Take a Ride on my Seesaw

At the embryo transfer, I told Dr. Silverberg that I was feeling slight cramps, like very early hints of my period.  He said no, it was my ovaries contracting after all that stimulation.  When my ovaries cramp, it’s more to the sides and deeper, different from period cramps.  And if I was about to start my period – if for some reason my body was not ready to accept the embryos – as much as it would suck, I’d rather freeze my great embryos, start over getting my body ready, then try again with the transfer.  But, Dr. S. said it was normal, don’t think about it, so I put it out of my mind.  The mild cramps have continued from then to today. (Thumbs down)

The weekend was great, Mom and Troy were great, they waited on me hand and foot.  I slept a lot, watched a lot of TV.  It was wonderful!  (Thumbs up!)  When Mom left on Sunday, I was super sad to see her go.  It’s wierd ’cause although I always miss her when we’re apart, I’m not usually so sad ’cause I know we’ll be getting together again soon.  I guess it was hormones.  (Thumbs down.)

Monday girlfriend Melissa and I went to see Michael Franti and Spearhead and John Mayer in concert.  (Thumbs up!)  It was a good show!  We had such a good time.  And I know what you’re thinking but we had seats so I sat a lot and took it easy.  Yes, I know John Mayer is a schmuck but he actually plays and sings amazing blues in addition to the radio hits, and I ended up enjoying the concert more than I thought I would.  And who can resist this cheery Spearhead song?

The next morning I got a call from Austin IVF.  Our other two embryos didn’t make it to freeze.  (Thumbs down.)  But really, it’s ok.  I’d rather start fresh if the embies are just so-so quality.  Although I’ve read there’s actually a slightly higher % of success from IVF with frozen embryos than from fresh embryos, which surprises me.

Monday morning I found out we’re getting a quarterly bonus!  (Thumbs up!)  Woohoo!  Couldn’t have come at a better time!  I wish we’d get it tomorrow, but it’ll be in our checks on Monday.  Nice!

Then, I went to the bathroom right before leaving work at 5pm today…and there’s blood on the tissue.  (TWO thumbs down.)  It’s not enough to get on my undies, but it’s there every time I wipe.  And it’s brown and rusty, not bright red like implantation bleeding.  And the cramps are getting a little more intense.  Not uncomfortable, but I’m aware of them.  I called the on-call IVF nurse Pam, but she said some bleeding is normal, don’t panic, stay hydrated, keep taking the Crinone gel and wear a pad.  If I stat to fill a pad, call the doc.  She said it could be implantation bleeding, but she didn’t seem too hopeful when I told her it was constant, not a couple of drops, it was rust colored, and I had cramps. 

This is EXACTLY what happened after the last IUI.  My body is not only saying no, it’s saying “Hell, no, you ain’t pregnant.”  I can’t even have hope for the f’in 11 days.  It sucks I have to wait another week to get the final “Negative.”  I couldn’t help it, with mom here, we got so excited together, we started to hope together.  I just don’t know if all the money, the emotional drain, the begging for time off and trying desperately to keep my job through all the appointments … if it’s worth 4 days of hope.  ‘Cause that’s all I’m walking away from this with.

I feel like I’m not being heard.  I told them I thought I needed progesterone after the last IUI but I didn’t get it.  I told them this time I had concerns that my body wasn’t ready and they were glossed over.  The whole ovarian stimulation process was not well controlled, and apparently my body was not properly prepared for embryo transfer.  I can’t afford any more “learning” runs at this.  I have two tries left, that’s it.  It’s time for success.

I really like Dr. Silverberg, and Austin IVF has a great reputation.  But I wonder, should I start checking into other options?  Should I go for the place in Colorado?  It would definitely cost us more as it would be out of network.  And it would be more strain on the finances with the required travel and time off from work.  But, if we don’t do it while we have some insurance coverage, we’ll never be able to afford it.  I think I’m just desperately grasping for straws.  Deep down, I thought this was our time.  I really thought we had it figured out.

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24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. katery
    Mar 09, 2010 @ 23:02:21

    there is still a good chance that you are pregnant, i would tell you not to give up yet but i know how you feel, you feel exactly how i felt the last time i had an iui, i was 100% convinced that it didn’t work and i wasn’t pregnant, only i WAS pregnant and you might be too!! i’m keeping my fingers crossed and blowing whatever baby dust i have left your way.

    Reply

  2. K
    Mar 09, 2010 @ 23:51:15

    I’m hoping very much like Katery that you are pregnant- but if you are right and your instinct that it wasn’t a good cycle to try on proves true, I would personally look at other places. . . I think its so important to hae absolute confidence in your doctor.

    BUT I am hoping hoping hoping this is it for you. They don’t seem surprised by your symptoms so that must mean something.

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Mar 11, 2010 @ 11:42:47

      Oh, K, I hope so, too. Troy and I have talked about the place in Colorado. I’m waiting for final results and to hear back from the doc here about the issues I had this time, then we’ll decide. But it would be so wonderful if this was it!

      Reply

  3. Katie
    Mar 09, 2010 @ 23:55:38

    I know how hard it is to stay positive, especially with the spotting. BUT I truly believe deep down that the spotting could be implantation! I’m hoping that those cramps are your sweet embryos snuggling in for the long haul!!! Hugs to you during your long waiting time.

