I’m Excited! I’m Scared! I’m Hopeful! I’m Worried! Aack!

So, the egg retrieval is a go-ahead tomorrow.

I couldn’t sleep last night, worrying about my sad E2 levels, my follicles, and possibly wasting a chance for a successful IVF.  I emailed my IVF nurse Amanda this morning and asked her all those nagging questions that kept me up all night.  She finally emailed me back around 3 in the afternoon.  She said that the 200 units of E2 per mature egg is just a rough estimate, and it would apply to someone who’s E2 only went to 700 and not higher.  In my case, my E2 had been realy high, and the drop was falsely caused by the drop in my Gonal F dose. They also go by the u/s follicle count and measurements as well as the blood work, and I have plenty of good-sized follicles, so they expect plenty more than 3 or 4 good eggs.

So, for about an hour, I felt silly for being such a pest, and I felt a lot better.

Then, around 4, Dr. Silverberg himself called.  He said that in Europe, when patients have an E2 that skyrockets like mine, it is standard procedure for them to simply stop the Gonal F completely and let the E2 levels plummet.  Then they still go forward with the egg retrieval.  However, he noted at this point that success rates are lower in Europe and that he doesn’t feel that stopping the stimulant all together is the best plan, which is why he kept me at lower Gonal F doses. 

He went on to say that if this was our only chance at IVF, if we had no more chances, he would recommend that we start over for a more perfect stimulation sequence.  However, since we do have two more chances, he feels we should proceed.  Since I have so many follicles at a good size, he still feels that we have a good chance of being successful.

So, there went my sliver of peace of mind.  I called Troy and asked him what he thought, and without a hesitation he felt we should go forward.  I talked to Mom about it, and she listened but felt the same.

I still feel unsettled, unsure.  What if we get to the end of our last try, and are unsuccessful?  I will regret with all my heart that I didn’t start over on try #1!  What if I wake up tomorrow and find they didn’t get any mature eggs?  What if none of the eggs fertilize, or grow?  What if none of the embryos implant?  What if I miscarry?  What if, what if, what if?

“What if” is driving me crazy.  My head is driving me crazy.  Hope is driving me crazy.  I think that’s what this really is.  I’m finding all of the reasons why this won’t work so I won’t get too hopeful.  I’m afraid of the hope that’s creeping in.  Hope hurts.

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20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. meinsideout
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 04:08:06

    I am pulling for you – and it only takes one – so even if you do not get a huge bounty of great eggs – it only takes one.

    Good luck and I will be stalking your blog for an update!!!

    Reply

  2. Kari
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 08:21:46

    Sending you positive vibes and letting you know the “what if’s” never end!! If only they did. Successful or not you’ll be haunted by what if’s. It sucks but I hope you can quiet them. You’re making the best decision you can with the best information available!! You’ve consulted your doctor and weighed the options. I hope things go well and this is your last cycle!! 🙂

    Reply

  3. Amber
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 09:16:33

    My thought on this is, “what if it works?” You have to go for it! Your doctor thinks it’s worth a shot. But I understand about the what if’s. I’ve played it a million times. Good luck with everything! I’m crossing my fingers for you.

    Reply

  4. Pie
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 09:28:57

    Good luck! You are on the IVF roller-coaster, with all the hopeful ups and fearful downs! I hope you have a smooth ER today!!

    Reply

  5. Sweet Georgia
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 09:33:01

    I”m with Amber on this… “what if it works?”. I understand being fearful of hope, I think I could write a book on it. But, I still think being hopeful is better than the alternative.

    Good luck with your egg retrieval!

    Reply

  6. Katie
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 11:58:08

    Oh my goodness, I can’t believe the day is here! I know it’s easy to drive yourself crazy with the what-ifs, but right now it’s so important to stay positive confident! You are so much closer to having that baby in your arms!!! Congrats, I hope it all went well!

    Reply

    • iamstacey
      Mar 03, 2010 @ 15:44:22

      I never realized the steps just keep getting scarier – each step closer makes me more hopeful. But I’m working on learining to enjoy the ride!

      Reply

  7. K
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 12:12:56

    Thinking of you!!!!!!!

    Reply

  8. Myndi
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 17:00:06

    Yes, hope does hurt. And the what if’s are limitless. There is no way to know what the outcome is going to be so trust in the doctor. Have to believe if he thought your odds were poor, he wouldn’t move forward.

    Thinking of you today and hoping ER was straightforward and you got lots of mature eggies!

    Reply

  9. Low Fat Lady
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 17:01:38

    Good luck tomorrow! I am sure they will get at least 4 eggs. Try not to stress! I know easier said then done.

    Reply

  10. Michelle
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 18:12:05

    That what ifs will drive you crazy but I know it is a lot easier said then done to not use them. I do it to myself all the time. Good Luck tomorrow. I hope these things will not be a worry at all in the next few weeks!

    Reply

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