I Sprained My Hope Muscle

I was driving past the Texas Fertility Center yesterday, and I realized that I’d actually gone 3 weeks in a row without setting a foot in there.  My cycles are long, around 6 weeks, so I figure it’ll be another month before I start another cycle.  Now that all our insurance hurdles are out of the way, we could be starting IVF in just a month.

Usually when that inevitable BFN rolls around, the one thing that helps ease the disappointment and keep me rolling is the excitement of starting the next cycle.  It’s not a loss, it’s a learning experience – so the next round will be “the one,” right?  But instead of feeling the old excitement at starting a whole new plan of action, I was surprised to feel an ache in my heart.

I just knew the last IUI was going to be a success.  I could feel it, I believed it, I had no doubt.  And I was crushed by that last BFN like I’ve never been before.  It was a hard hit.  I think I just believed and hoped so hard, I wore out that ol’ “hope muscle.”  That ache I felt when I looked at the Texas Fertility Center felt just like my thighs after a round of squats at the gym (now that’s a old memory…my thighs haven’t squatted in a gym since we started this whole IF business).  I’ve just temporarily worn the poor thing out.

So, we’re taking a very short mental, physical and emotional health break.  Just one cycle, two at the most.  That should get us through the holidays.  I’ve put on almost 40 lbs in the past year, and I was a big girl to begin with.  But in the past week I’ve already dropped 4lbs, and it feels good.  This short break will give me a chance to get in a little better shape – both my booty and my hope.  I got lost in the trees (and the trees beat me up a bit), and now I need to remember how to soar over the forest again.

Troy and three of his co-workers are taking a class in November that will help them strengthen their skills and move ahead at work.  We have to pay for the class and books up front, but Time Warner will reimburse us everything once Troy passes the class.  I really want him to be able to take the class at the same time his co-workers do so they can all help each other.  Delaying the IVF for a couple of cycles will allow us financially to pay for the class.

So this is just temporary!  We are not out of the game yet!

Here are a few pics of Troy feeding the little foster kitties.  We wrap them in towels to help them stay still and concentrate on eating.  Otherwise they get distracted really easily. 🙂

the happy little boy, hes always purring

the happy little boy, he's always purring


her little eyes water all the time like shes crying.  hopefully shell feel better soon!

her little eyes water all the time like she's crying. hopefully she'll feel better soon!


queen of the kitty bed

queen of the kitty bed


Chasing the laser pointer dot

Chasing the laser pointer dot


26 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Low Fat Lady
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 10:34:13

    Cute kitties. I wish you luck in your time off and hope that you get everything you are hoping for. I’m concentrating on losing weight as well!


  2. Michelle
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 10:34:46

    A break will be a good thing. I know it helped me. I have been on a break for a lot longer then intended now but it did help.

    Your kitties are so cute!



  3. Kate
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 10:48:27

    Good decision! I think it’s a great idea to give yourself a little mental health break. Time to regroup.

    We’re all here for you in the meantime!


  4. myndful
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 12:01:08

    Kitties are adorable! And I think what you and Troy are doing for them is really wonderful.

    Deciding to take a break is really difficult, so kudos to you for making that decision. It might be a struggle at first, but in the long run the emotional dividends it will pay out are huge. It’s somewhat freeing to be out of IF constraints for a little while. Then you’ll come back to the IVF cycle refreshed and re-engergized, inside and out. 🙂


    • iamstacey
      Oct 03, 2009 @ 01:27:07

      I’m excited to start IVF, but since it’s our last chance, I want to make the most of it. I think taking a mental and physical break will pay off, although it’ll cost us some time.


  5. Jane
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 12:37:21

    A break sounds like a good plan. Hope you will be feeling recharged and invigourated for your next cycle.

    That photo of the kitty playing with the laser pointer made me smile. John is always doing that with our two, to the point that the wall at the top of our stairs is covered in paw marks. He reckons it helps in the kitty/Daddy bonding process :o)


    • iamstacey
      Oct 03, 2009 @ 01:20:45

      I think this little break is just what we need, and it’s going to do the trick. Even the dogs chase the laser light! It’s hilarious on the wood floors. 🙂


  6. Ashley
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 12:45:27

    I think a break is the best thing in the world. I took a break for three months before we did IVF and then had to be on bcps for almost two months before all the good stuff started. I did a major body cleanse, lost a bunch of weight, went to lots of therapy, and started hanging out with people again. I don’t think my first IVF would have been successful had I not let my body heal and grieved my 3 failed IUI cycles (those wore my “hope muscle” out pretty good as well).

    Enjoy your break!!


  7. meinsideout
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 17:35:08

    Cute kitties! Thinking of you and hope that the break does you well.


  8. meinsideout
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 18:26:52

    I just sent the gonal f to another blogger…sorry girl.


  9. FatChick
    Oct 03, 2009 @ 07:52:54


    I know about wearing out the hope muscle, oh yes I do. And the weight gain. And the long cycles. It’s a tough road. I’m glad you get to go on to IVF. And I’m hoping for you!

    Those kittens are ADORABLE!


  10. Womb For Improvement
    Oct 04, 2009 @ 04:51:25

    Sometimes stepping back for a couple of months can be a huge relief and get you energised for starting up again. Take care.


  11. katery
    Oct 04, 2009 @ 16:24:48

    i’m sorry about the bfn, it is so disappointing to keep seeing it month after month.


  12. Jeannine
    Oct 05, 2009 @ 07:51:00

    Man, do I know how you feel. When it’s time for a break, you definitely know it. Although it took me some time to get over the guilt of delaying our treatments (our break was almost a year!), I have to say that it was such a relief to just be able to eat and drink and do and THINK about whatever I wanted for a little while. I hope that you find some peace and hope during your time off…sending you happy thoughts!


    • iamstacey
      Oct 05, 2009 @ 11:47:24

      Thanks, Jeannine! I do feel guilty about taking a couple months off. But I want to try to get a little healthier before we try IVF to give it the best possible to stick!


  13. stacey
    Oct 05, 2009 @ 14:52:35

    I’m truly sorry for the disappointments and the BFNs along the way. I know it is very hard to pick yourselves up and try to hope again each time. Sometimes a break is not only refreshing but also necessary! I hope you can put your mind and body at ease these next few weeks/months. Then that hope muscle will be ready to be exercised again!


  14. WannabeMommy
    Oct 05, 2009 @ 16:48:29

    Ahhh… I think my hope muscle has permanently atrophied.

    Great post! Thanks for stopping by my blog : )


    • iamstacey
      Oct 06, 2009 @ 10:24:15

      I’m glad you’re putting your story out there. It helps to know we’re not alone! I’m workin’ on getting my hope back. It’s still tender, but gettin’ better!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: