5/27/09 Progesterone Level

Today is 23 days since the first day of my last period (yesterday was a holiday) so I dutifully got my progesterone level checked.  The result is 3.8.  I understand that means that I haven’t ovulated and I’m not pregnant, neither of which are surprises.  But what I don’t understand is what that level DOES mean.  I tried to ask the OB/GYN office about it, but I kept getting a confused little medical assistant who, sweet as she was, never gives me anything more definitive than “I’ll ask the doctor and call you back.”  And of course, the doc is aways teaching, or doing an emergency delivery, or with another patient …

But according to mymonthlycycles.com, I don’t ovulate ’til next week (peak day being next Wednesday).  And I’m determined to completely wait out this cycle, ’til my period starts on its own.  That way I’ll have a full month of true data to take to a fertility specialist.  Maybe it’ll show I’m not ovulating at all … not good news, but a place to start.

Wednesday, 5-27-09 Space Case

Woooo, my head is floating!  The last few days I’ve been faintly lightheaded off and on during the day.  Such a weird feeling!  My blood pressure is border-line high, and I think that might be the culprit.  Our medical assistant took it for me and surprise, it was borderline high.  I wonder if I should contact my doctor?  Would it be the GYN/ONC or my GP?

After Troy and I got the house back into semi-order, we picked up a white pizza from a local joint, Garlique Joe’s.  Oh, my … tons of cheese, tons of garlic and a great sauce and crust.  Soooo good!  After we chowed down we settled in to watch The Mentalist and relax.  The Dude wanted to play outside (he found a frog to stalk) but Dobbs curled up on my legs in the easy chair and zonked right out.

Dobbs zonked out on my legs in the easy chair

The peace actually only lasted about half an hour ’til Annie and Lila spotted a moth, then of course chaos ensued.  We didn’t discover ’til almost bedtime that we’d accidentally shut Poppy in a bathroom.  When you’ve got a zoo this size, it happens.

Annie spots a moth

Lila is determined to get the moth first

We called it an early night.  It’s only our second round of Clomid, but Troy is already starting to resist the demands of the baby dance.  I’ve always had a higher drive than he has, so I realize that meeting the demand is easier for me.  We talked in the beginning about how baby dancing was going to have to be a priority, and I don’t want to feel like I’m MAKING him do the deed.  I don’t always feel like it, either!  I understand sometimes you just wanna go home after work and veg out before calling it an early night.  But this week is the week I think I will ovulate, and with my cycles being soooo long, I don’t want to miss our opportunity out of laziness!  With some humor, “encouragement” and some good fantasies I was able to get things going.  I wonder how other couples keep it fun?

Tuesday, 5-26-09 Holdin’ It

Ovulation predictor tests are SO much more annoying than home pregancy tests.  With the HPT, I can just do the test on the first pee in the morning.  But with the darn OV kits, they want you to do it in the afternoon – after holding it for 4 hours.  So here I am, trying to distract myself from the pressure … arghhhh.  And besides, who wants that kind of disappointment at work?  And I don’t want to walk around with the test kit in my pocket, so that means hiding in the stall for 5 minutes.  My co-workers must think I do #2 at exactly the same time every day.  I might as well start taking the paper or a magazine with me!

We had a fantastic Memorial Day weekend!  I worked Friday and Saturday night, then Sunday Troy and I just hung around the house and did … absolutely nothing!  No, actually, we did do a little gardening and house-cleaning.  But it rained most of the day so we did an Underworld marathon and saw the first two movies (we saw the 3rd movie one evening last week), made cheese toast and ate peanut butter ice cream.  Yummmmmm.

Monday around noon friends started arriving.  We grilled and ate off and on all afternoon and evening, played some cards (Phase 10 and Uno) and floated in the pool.  My house is a complete mess, but it was SO worth it!  What a wonderful, awesome day!  In the evening there were just a few of us left, so we loaded up our plates again and went inside to watch the season premier of Jon & Kate + 8.  I don’t watch the show regularly, but it’s so sad to see any marriage come apart.  She did say something that caught my attention, that the parents of multiples tend to have a much higher divorce rate.  I didn’t know that.  It really does worry me that we’ll end up with multiples!  But then again, I’d be happy to pregnant at all, and I believe Troy and I are up to the challenge (ahh, the faith of the uninitiated, right?).

