Catching Up
29 Nov 2011 5 Comments
Hi!
almost got close enough to taste the camera!
Yeah, I’ve been AWOL. It’s a combination of life gettin’ busy and needing a break from the conception obsession (that’d be a good name for a (in)fertility blog). I’ve thought of you guys often, and I’ll be catching up with you guys all week. But I had to break the funk, move on. It surprises me how deeply I was sucked right back into it. I thought it’d be easier this time around, since we have Davie, but it was just as hard – in a different way. Davie is a real comfort and joy and having her makes it better in some ways. But it’s harder, too – when those embryos don’t take, I know just exactly what I’m losing. I feel like a failure not just as a woman, but as a mother. Ah, the joys of finding new levels of heartache in this journey.
But enough on that … for now, anyways. Time to soak up family, friends and the holidays!
My brother Chris turned 36 on Nov. 18th. He and his wife JoAnn rented an RV and we all went camping at the Renaissance Festival in Plantersville, Texas. We had so much fun! The only draw-back was because of the drought, we couldn’t have any campfires this year. I love the smell of the campfires on the cool air! The four of us got there the first night and set up the camp. JoAnn’s baby bump is so cute! Troy and I slept in a tent. I love sleeping in the outdoors!
Does bringing your own toilet really count as camping?
The next night, Mom and Dad brought Davie and my nephews, Cayle and Andon. My brother’s friend since childhood, Mark, arrived with his wife Jen and their three kids: Jacob, who is Cayle’s age, and their two year old twins, Andrew and Lauren. Dad carried Davie in a backpack carrier we borrowed from friends (I think they got it at REI). She LOVED it! She was so excited, she’d kick and squeal! People would look around for the squealing baby, and would just laugh when they saw her! She wasn’t scared by any of it, she had a blast! We had a great time chowing down and people-watching.
Pop, Nana and Davie Ann
Where are reins on this thing?
men with funnel cake are sexy
Mark, Jen and Andrew
Cayle, Andon and Jacob
too much excitement
More big news: Davie now has TWO teeth! She doesn’t like to show them, but they are so tiny and cute! I found the Leap Frog activity table on Craigslist for $15. It’s hardly used and has all the parts.
I can feel my teeth with my tongue!
I just found treats in my table! Woot!
teeth like to chew on nipples
The next day Troy had to work, but Mom, Dad, Andon and I put up the tree. (Cayle was addicted to a video game and we couldn’t drag him away.) Davie was glad to help, too. She mostly tore up packing paper as we unpacked decorations and ornaments. We got the tree up, made a “Winter Wonderland” on top of the entertainment center, and a nativity on the fireplace. I still need to hang the stockings (gotta get some of those stick-on hooks).
Yay! Decorations to eat!
Davie-proof ... so far ...
Our "Winter Wonderland"
Nativity on the mantle
Sunday was actually cool out! We broke in Davie’s new coat. It’s an adorable red coat with ruffles and a matching red cap with a bow on the side. I got her all bundled up and she just sat there for a few long seconds just trying to figure out if she could still move!
..can't ... feel ... arms ...
I can't bend my elbows. Would you wipe my chin?
it seems safer in here ...
Aftermath
14 Nov 2011 2 Comments
I’m doing alright. Mom kept Baby Girl at our house for an entire week. An entire week of Baby Girl is very good therapy. I know it was hard for my dad to be without his girls all week! I appreciate the sacrifice he and my mom made by having my mom stay with us for a whole week straight, while Dad was home alone in Gatesville.
Davie has TWO teeth now! And she is quite tired of everyone trying open her lower lip to see them or sticking fingers in her mouth to feel the teeth. She just waves her head around ’til we leave her alone. She turns her nose up at baby food now – she’s all about the people food! Her new favorite is cottage cheese. She just inhales it! Oh, and waffles, too! And mashed potatoes – yum!
I still feel a little shell-shocked at the failure of the last two attempts to get pregnant. Alternately I feel angry, then depressed and so sad, then confused. I tucked the picture of my last two perfect hatching embryos into the folder they gave me for the FET protocol. Then I tucked the folder away in the sad drawer in my closet that is stuffed full of protocol folders complete with pictures of little embryos that I’ll never get to hold.
