Saturday, 5-23-09

Having mild cramps today – is it my next period, or the ol’ ovaries working overtime?  I’m trying not to think about it too much, but it’s hard when I feel those cramps crawl across my abdomen every now and then.  As my cycles have been going so far, it’s too soon to have a period … and I still haven’t had a positive ovulation test!  But if my cycles are getting more regular, then it’s just about the right time to start, I guess.  Why no smiley face on the ov kit? 

I was telling Troy about my confusion, and he told me, “You know, Babe, if we don’t have kids, you know that’s okay.  We’re happy either way.”  Although he’s as excited to have a child as I am, he has maintained from day 1 that he’s happy just to be with me.  I’m so, so lucky.  And I feel the same way, but with the hormones and the Clomid flowing, I forget the big picture and get so focused on what’s not happening.  I’m so goal-oriented – it’s almost like I have to get pregnant just ’cause it’s a project I started, and by golly I’m gonna finish what I started or else I’m a failure.

When we first started trying I would incessantly image different scenarios, daydreaming about how I would break the news to Troy that we were pregnant, about creative ways we’d tell our parents, the first doctor’s appointment where we’d hear the heartbeat.  I’d plan out the nursery, the colors, what I’d change if we had mulitiples.  I planned out how we’d adapt our work schedules, and I’d hope that I could breastfeed after my breast reduction surgery last year.

All of those dreams and fantasies are fine, there’s nothing wrong with hoping and planning.  But lately I’ve been working on being present in the here an now.  I find it’s not too hard – I have a lot to love, a lot to be thankful for every day.  Troy and I have so much fun together, and we always will, kids or no.  There’s more than enough to occupy our days, with our zoo, jobs, family, friends and keeping up with the house and yard. 

I grew up traveling all over the world, and although Troy hadn’t ventured too far from Texas before we met, since we’ve been married some of my wanderlust has started to rub off on him.  Although starting a family is the ideal future, instead of focusing on not being able to get pregnant, I wanted us to have another possible future to look forward to.  So we’ve started planning our next big trip.  On our honeymoon we took our first cruise – a first for both of us – to Cozumel, Honduras and Belize.  I have to say, Belize is now one of my top favorite places in the world!

Scuba diving in Belize

Scuba diving in Belize

 

riding ATVs in Cozumel

riding ATV's in Cozumel

 

after a long day of scuba diving in Belize

after a long day of scuba diving in Belize

 

We’ve taken lots of local trips, to the beach in Port Aransas every summer, going camping every fall, tubing every weekend we can fit it in, going to Indiana to visit my extended family.  Our last big trip was to Holland.  I’d seen some of Europe but had never been to the Netherlands.  Although the cruise had been out of the US, every night we’d get back on board our little piece of America and take it with us.  Flying to a different continent was a whole new level for Troy!  He started out so tense and worried, but by the end, he was a seasoned pro.  It was so fun to see him become empowered by the trip, to realize he could handle going anywhere – and have a blast!

the force is with us in Dam Square

the force is with us in Dam Square

 

Next up:  conquering Italy.  My favorite trip as a teenager with my family was touring Greece.  There’s so much culture and flavor and history.  I think Italy will have a lot of the same character.  It’s another place I’ve never been, and I can’t wait to discover it with Troy!  It will take us at least a year to save up for it.  Totally worth the wait, and it’ll give us something to plan and hope for.  Distraction is a good thing – it keeps me pulled back, so I can see that big picture instead of getting mired in the details.

I’ve been reminded that life is SO good.

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