Monday, 5/4/09 (#2)

I tend to be a bit obsessive.  I think I might have a touch of the ol’ OCD.  Actually it’s good in my line of work, a little annoying to poor hubby.  I’ve let myself wallow in the whole infertility thing, obsess over it, dream about it, lose sleep over it.  Now I’m going to try my best to pour out my obession here, so hopefully I can let it go a little more during the day (and get a little more sleep at night).

I find myself reading everything I can find on the net about others’ experiences, about the meds, about pregnancy.  I browse Craigslist looking for good deals on baby things.  I talk about it too much with my mom and friends, especially pregnant ones and new moms.  Fortunately, they usually like to talk about their experiences (and to another adult, for a change). 

I think about whether or not I’ll ever get pregnant.  I felt fulfilled in my life before we started trying.  If we can’t get pregnant, will I be able to get back to that sense of fulfillment in life?  I think about what it will be like to see a positive pregnancy test for the first time, to show it to my husband.  I think about what it’ll be like to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and for my husband and my mom to hear it.  I wonder if  it’ll be a girl or a boy, one or multiples, and if we’ll want more.  I just seem to keep wondering and wondering and waiting. 

Somehow I always thought I’d end up having trouble getting pregnant.  When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to get married and have kids.  Then I was single for a long time.  Finally meeting Troy and getting married was so happy and satisfying, I didn’t think about kids.  I thought about how happy I was that we found each other at all.  How if we didn’t have kids, we could always be #1 to each other, we could travel, go back to school.  I really didn’t think I wanted to have kids.  Somehow, as we’ve grown individually and in our marriage, the desire crept back in.  I want a part of my husband, to see us merged, to see us grow through parenthood.  I’m afraid of wanting it too much.  I want to be ok with not having it.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. With This Diet I Shed T h i r t y P o u n d s in Under a Month
    May 06, 2009 @ 06:29:53

    Hi, interesting post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for sharing. I will certainly be coming back to your posts. Keep up the good posts

    Reply

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