Mon., 06/29/09 Day 1 of the 2WW

The rest of Sunday was wonderful!  We had a houseful of family and friends.  I just love being surrounded by chaos and fun!  After an afternoon of sun and fun Judy, Melissa and Aaron crashed on the couch with us to watch Gene Simmons Family Jewels and the premeire of Hung.

Judy, Melissa and Aaron

 

Today I was so tired.  No other symptoms. 

My lining the day before the IUI was 6.9.  I hope I gained a little bit more by the time we did the procedure.  I called my nurse Keri today to ask if I should take progesterone supplements to help thicken the lining.  She called back to say that 7mm was their minimum and they felt that I didn’t need the supplements.  I’m just nervous, I think!  And impatient!

We kept Dobby and Dude busy during the chaos Sunday with chew bones.  Somehow Dobby ended up with both!

Dobby and her bone

 

yum yum

Sunday, 6/28/09 IUI #1

Troy called me at work at 6:45 this morning to report “the monkey has been spanked, as ordered” – code for a successful man-juice collection.  (Whenever he’s burned out on baby dancing, he always tries to get out of it by announcing, “I am not a dancing monkey!”)  He sounded grumpy and sleepy.  I gave him the obligatory encouragement and congratulations.  Just as I got off work, he left the house to deliver the goods to Austin IVF, the company that does the sperm wash and concentration.  We actually passed each other on the road.

I went home, took a Mucinex to keep those fluids flowing, then crashed out for an hour.  Troy woke me at 8:30 for a quick shower, then we were off to the Texas Fertility Center for our very first IUI at 9:30am.  We got there at 9:10, but Troy’s boys hadn’t arrived yet so we chilled over the Sunday paper and chatted with the few other couples in the waiting room.  It was funny to see the usually very formal and professional staff let their hair down for the weekend.  Everyone was in t-shirts and capris or shorts, even Dr. Silverberg.

As soon as the sperm arrived they ushered us back to an exam room and had me undress from the waist down, get up on the table, and assume the position.  I’ve read about others’ experiences with an IUI, and I thought we’d get to see the IUI on a monitor but there wasn’t one in the room.  I’ve also been wondering what my lining measurement was, so I was a little disappointed there was no u/s.  The doc gave us a run-down on Troy’s sample, and although morphology was even lower than last time, there was a great total volume and they got over double what they usually need for a successful IUI.  He was really happy with the sample.  Sorry I’ve forgotten the numbers or I’d report ‘em here.

Dr. Silverberg started by putting in the speculum.  Apparently my cervix was facing straight down towards the floor today, so he had a very difficult time seeing the cervical opening.  Finally after several adjustmens of the speculum he was able to insert the catheter.  There was the same sharp cramp I got when I had the HSG just as the catheter went in.  Since my cervix was facing so far downward, Dr. S had to bend the catheter sharply to get up into the cervical cavity.  I had some pretty good cramps while he tried to get it into the right place.  At last he held up the syringe containing concentrated Troy and had us both identify the label as “Harlan,” then he injected the contents and removed the catheter.  The nurse set a timer and had me lay on the table for 10 minutes, then we checked out.  The sperm wash/concentration was $230 (normally it’s $180 but they make ya pay extra for making them come in on the weekend), and our co-pay for the IUI was $30.  I’ll submit the reciept to insurance for the wash/concentration and hopefully we’ll be reimbursed for that.  Orders are no swimming or baths ’til Wednesday, and sex tonight and tomorrow night (dance, Monkey, dance!).

Now I’m home.  Troy made us breakfast burritos and I’m about to crash out.  Still having very mild cramps, I’m sure they’ll be gone by the time I get up.  Two week wait:  Commence!

Sat., 6/27/09 Gotcha!

A-Ha! <said loudly and triumphantly> 

I know it’s just due to the shot, but I couldn’t resist peeing on that OV stick just see   … and sure enough, there was that elusive smiley face on the screen!  So THAT’s what it looks like!  I feel like I just caught me the Lucky Charms leprechaun!  Now if he’ll just lead Troy’s boys to the golden eggs …

caughtcha!