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Mar 11, 2010 @ 11:43:49

      Katie, I hope so, too! I’m holding on to the hope that that’s what it is! Since coming back to work, so many friends have told me their experiences, both natural and IVF, and bleeding early on does seem common! So maybe, maybe, maybe…

      Reply

  4. Kari
    Mar 10, 2010 @ 07:58:13

    Gotta tell ya after my last ER/ET I was miserable. I was so sure it had failed, I was crampy, there was brown blood, everything that I felt pointed to failure was weighing down on me heavily(and as I type this I’m getting kicked in the belly by the results of wat was actually success). I’ve been to that dark place, and I hope your stay isn’t long. Know we are all here cheering for ya and hoping to hear some great news!! 🙂

    Reply

  5. athena
    Mar 10, 2010 @ 08:52:22

    {HUGS}

    Reply

  6. Jessica
    Mar 10, 2010 @ 10:03:52

    I am still hoping you are pregnant!! ((HUGS))

    Reply

  7. Low Fat Lady
    Mar 10, 2010 @ 17:29:44

    *hugs* I’m so sorry your having to go on a roller coaster ride with this. I wish things were easier. I would say give it a little more time and see how things pan out. Though, if you don’t feel comfortable at your doc’s office and don’t feel listened too I would see what else is out there.

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Mar 11, 2010 @ 11:46:21

      i definitely will. I’m hoping that we can get a good long sit-down with the doc if this isn’t our time. We only have two chances left, we’ve gotta make ’em count!

      Reply

  8. Michelle
    Mar 10, 2010 @ 19:49:00

    I am sorry you have been on sucha roller coaster. You have been in my thoughts. I know it is frustrating when they tell you not to worry. They do that to me still after all my losses. I told them last time this has happened 3 times and 3 times it was something to worry about so don’t tell me not to worry. Of course with me I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time. Try to stay positive brown or rust colored sounds like old blood. I am sending good luck and baby dust. I have everything crossed for you!

    Reply

  9. Txgirl
    Mar 10, 2010 @ 20:48:27

    Hi Stacey-I truly don’t think implantation bleeding is bright red. From one site: This blood is referred to as implantation bleeding and is a common sign of pregnancy. The blood will not appear red, but rather a darker brown or black due to the time it takes to move from the uterus out of the body. From another: Implantation bleeding is scanty and usually pink or brownish discharge. Hope everything works out-I’m pulling for you!

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Mar 11, 2010 @ 11:53:30

      How’s it going for you, Txgirl? Any signs? You (and anyone!) can also reach me at Daisy6671@aol.com. Wishing the best for you and your hubby!

      Reply

      • Texas Mom
        Mar 11, 2010 @ 15:17:26

        Hi there! Yes, I’ve been having off/on light cramping. Nothing else, though. My insurance doesn’t cover Crinone, so we have to do PIO, so of course I can say my only other symptom is the pain in my a**! The other day we found out the rest of our embryos didn’t make it to freeze, so I’m placing all my bets on the two that were transferred. And I’m such an adventurous (ha!) person that I’m going to poas tomorrow. I’ve never been one to handle waiting well-so we shall see what we shall see! Even with your bleeding episode, I still believe at least one of your embies can make it. 🙂

        Reply

        • iamstacey
          Mar 11, 2010 @ 16:12:09

          Let me know how it goes! I’ll be keepin’ my fingers crossed for you! I’ve heard the PIO shots really, really hurt!! I can’t believe you’re insurance wouldn’t cover the Crinone. 😦 Bastards.

          Reply

  10. LastChanceIVF
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 10:58:36

    This is my first time commenting, but I’m a long time blogger.
    I did three IVFs at TFC and then two at CCRM (the famous Colorado clinic!). I blogged IVFs 2-4 on my old blog and the ‘lastchance’ fifth one on the lastchance blog. Although I was never successful and we spent 80K all told (zippo for insurance coverage) I don’t think you’re at the point to go to Colorado yet. Just my opinion. TFC’s stats are pretty close to CCRM, and I can say that CCRM is MUCH more like a factory and they are much pricier. Yes they’re good, but I had to stay on top of them the entire time or else mistakes would have been made.
    And I’d say you still have a very real chance–those were some beautiful day 3 embryos!
    I’m sorry you’re at that place of faltering hope–I know how bad it can feel (believe me). But you still have much much reason to hope, so hang in there.

    Reply

  11. iamstacey
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 11:54:57

    Thank you so much, LCIVF. You’re telling me just what I need to hear! I’m going to catch up on your blogs! I’m so glad you wrote!

    Reply

  12. Myndi
    Mar 11, 2010 @ 15:50:04

    I have to believe there is still hope for you. All sorts of wonky things happen to women during treatments and still they find themselves pregnant. Keeping my fingers crossed.

    As for your clinic, if it doesn’t work out this time, maybe switching isn’t such a bad idea. Not because you haven’t been successful yet, but because you don’t feel you are being heard. Whether the money is coming from your insurance or your pocket, they are making a lot of money and are in a very personal and emotional business. They should be listening. A good doctor knows most of us know our bodies better than anyone and they take heed when we talk. I’ve heard GREAT things about the Colorado clinic. If you find you need to cycle again, and you can make it work, it’s seriously worth considering.

    Thinking of you. 🙂

    Reply

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