I’m not confident any more that we will be successful in our efforts to grow our family. Yes, I do believe God knows the desires of our hearts, and I believe He has good plans for us. But I don’t know if His plams for our lives is the same as our desires for our lives. All I can do is pray He will give me the patience to wait for His timing, or that He will change my heart so that my desires line up with His plan. I know it’s the only way I will find peace in the long run. I want that peace, so I can accept and enjoy all I have now, so I won’t waste my life longing for what is not meant to be. My prayer life is not what it should be lately, and I know I’m feeling betrayed, and I’ve lost my confidence to claim His promises. On the other hand, I also feel like a child who didn’t get what they wanted and is now pouting and ignoring my parent out of spite. I know I’m just coming to terms with the fact that this was not our time. The loss is hard. I’ve had the wind knocked out of me.
All I know is for now, I still have a deep longing to have another child, to add to our family, to experience bringing a baby into the world again. So I will keep praying until we are successful or until I feel my heart change. For now, I think we will wait until February to start the next IVF attempt. That will give us time to re-fill our health spending card and to get through the expenses of the holidays. Also, it means we won’t be ready for the embryo transfer until March, after Davie turns one. I feel now like maybe I should have waited until after she was one to even begin trying again. I really wanted to be pregnant by now, but I think now maybe I was pushing our luck, and I just wasted the last two tries. I don’t know why I feel that way.
Embryo adoption has still been on my mind. I know it’s something that Troy is still thinking and praying about, but it feels right to me. I’m not pushing it, just letting it take time to sink in for him, to see if it starts to feel like an option he is comfortable with. I know without a doubt that I will love an adopted embryo baby just the same as I love Davie – it will be my baby, the same as Davie is my baby. My only fear is that when they are older they might be unhappy that they weren’t born to their genetic parents. As much as I want another baby, and as much as embryo adoption feels right to me, I want the very best for the baby, too. But I’m thinking that this is a fear any adoptive parent must face and come to terms with. Any thoughts from you who have gone through adoption, embryo adoption or egg/sperm donation?
Moving on …
We have a new foster kitty, Sheldon. He’s an adorable black and white male with a poufy round face. I think he was a stray, but he’s so loving! He comes running every time he sees us and rolls right over for tummy rubs. He and Moo have made fast friends.
Next weekend we’re going on a family camping trip! My brother Chris’s birthday is on the 18th and he wanted us all to go camping at the Renaissance Festival as a family. Not only are the festival and the camping fun, but the people-watching is the best there! I know Chris has been wanting to go camping with his boys and my dad for long time, but his wife JoAnn is just not the roughing it type (much like my mom). So they’ve rented a massive RV, so we can take some of the comforts of home with us. We’re also taking tents, though. I can’t wait! I hope Davie loves it. And that it doesn’t rain too much! For some reason, it’s always muddy whenever we go to RenFest.
Money is really tight this month. The FET set us back a bit. My cutting back on my part-time job hours has hurt us, too. But I don’t doubt for a minute that it was the right decision to have more time at home with Davie. Being away from her on the weekend was just tearing me apart. I’m so much happier now that we have the weekends together and are going to church regularly as a family now. I’m praying God will show us how to be better stewards of all He has given us. I’ve started couponing and bargain shopping with a passion. Although I’m nowhere near Extreme Couponing levels, I’m averaging $30-50 in coupons per shopping trip, so it’s slowly adding up!
Work is good. Stressful and challenging, but I have to admit, I really am loving it. We’ve had lots of computer network issues lately, and I’m looking forward to getting those problems taken care of. I think Ellen (my co-worker) and I are working really well together. She’s a great tech, and I appreciate her expertise. And she’s got a funny side that has totally suprised me. I think having someone to share the work load with has really helped her start to enjoy her work and has taken a lot of the stress off her, letting that humor come out.