Dude found his favorite stuffed pink bunny today.  Who knows where it’s been?  He’s SOOOO in love with his bunny.  It makes kissy noises when he sqeezes it  (I know when it gets too ratty we’ll have to get the sound box out before he swallows it).   He looks so studly carrying Little Pink Bunny around with him everywhere.

lil' pink bunny

I love my bunny

Sat., 6/27/09 Oh, I Get it Now

In this past year of trying to conceive (unsuccessfully, obviously) I’ve never experienced a true two week wait.  Because I wasn’t actually ovulating, I’d usually spend the time from right after my period ’til the next one searching for any sign of ovulation.  AF only comes about every 6-8 weeks, so that’s a lot of ovulation kits and looking for signs!  I’d be concentrating so hard on looking for that elusive smiley face on the OV kit, for EWCM, ovarian ache, tender boobs, etc., that I’d end up running right into the next cycle.

Yesterday (Friday) was cycle day 18 for me.  I called the Keri, my nurse at the RE’s office, to let them know that I still hadn’t had a positive OV kit.  She asked me to come in at 3:13 pm to get intimate with the plastic wand.  Dr. Silverberg noted that I still have no activity in the right ovary, but the two follicles on the left side are now measuring 26 and 22 mm.  My uterine lining is a disappointing 6.9 (they usually like at least a 7, but thicker is better). 

Dr. Silverberg noted that I seem to be lacking the ability to produce an LH surge (no, really?), which is apparently regulated by the hypothalamus in the brain.  He prescribed me an injection of 0.5 Ovidrel to make me ovulate.  I ran across town to the nearest People’s Pharmacy, the only pharmacy chain in Austin that stocks Ovidrel. 

My Mom was passing through Austin today to pick up my nephews (my brother and SIL need a long weekend to put up new siding).  Whenever Mom comes through town she always stops at our place for an hour or two to let the dogs out to potty and to help us keep up with watering the garden (and to snag fresh tomatoes off the vine ).  I asked her to wait at the house to help me with the injection.  Now, I work in a lab and I can even draw my own blood, but the thought of sticking myself in the stomach with a needle … gaaa!  Turns out, it’s actually less painless!  I didn’t feel either the needle or the fluid going in.  I was shocked!  I ended up giving myself the shot while Mom cheered me on.  Thank you for the support, Mom!  Troy would’ve fainted out cold.  Now that I’ve done it once I’ll be able to do any future shots on my own.

About half an hour after I took the shot a moderate headache started.  I’ve taken a few aspirin over the past few hours and it’s kept it at bay.  I’ve also been slightly nauseated a little soft in the stools (oh, sorry TMI warning just a little too late).  But, I should clarify that I’ve been a bit short on sleep this past week, and when I get really tired I have the exact same symptoms so it could be the fatigue instead of the shot.

 Another side-effect that is unique, though, is a feeling of swollen heaviness and tenderness  in my lower abdomen.  After work today Troy and I had a date to see Transformers 2.  At one point I had to make a potty run (that movie is frickin’ long!  but is also a lot of fun).  TMI alert:  when I wiped, there was a huge glob of EWCM on the paper!  So that’s what it’s supposed to look like!  Even now at work, everytime I go it’s there!  I’m leakin’, wish I’d worn a light pad.  Now I actually know what I’m looking for!

The IUI is next!  My date for sex with a plastic tube is set for 9:30 am Sunday morning.  Did ya’ll know RE’s work on Sundays?  Who’da thought?  Who’d want to get up early on the weekend to shoot up womens’ utes with spooge?  I’m so glad there’s someone who does.  Speaking of spooge, Troy has to collect his specimen and deliver it to the semen center by 7:30 am.  I’ll be at work from 7pm Sat. night ’til 7am Sun. morning, and I’ll go straight from work to the the RE’s office and meet Troy there.  Hopefully I won’t drowse off during the deed!  Wouldn’t want to hurt a sensitive catheter ego.  And then, my first real 2WW ever!

The RE did tell me that he feels he has learned a lot about our infertility issues this cycle, especially the delayed ovarian response.  Even if we’re not successful this round, he already has a whole new plan set up for the next cycle.  It’s good to know he wants to keep moving forward aggressively, and it’ll definitly make it easier if  I do see AF in the next coupla weeks.

