doesn’t like.  I think it’s beautiful, though, so it comes out every November! 🙂  But today, I felt ready for a new, brighter look.  Last year a Dillards closed at the Highland Mall in Austin, and I got a fun sunny yellow paisly duvet and shams set that was originally $80 for only $14!  It’s in the wash now but I’ll get a pic of it tomorrow.  I had stored it away with a bunch of other blankets in a plastic case in the garage.  I drug the whole case in so I could unpack the one I wanted and pack up the winter stuff.   Moo jumped right in to help out:

Then he hopped up on the entertainment center to recharge.

Troy was so glad to see a new bedspread, he didn’t even complain when I asked him to help flip the mattress and put on the new dust ruffle! 🙂  We watched “Law Abiding Citizen” (it was ok but Gerard was much prettier in 300) and the new series from Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg, “The Pacific”  (excellent!).  Troy grilled hot dogs for dinner and I made a sour cream coffee cake.  It was a really good day.

I feel like I’m getting a fresh start on a new week.  I think I’m ready.


24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lillyshephard
    Mar 21, 2010 @ 23:50:59

    i’m so sorry to hear of your loss…i’ve been behind on reading/commenting lately. so glad today brought a bit of comfort, but as grieving usually comes and goes in waves please know i’m remembering you. with care, l


  2. Amber
    Mar 22, 2010 @ 08:13:41

    There’s always something that can trigger a flood of emotions when you least expect it. I’m so sorry it’s been so hard lately!

    Glad you have Moo to entertain you and keep your mind off of it!


  3. Kari
    Mar 22, 2010 @ 08:13:56

    What an adorable little ray of sunshine that Moo is!! Glad you have been feeling more happy than sad, it is difficult I know. Please know I’m thinking of you!!


  4. Jessica
    Mar 22, 2010 @ 08:37:32

    You are so strong and have such a great attitude. I admire that!! You continue to be in my thoguhts.


  5. K
    Mar 22, 2010 @ 11:07:47

    *hugs* I’m sorry that you had to go through this experience. You are in my thoughts. Your courage and outlook is inspiring.


  6. Myndi
    Mar 22, 2010 @ 15:28:48

    You are handling everything rather beautifully, and though it likely counts for little in this moment and time, eventually you can look book and should be proud of yourself. You are holding up so well!


  7. Low Fat Lady
    Mar 22, 2010 @ 16:41:41

    *hugs* It sounds like you are doing well with coping. It’s hard but you have the right attitude. I really hope this next cycle is the one for you. Sounds like a perfect name for the new kitty and awesome job on the good find for the comforter.

    You made me realize that I meant french bulldogs instead of english on my blog. oops. You should post a pic of your frenchies 😉


  8. katery
    Mar 22, 2010 @ 20:46:13

    ahhhh, i wish it would have worked out for you, i am thinking of you and hoping you find some peace.


  9. stacey
    Mar 23, 2010 @ 12:48:20

    I’m sorry to hear about those painful reminders that are around, but glad that you’re starting to have some good days, too. Thinking of you.

    P.S. Gerard Butler usually makes me feel better. 😉


  10. Glass Case of Emotion
    Mar 24, 2010 @ 10:43:18

    Stopping by from LFCA. Wanted to send you a virtual hug! Failed IVFs are a such a tough challenge. 😦 But you are stronger than IF, I am sure of it…


  11. Rebecca
    Mar 24, 2010 @ 19:24:48

    So sorry for your loss. Glad to hear you had a good, comforting day. Hope you find strength & peace when you need them.



  12. samcy
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 11:47:50

    I’m so sorry to hear of you loss. May you find peace and healing in due time.




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