I am seriously digging the Walking Dead and The Big Bang Theory. I’m glad Big Bang is in syndication now. I can watch the old ones and laugh just as much as the first time I saw them! They really hold up. Mom is usually with us on Thursday nights and we watch NCIS and NCIS: LA with a glass of wine after baby girl has gone to sleep. Troy doesn’t care for cop procedurals but even he is addicted to those two shows now! I keep trying to watch Once Upon A Time but I think it’s going to be too in-depth for me to keep up with. Does anybody know what Snow White did to the witch to make her hate her so much? I’m so confused.
Earlier Troy ate half a bag of blue cotton candy that the nephews left at our house this past weekend. Now he’s tossing and turning in bed and threatening to throw up. Gaaa, what a sensitive stomache. He’s worse than Dude, our French Bulldog that throws up EVERYTHING (and then eats it again). I keep telling Troy he must be in-bred like Dude, which he doesn’t find near as funny as I do. And really, who eats blue food? I never eat anything blue, on principle. It just seems like a bad idea for edibles, in my opinion. I really hope he doesn’t throw up on the white sheets, gah.
Not Our Time
05 Nov 2011 31 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: BFN, FET, IVF
The blood test came back negative.
A day later, I’ve just begun to bleed.
Five babies have died inside me in less than two months.
I don’t know why, I really thought this time was the time. The blasts were were the strongest of the bunch. They were already hatching.
We have two more tries, and we’ll start again in January or February. That’s not far away. But I need to get through the holidays first, take a breath, process. I know the spirit will eventually rally, but for now, the heart is broken.
I’m the Germist Woman, Ever
03 Nov 2011 4 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: FET, flu, Halloween, IVF, sick, sinus infection
- I had major dental work twice in the two weeks, with a week of antibiotics in between. The last procedure was the evening before the transfer, so I didn’t take any pain meds during the healing process (which took another dang week)
- my boss threatened not to give me the day of the transfer off, waiting until an hour and a half after the thaw order for the embryos was put in before finally agreeing to let me off
- Troy and I were hit by the worst 24hr stomach bug the day before the transfer. Fortunately, it was all out of my system by the time of the transfer
- Three days after the transfer, just as my ribs stopped hurting from all the vomiting, I caught a crazy sinus infection. Sinus infections are annoying, but usually I just complain my way through them. But this time, the headache was so bad I actually threw up – at work. So embarrassing. I left work and went to the doctor, and he basically said he couldn’t do much for me since I might be pregnant. So I went home and threw up all night.
Today I’m much better. And the best news of all of this is, baby girl didn’t catch either the 24hr bug or the sinus infection, which is a miracle since mom caught them both. The worst part is, while I was throwing up the last two days, I thought maybe, maybe, I’m pregnant and this is the start of it. Now I’m not throwing up any more, and I’m actually a little sad about that. Go figure. Cruel virus, either way. 
On the FET front, no bleeding so far. Still taking Crinone and Estradiol twice a day. Haven’t tested, not once. Trying my best to hold out for Sunday.
Yesterday was Baby Girl’s EIGHT MONTH BIRTHDAY! How can my tiny baby be eight months old already?!? To celebrate her new milestone, she cut her first tooth! It’s her right bottom one. And, she waved bye-bye for the first time! And, she climbed two stairs before I caught her! STOP all that growing up, now!
first tooth
I got this one for ya. And BTW, I look like a boy in these pajamas. Just sayin.'
Ha! You thought I couldn't reach the remotes, but you were WRONG!!! Bwahahaha!!
Hmm, all these pots look better out here on the floor
I'll just check this one for freshness
Can you believe these were all just thrown in a box? So messy.
Hillbilly girl wants to know who put the dawgs up??
Here, I'll share one of these with you.
Are you SURE this isn't the end it goes in?
First lollipop with PopPop
These suckers don't know I practice this one in the tub every night!
I R E A L L Y want to pull mommy's earrings
Moo loves Nana's basket. Nana does NOT love Moo's fur in the basket.
I don't know how the poor kid could breathe
Troy says it's Snake Eyes, or something like that
Moo got it right, Halloween IS all about the basket!!
I’ll be catching up on everyone’s blog tomorrow, but for now, I’m the only one still awake, so I think I’ll go snuggle down in bed with my hubby and Moo, dogs in their bed on the floor, and Davie all snuggled in her crib at the end of the bed. Good night, all!