Thurs., 6/25/09 Jinxed?

I think I’ve gone and jinxed myself.  Ever since we started seeing the RE, I’ve felt so much closer to success than we’ve ever been before.  Which has gotten me a lot more excited about everything baby related.  Craigslist has become my crack.  I can’t stop browsing baby stuff, especially bedding themes! 

Last week I absolutely fell in love with a crib set in red and white gingham and polka dots.  Red is one of my favorite colors!  I want to do a baby room in bold, bright colors.  I sent the seller a little note, thought I’d just see if it was still available.  She didn’t write back, so I figured it was gone.  Today, out of the blue, she called my cell to say she’d been out of town, but was back and the set was still available.  I couldn’t stop myself, I went and bought it!  And  I love it as much as I thought I would!

Aargh, why did I buy something for a baby I don’t even have yet?  What if we have multiples … or never have babies?  Have I jinxed myself right before our first insemination?  Mom keeps saying there’s no such thing as a jinx … but I can’t help but feel superstitious!  Why does s u p e r s t i t i o u s look wrong?  How do you even spell that?  Gaaaaa!!!

Tues., 6/23/09 Certainly Cracked on Clomid

It’s official:  I’m cracked in the head.  Clomid cracked.

Three consecutive nights of very little sleep.  Ovarian ache, especially on the left side.  Wild, crazy dreams and intense hot flashes abound! 

Even Troy is beginning to feel the effects of my sleep deprivation.  “Why did you wake me at 2 in the morning to ask me if my last name is really Harlan?” he mumbled after hitting the snooze button for the third time this morning.  ‘Cause in my dream, his last name was really Machiavelli and he hated it, so he told me it was Harlan when we got married knowing I would change my name to Harlan.  He always meant to do the same, but after he saw what a pain it was for me to do it, he never got around to it.

 Do you know what a pain it is to change your name?!?  I just stopped carrying around a copy of my marriage liscence last year – ’cause they would never remember at the bank – even though they had their own copy!  I was soooo mad at him for lying to me.  And what (or who) the hell is Machiavelli?  Where did I even hear that?!?

Wide awake again at 4am.  Following the name change scandal, my girl friend Judy and dear hubby Troy had to take me aside and have a talk with me.  For some reason, I’d lost all sense of decency, and had started using the toilet with the door open.  Even when we had company.  Now this one could be from all the various and sundry wands, speculums, tubes and whatnot that have found their way through my previously seldom seen inner works.  My brain’s attempt to wrap itself around the death of my dignity.  Also, when I woke up, I really, really, really had to pee.

I’m always an emotional kind of girl, but it seems that on the Clomid everything is magnified … by a hundred.  What would be a fleeting sense of disappointment is suddenly suicide-worthy.  Or at least worthy of a good cry.  It’s like *shudder* those hormonal adolescent years, all over again.

Sunday was my birthday, and many friends and family called or  sent emails to wish me a happy one.  Even distant friends and relatives found their way to my Facebook wall.  But the two people who should always remember my birthday – my PARENTS – completely forgot!  They didn’t remember ’til I called my dad to wish him Happy Father’s Day!  Gaaa!  The horror.

Now, to be fair, Mom did make a big deal out of my birthday earlier in the week when she stayed with us.  I love the new living room pillows she got me from Coldwater Creek.  They’re a batik pattern, which ties in perfectly with my new batik fabric pictures!  

Still, I was heartbroken that they forgot.  Which led to a minor spat with my Mom over my brother, whom I also dearly love (and to his credit, he did call my cell to sing his version of Happy Birthday … which somehow involved me smelling like a monkey … talk about arrested development.  All of this while patrolling in his trooper car.  I really hope he remembered to turn off his speaker and radio before calling me.).

Anyhow, it seems to me that since dear brother managed to reproduce not just one but two offspring to carry on the Barclay genetic line, he’s golden.  Every holiday, every get-together, it’s all about how to make things easier for the “One Who Has Produced Grandchildren.” 

