Pity Party

Went to see Dr. Silverberg today.  We were shocked to see my E2 had spiked to 2240!  The u/s showed numerous follicles on both ovaries – all of the sudden Slacker Righty has decided to get in on the action.  But unfortunately, they’re all still 10-13’s. 

The doc tells me that he’s of a mind to scrap this cycle.  I’m at big risk for mutiples, if we can get the follies to mature.  If we can’t get them to mature, I’m at risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.  He tells me it can be quite painful and as fluid builds up in my abdomen, it may be necesssary to drain the fluid more than once, which is also painful.

I asked if there was a chance of salvaging the cycle.  We can back off drastically with the dosages, which will cause the E2 to plummet.  It’s most likely that once that happens, the E2 won’t recover and all of the follicles will fade away.  And my risk for hyperstimulation increases with each dose of Gonal F I take. 

Then, he tells me that he really feels I’m a good candidate for IVF.  That’s fine in that I’m willing to do IVF.  But I’m afraid … insurance will only pay for 3 tries.  IVF is my ace in the hole.  I’m hoping it’s a winning ace, but I’m so scared to play the card, and still lose.  But then, aren’t we all afraid of that?  And if I use up my 3 tries with no success, we can always resort to trying more IUI’s with injectables.

Dr. Silverberg left the choice up to me.  I decided I want to try to salvage the cycle.  Once he felt he had laid it all out for me, and I made the choice to continue the cycle, he was very positive and upbeat.  I appreciate that about him, that although he doesn’t feel optimistic about success this cycle, he is still positive in his outlook and was willing to move forward.

No Gonal F tonight, and a low dose tomorrow.  Back to the clinic for another u/s on Sunday at 9:30 am.  Dr. Vaughn is on this weekend.  As much as I love Dr. Silverberg, I really appreciate that Dr. Vaughn seems so much more aggressive in his treatment.  I want to ask him his opinion on this cycle.  I’m really glad I get to see him tomorrow – it’s like getting a second opinion without going outside the clinic.  I think he would be more willing to risk a multiples cycle.

I have to think about that.  How many mulitples am I willing to carry?  Would I be willing to do selective reduction?  I never thought I would.  I’m afraid of the guilt and regret.  Would I always miss the babies that were “removed?”  Would I always wonder who they would’ve been?  What if removing some risks the wellbeing of those remaining, and I end up losing them all?

Despite all the mental and emotion anguish of choosing selective reduction, I would do it.  To help the chances of the remaining and to give us the best possible chance of having a healthy baby.  I think I could carry three, max.  With my age and weight, I’d be pushing it at more than that. 

But who knows?  Who knows if we’ll even get the opportunity to find out.  When I think of all the money we’ve spent on drugs this cycle, all the time off I’ve had to use for appointments, all the good-will I’ve lost from my boss and co-workers…argh, I’m overwhelmed by the pointlessness

Damn, I think I’m wallowing in a major pity party.

So, time to count the positives.

The rescue kitties are coming along wonderfully.  The baby girl has the fattest round belly!  She eats EVERYTHING.  And she’s starting to play with toys!  She actually bats at the laser dot, too!  Mama still isn’t sure about being picked up or toys,  but she’s all about the lovin’!  Loves a great ear and back scratch. 

Annie is home and is back to normal!  I brought home a whole case of wet cat food.  They go psycho whenever I open a can!  So I dish out the first can into thirds for my three and – they completely turned their noses up at it.  Wouldn’t touch it!  I was going to open a second can for the rescues but I ended up giving them the first can, which they scarfed.  I guess I’ll have to try another brand for the princesses.

Had a wonderful evening with my gf Judy.  I went to her house after my appointment, and Troy joined us when he got off work.  I took some left-over baked potatoes and cheddarwurst.  I cut up the baked potatoes and fried them in butter with onions and garlic and season salt while Judy grilled the sausage.  We made Paula Deen chocolate cookies, too.  OMG, what a wonderful, completely unhealthy meal!  It was so good to have some girlfriend time. 

Discovered a new song I really like.  Troy and I have been watching Defying Gravity, a new show about astronauts.  At the end of one episode there was a song playing that I looked up called Everything I Build by The Stills.  I’d never heard of it before, but I really like it.  It’s mellow and a little sad, not my usual style, but it seems to fit my mood tonight.  I couldn’t find a video to it, but I did find the song on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtoO6t8ITmE.


29 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. babydust81
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 05:22:44

    Hi Stacey…

    WOW! You do really have alot on ur plate at the moment to consider. May God makes it easier by showing you the right path. I am sorry about ur E2 shooting so high. I truly hope you dont have to scrap this cycle especially after what you had gone through. Selective reduction is a choice but who knows, you might not even need to do it… Take it one at a time ok dear. I will be right here with a listening ear if u need one.


  2. meinsideout
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 07:47:09

    I think you made a great decision. I hope that it ends up being your cycle!


  3. katery
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 08:41:09

    i think three is a good number, if it doesn’t work the first time i bet it will work the second time. that’s awesome that your insurance covers three tries, mine doesn’t cover any!


    • iamstacey
      Sep 06, 2009 @ 04:07:01

      I know we’re really lucky! I’m just worried about how I’ll take it if we use up all 3 tries with all BFN’s. I’d hoped we could get pregnant once with the IUI’s and still have the IVF as a back up if we wanted to try again.


