Monday, 5-11-09

Only 1 minor meltdown so far on this, our second round of Clomid.  Well, minor for me, probably poor hubby Troy would disagree.  I’m up to 100 mg for 5 days.  Due to a fluke, I also have a set of 50 mg for 5 days.  I re-filled my 50mg prescription, but I talked to the nurse before I started my period, and the Doc agreed to up my dose to 100mg.  I went to pick it up thinking it would be another set of 50mg for 5 days (to make 100mg/day) but it really was a whole new set of Clomid.  On a side note, we switched from the HEB pharmacy to CVS, and the Clomid was only $5!

I’ve read that some women who had longer cycles were finally able to get pregnant when they took Clomid for 10 days rather than 5.  I’m already on day 4 of the 100mg dose.  Should I take the 50mg pills for the next 5 days?  I’m considering it.  Hmmm.

My brother got married this Mother’s Day weekend!  It’s his second marriage, her first.  He has two boys, 6 and 2.   The ceremony was absolutely beautiful!  Her colors were chocolate and Tiffany blue.  I’m so glad I got to be a part of it and I wish them a lifetime of happiness together!  It was a few hours before the wedding that I had my little Clomid-induced meltdown.  It’s weird how the Clomid anger is somehow directed right at the husband.  He’s right in those Clomid crosshairs.  Poor guy.  I overheard him talking at the reception to the husband of a couple who are some of our closest friends.  His wife is heavily pregnant, and he was telling Troy how the day had been a bit stressful as his wife was especially hormonal that day.  Troy just moaned, “Dude, I feel your pain.  What got you in trouble?”  To which he replied, “I dunno what exactly set it off – I really think I was just breathing wrong!”  Poor guys.

Even though I’m on the higher dose, I’ve actually had a lot less symptoms this time.  I haven’t had any hot flashes or insomnia.  I was drinking those caffeinated Crystal Light drinks like crazy before.  This time, I’m only allowing myself 1 a day in the morning.  I’m almost completely done with Coke, and I only keep the de-caffeinated ones at home in case I do have one.  I think laying off the caffeine helped a lot.

I think that I really might not able to become pregnant.  I think I knew it going into thise.  I can’t even really imagine what it will feel like, and I can’t picture myself pregnant.  I want to be ok with not having kids.  In my very first appointment with my gynecologist, we discussed a plan of action.  Then he ended the appointment with the comment, “And remember, there’s always egg donation if nothing else works.”

Which stopped me in my tracks.  That hadn’t even occured to me.  That’s when I realized that I don’t want to be pregnant, I want to be a mother to the child who is a blending of me and Troy.  Not Troy and another woman’s DNA.  I asked Troy what he thought, and he actually felt the same.  He doesn’t want a baby, he wants our baby.  I’d gotten so fixated on getting pregnant, it helped me to step back and see the big picture.  It’s helps a little to see that if the big picture for us doesn’t include kids, it’s ok if the little picture means never being pregnant.  It’s just a different big picture for us.  I have a feeling this is one of those pictures I’m going to lose sight of from time to time and I’m going to have to keep re-learning.


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