I feel like he takes all of us for granted, but especially my folks.   Three times already this summer my brother has lost interest in plans we’ve made – after all of the rest of us arranged our schedules (and fought for time off) to be with them.  Why are we constantly re-arranging our lives to make his easier?

To add insult to injury, my new sister-in-law has caught the baby bug.  She wants one – bad.  I really want to have a baby first!  I don’t know why that matters!  Chris has already beaten me to the grandkid punch.  Maybe it’s because JoAnn is the age I was when Troy and I married, and maybe if I’d have been as on the ball as she is, Troy and I wouldn’t be trying so hard now.  But that’s probably not true, I think we would’ve had trouble getting pregnant three years ago, same as now.  And three years ago, I wasn’t ready for a baby.

All of this sounds terrible, and I just want to say that I love my brother, sister-in-law and my parents unconditionally.  I have to admit, I think this is all rooted in a half-hidden fear that if I can’t ever have children, I’ll never be truly or fully important.  To my parents, to society, to the gene pool.  Without a kid to show for it, my life doesn’t really rate.

Very melodramatic.  I’m rolling my eyes at myself as I write.  When the Clomid wears off, I’m going to read this and be truly embarrassed.  I bet I was a handful as a teen, with this mawkishness to draw on.

But, I do have to say, now that I’ve put it out there, it seems to have less of a hold on me.  I’m breathing a little easier.  And I really have to pee again.  Yes, I promise I will shut the door behind me.

Mon., 6/22/09 Oopause

Ooooo, oopause.  Also known as delayed ovarian response … and today’s diagnosis.  Turns out I have one ovary that didn’t respond to the 150mg dose of Clomid at all, and the other has produced only two follicles. 

But all is not  lost, not by a long shot.  Dr. Silverberg doesn’t seem at all discouraged.  He says there are many steps to go yet, and he even feels good about this round still.  Of the two follicles in business, one measures 14 and the other is 16.5.  My uterine lining is a discouraging 4.5.

My orders are to start taking an ovulation predictor test once a day, and sex every other day ’til Friday.  If the kit hasn’t turned positive by Friday, I’ll go in for a trigger shot and the IUI will be Saturday.  So the game is still in play as of now.

Before this appointment I was so excited, so sure this was it!  Now I’m a little deflated.  Deflated, but not defeated.  Maybe this will be the month I’ll finally see that elusive smiley face on the the OV kit screen.

Some 20-25 years ago while we were living in Indonesia Mom bought some beautiful batik fabrics.  She always meant to do something with them, maybe pillows or a quilt some day.  During their recent move she decided she never was going to get around to it, and she was tired of dragging them around, so she asked me if I wanted them.  I decided to get them framed, just a little reminder of my roots.  I just picked up the first few from Hobby Lobby, and they turned out beautifully!  The pic doesn’t really do them justice.

batik butterflies

 

All the animals just love Troy.  They all want to sit on Troy’s chair (‘cept Lila, she’s my girl .  And she’s a firm believer that all boys have cooties.)

Poppy on the back of the chair, Dude and Annie play in Troy's lap, Dobby down front

Sat., 6/20/09 Follicle or Fossil?

I was talking to my girl friend Judy this evening on the cell as I drove to work.  Being the good friend that she is, she dutifully asked how our latest efforts at procreation were going.

“I go back to the doctor on Monday to have another ultrasound to see if I have any follicles.”

“What?  I can’t hear you.  You’re going to the doctor to look at your fossils?”

“No!  My FOLLI … yeah, my fossils.”

Tomorrow I turn 38.  The age where fertility enters it’s death throes.  Aargh.

Wed., 06-17/09 Hysterosalpinogram

Here’s one more for my Newbie Book of Infertility Treatment Steps:  my very first HSG.  It wasn’t loads of fun, like say the trip to Schlitterbahn, but it wasn’t as painful as the defensive driving class I had to take about 6 years ago.  (From then on, I vowed to just pay the darn ticket, but I never did get another one.)