  4. Pie
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 09:09:11

    As I was reading the first paragraph, I thought to myself, “She’d be perfect for IVF” and then that’s what your doc said! Having already gone thru both IUI and IVF, I say try IVF. Selective reduction is hard too (I had a friend go thru it, she went from 4 to 2 from an IUI) and every time you do a u/s, you see the other babies, and you will deliver them too. And she still delivered the twins prematurely. I dunno, that freaks me out way more than doing IVF. But I guess its better than the alternative of risking losing them all by carrying high-order multiples. Its a hard choice, any way you look at it. Hopefully Sunday’s appointment will help.


  5. Ashley
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 09:35:22

    Okay, I’m going to be totally honest here. You have insurance coverage for IVF??? What are you doing? If I didn’t have to pay out of pocket for it I would have done it after the first IUI. You sound like a great candidate for it and after your post about all the follies I have been so worried you would get cancelled (my RE cancels if you have more than 4 in the running). Alright, my jealousy of your insurance coverage is over. 🙂

    I hope you can salvage this cycle! I will check back for your update of your next appointment!


    • iamstacey
      Sep 06, 2009 @ 04:13:04

      IVF seems like our last chance. I’d hoped I could save it for the future, but it looks like our time is now! And I know how lucky we are with the insurance – if it wasn’t for that, we’d have no choice but childlessness. Troy can never quit his job – at least ’til we’ve tried all our IVF tries!


  6. Sweet Georgia
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 11:27:25

    I kind of agree with Ashley, I’d be moving straight to IVF, BUT you have to do what you’re comfortable with. I hope you’re able to salvage this cycle. I know the choice to reduce is a very personal one, and I know that if it were my I’d go with it. Good luck!


  7. myndful
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 15:07:49

    Sorry to hear this cycle hasn’t been ideal,but still holding strong hope that it can be turned around.

    In terms of IVF, 3 is our limit as well, by our choice (cause we’re already going broke and we don’t want to find ourselves bankrupt – financially and emotionally). Definitely somewhat intimidating embarking upon a path that you know is so close to the end of the trail. But, if this cycle doesn’t work, maybe IVF will be the magic bullet!

    Good luck on this cycle! Turn that ship around!


    • iamstacey
      Sep 06, 2009 @ 04:15:46

      Myndful, you got it, that’s it exactly, it’s scary getting so close to the end of the trail. I’m not at all scared of IVF in and of itself. I’m scared we’ll use all 3 tries and they’ll all be BFN’s. I’m hoping we can keep this cycle going, too!


  8. Katie
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 21:51:54

    Ugh, I am sorry you have so much to think about and decide right now. I think you’ve got a really good shot at IVF, and 3 tries is a lot. I had only one chance at IVF and it worked. Even if your first IVF doesn’t work, the success rate for the second IVF jumps way up- plus you have the added bonus of your doc already knowing a lot about how your body responds to some of the drugs. Sending lots of good luck your way!


  9. Kathleen
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 22:31:06

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it works out for you. Just wanted to mention that I went through 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles and decided to take a break and save my last covered IVF as a security blanket. Well I saved it alright, and 4.5 years later at 36, I no longer responded to the drugs, got one egg at retrieval, didn’t make it to transfer. I’m moving on to donor eggs and, ironically, now have insurance that covers 3 more cycles, but no donor costs. If I had it to do again, I would have just jumped into the last one and worried about a Plan B later. See, I came up with one 1 month after my last cycle. I agree with the others that it is something your have to be comfortable with, but once you’ve begun injectibles, you are half way there. Good luck! There’s no time like the present.


  10. Katie
    Sep 06, 2009 @ 12:15:40

    Pity parties are great! I have them all the time! I’m glad you are going ahead with this cycle…and if it comes to IVF, good for you! That’s really exciting!


  11. PJ
    Sep 06, 2009 @ 12:17:53

    Wow! Good luck with this cycle! I hope this is the one, and you don’t have to do IVF. IVF is just much more invasive. However, it’s FANTASTIC that you do get three tries with insurance!

    Much luck to you!!!


  12. Low Fat Lady
    Sep 07, 2009 @ 12:58:42

    I’m having a pity party for myself as well. Draining fluid from your abdomen sounds scary and painful. I wish you luck in making your decisions.


    • iamstacey
      Sep 08, 2009 @ 14:38:28

      Gotta wallow in it every now and then to put it behind ya, you know? I’m really scared of having fluid drained, I REALLY hope it doesn’t come to that!


  13. Michelle
    Sep 07, 2009 @ 20:34:49

    Sending you lots of good thoughts and I have everything crossed that you can be successful with this cycle. I wish you much luck with your difficult decisions!


  14. Kate
    Sep 07, 2009 @ 22:38:15

    Wow- talk about decisions. Wow wow wow. So three IVFs paid for? When do you think you’ll use that option? How many goes are you trying with IUI? My doc recommended three tries with IUI before going more aggressive.

    I think the selection issue is such a difficult one to make. I’m sure you will make the right decision if it comes to that. It sounds like your reasons are logical and make sense.


  15. кyкyш
    Nov 26, 2009 @ 23:30:12

    Просто отлично – очень интересные мысли. Разжевано специально как будто бы для меня 🙂


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