A combination of Clomid side-effects and nervousness about the HSG this morning kept me up waaay too late last night.  I just couldn’t seem to wind down.  I watched the season premiere of True Blood (looove me some True Blood), watered the garden, watched an episode of HBO’s Big Love (still catching up on last season), baked a chocolate bundt cake, watched Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette, did 3 loads of laundry, hung a picture, suddenly remembered to turn off the water in the garden (oh, maybe 2-3 hours later), and finally just made myself go lie down around 2 am. 

Wide awake at 5:30.  I wasn’t worried too much about the procedure being painful.  I expected it to be similar to the mild discomfort of getting a PAP smear.  I think it was more the nagging worry that they’d find something really wrong with my works that kept me up. 

My appointment was at 8 am, and I made it in the door at 7:40 and started filling out paperwork.  Anna took me back to the room, which was a large room with a huge xray machine in the middle with a narrow metal bed attached to it.  She had me undress from the waist down and put on a gown open to the back.  While I was doing that, she laid a sheet down over the metal “bed.”  Even with the sheet, that sucker was COLD!  I could feel the cold seeping into my butt cheeks the whole time.  Fortunately she let me keep my socks on.

Anna had me scoot my bootay all the way down to the edge of the bed and assume the stirrup position.  She inserted the speculum, which was plastic (not cold, yay!), and was only mildly uncomfortable.  Next she inserted the catheter through the uterine opening.  At the moment she inserted it there was an “Oh!” moment of real discomfort, just a flash like a sudden, sharp, localized cramp that immediately dissipated into a sensation of mild overall cramping. 

Next she pulled the monitor close and began to inject the dye.  I expected to feel the dye being injected or to experience more intense cramping, but I didn’t feel a thing (although a mild cramping sensation persisted through the whole procedure).  It was so fastinating to watch the contrast fill up my uterus, which was small and triangular shaped.  My right fallopian tube showed up immediately after the uterus filled up, with spillage out the end of the tube (which is something they’re looking for).  The left tube took longer to appear, and I had a half a minute of worry that it was going to end up being blocked, but it finally made an appearance (also with spillage).

Anna had me bend my right knee and tilt my body slightly to the left, took another xray, then had me do the same on the other side.  I’ve read online that they do that when they are seeing a blockage, but maybe now it’s become standard during an HSG…?  I did see spillage out of the end of each fallopian tube, so I don’t think there are any blockages.  However, the HSG can also show abnormalities of the uterine cavity, like fibroids, adhesions, abnormal shapes and scarring that I wouldn’t have recognized on the monitor.

As soon as we were done she removed the catheter and that was it!  I cleaned up and got dressed.  She gave me a heavy pad to wear for the rest of the day.  Although the dye is clear, it is thick and sticky and it drains for the rest of the day.  I’m supposed to avoid sex, baths and pools for 24 hours to minimize the risk of infection. 

Now it’s mid-afternoon, and I wanna crash so bad!  I’m sooooo sleepy.  The mild cramps have persisted since the appointment, and have actually upgraded to moderate.   I had to take a Darvocet to keep it mild.  But it could be a combination effect of the mild cramps + some Clomid ovarian ache.  It feels like the cramps go from my pelvic bone to just under my bellybutton.  They’re not bad, just persistent and annoying. 

I’ve also had some faint spotting, and what looks like flecks of sand on the pad/paper.  Maybe it’s debris that had built up and is now washing out?  Or maybe just bits of dried spotting.  Who knows?

I’m also known to be more whiny and dramatic when sleepy, so all this might be cured by a good, long night’s sleep.  Mom is coming to stay with us for the next two nights so she can help my brother with his two boys during the day.  He has them all summer but he has to go to a SWAT training thing this week.  When I talked to Mom on the phone after my appointment, she said she was planning to make chicken pot pie tonight.  Mmmm, comfort food.  The day’s lookin’ better already.

Tuesday, 6/16/09 I am the Grim Reaper of Laptops

About 2 years ago I bought my first shiny new laptop ever.  I loved it!  I still do!  I do wish it had more room to store random tidbits of info I find pertinent or entertaining, but it has a big bright screen that’s great for my aging eyes.  Unfortunately, one of those tidbits I found so entertaining had a virus hiding in it.  Now my shiny happy laptop is sitting on top of Troy’s to-do pile.

Right about the time my laptop died, Troy had to get a new Apple laptop for work when he was promoted to a new department.  Fortunately they have an employee discount when purchased through the company (those suckers are expensive!).   So I’ve been using his old laptop (I say old but it’s a year younger than mine) ’til mine makes a come-back.  So I fired it up Sunday evening to report in and … the screen never came on.  At all.  *sigh*  Troy couldn’t figure it out so he took it to work with him today to see if one of his geek squad co-workers could figure it out (you guys rock! .

Schlitterbahn was a blast!  We all had so much fun!  My parents were there, as well as my brother, his wife JoAnn and his two kids (Cayle and Andon), Troy and I and a family that were friends of JoAnn’s in high school and were visiting Austin.  They have a little boy who fit right in with Chris’s kids!  Our friend Mike joined us later in the day with his daughter, Cassidy.  Mike and Lorelei just had their second, Aislinn, two weeks ago.  Apparently the hardest part has been keeping Cassidy busy, so both Mike and Lorelei were so glad to wear her out at the park!  We were having so much fun I forgot to take any pictures!

We played in the kid’s section, all rode the lazy river together, ate all day and even went on a few of the big, tall water slides!  I have to stick to the tube slides.  They’re a blast – ’cause I can’t see what’s coming up!  Also, I don’t want to be one of those unfortunate few who end up on msn.com:  “38 year old woman falls off Schlitterbahn slide and dies on impact.  Park officials can’t figure out why her wide butt didn’t stick to the tube.  Investigation pending.”  We’re thinking about getting season tickets next year.  We can take in our own food and drinks, so once we have the tickets it’s not expensive!

On a sad note, when we went out Saturday morning to head for Schlitterbahn, we found Daisy with a flat passenger-side back tire.  Poor baby!  She just got home from the shop the day before!  She’s been needing a new set of tires, though, so we’ll get that done next payday. 

Sunday was sooo relaxing and low-key.  Troy and I meant to go to the 8:30 service at a church just a couple of blocks from our house, but we overslept.  Now that we’re settled in our place, I feel like we need to find a new church family.  I’d like for us to have joined a church before we have a baby.  And being able to walk to church from the house would be nice!

Around noon Sunday Chris called to see if he and JoAnn could bring the boys over to swim.  They were followed shortly by my girl friend Judy who came to just hang and soak up some sun.  Later on Mike and Lorelei showed up with their two sweeties.  We ended up throwing whatever we could find on the grill – a little bit of steak, some chicken breasts with teriyaki marinade, some cheddarwurst.  My brother made mac’n'cheese and Judy and I grilled slices of squash and zucchini – some with teriyaki and some with Italian dressing.  Yum!  We finished off the chips and dips from the Schlitterbahn trip, too.

JoAnn floatin' in the pool w/a 'rita

 

By the end of the day the nephews were full of sun and water!  They crashed on the couch watchin’ some Hellboy (their father’s choice).

Cayle

Andon

Dude under the picnic table waitin' for something good to drop

 

Look at all the nephews helped me pick from the garden!

zuchinnis and squash and tomatoes, oh my!

 

look how big the pineapple mint has gotten! love the white and green leaves

 

tons of sunflowers now!

 

the biggest, tallest sunflower

We finished off our second day of eating and sun with the season premiere of Weeds.  I do love me some Weeds!  And an episode of the Gene Simmons show (one of Troy’s favorites … who am I kidding, I like it, too).

Tomorrow morning I finish my last 150 mg Clomid dose, and I start off the day with my first hysterosalpinogram ever!  I’m not nervous now, but I will be when I get in the stirrups.  I started reading some reviews of the procedure, and they were too scary so I stopped reading!  I’m excited that it’ll give us a little more information and get us a little closer to our goal!

On a TMI side note, yesterday morning and this morning I woke up with copious amounts of EWCM.  What does that mean?  I’m still taking the Clomid, I can’t be ovulating already!  It’s at least a week too soon, and the OV kit is negative.  Should I call the RE?  I do have an appointment with him for an U/S on Monday.  Should I wait ’til then?  I’ll see what it looks like tomorrow.  Maybe it’s just a fluke.