One of our friends who came Monday, Lorelei, is expecting any day now.  She’s a great mom and has really enjoyed her pregnancies (this is her second).  I’m so glad we’re friends, she’ll be a great source of advice and support!  It’s fun to see someone really enjoy starting and raising a family, and it’s been fun to see how even the parents have changed and grown.

Yesterday and today the aching in my lower abdomen really changed from being like light menstrual cramps to truly feeling like ovarian ache.  Sometimes it’d be intense enough that I’d have to wait to stand up, but it always passes quickly.  So now I’m thinking that it’s either the ovaries working overtime, or I’ve earned some of those famous Clomid cysts.  I’ve also noticed increased mucous, so maybe, maybe I’m actually approaching ovulation.  I’d sure love to see a smiley face on the the tester.  According to mymonthlycycles.com, I should ovulate late this week.  Keepin’ my fingers crossed…

On a side note, I’ve also had mild nausea that passes quickly off and on during the day - usually early in the morning and early afternoon.  I keep taking HPT’s, though, and so far they’ve all been negative.  I honestly dunno what the nausea is from.

Saturday, 5-23-09 Growing a Garden

I had no idea how much work a garden is!  Troy and I moved into our new place a few months ago, and were delighted to find garden beds in the back yard.  My girl friend Judy says it looks like a graveyard in our back yard, and I have to admit she’s kinda right.  

Troy and I tried to grow an herb garden at the last place we lived, and quickly proved ourselves to be the grim reapers of plants.  Fortunately Mom grew up in Indiana growing, weeding, canning everything from green beans to peaches.  So the weekend before Easter my folks and my nephew came to stay with us and we started planting!  We put in tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, green peppers, zucchini and squash.  I also planted green onions and carrots, but I think I got them into the ground too late.  We’ll try those again next year.

Dad and Cayle got the sprinkler workin’

And Andon cheered us on from on top of the picnic table

And look at it going now, just a month and a half later!  We’ve zucchini and squash enough to feed the neighborhood!

We still haven’t gotten a ripe tomato.  I think maybe something’s eating them before they ripen.  The green peppers have just started to grow, though! 

Cayle decided he wanted to plant daisies and sunflowers.  We have a small flower bed in the back of the yard that had a small gardenia plant and a palm on one side, so it was perfect to add the sunflowers and daisies to the other end!

sunflowers, daisies, a small gardenia bush and a small palm

Next Mom and I planted spearmint, regular mint, chocolate mint and pineapple mint in the bed under the tree by the back patio.  The chocolate mint smells just like an Andes mint!  The pineapple mint doesn’t smell like pineapple but it has pretty white and green leaves.  While walking out of Walmart on a whim I picked up a small, scraggly citronella plant.  I’ve since had to re-pot it – the thing is gigantic!  I’d like to get some more to put around the patio to keep the flies and skitos away.

At the other end of the bed we just planted Mexican heather last weekend.  We had to put the big, flat, white rocks between the plants ’cause Dude and Dobby kept digging there.   Eventually we’ll add more mint.  The mint on the other end is already spreading and will fill up the space, too.

Mexican heather

We put the arbor we got married under by the garden fence.  Mom planted hummingbird vines at each end of the arbor.  The vine should grow up and around the arbor, and will attract hummingbirds and butterflies.

little hummingbird vines at the base of our wedding arbor

Mom and I planted a yellow hibiscus next to the pool.  It gives it a fun, beachy feel to the area!  We planted a red one by the garage just to give that area a splash of color.  I’d like to get a couple of extra plants next year to add to the back yard.

hibiscus

hibiscus

 

Along one of the side fences I planted a blue and a purple morning glory vine.  The poor things almost didn’t make it.  They didn’t like being moved from their pots to the ground.  But after a couple of good rains they’re finally making a come-back!  Just yesterday I planted honeysuckle along the opposide side fence, but I haven’t taken any pics of them.  They don’t look like much yet, anyways.  Along the last fence I’d eventually like to plant jasmine, and a gardenia bush in the front yead, but those’ll have to wait for another paycheck.

morning glories

 

morning glories

 

With all the weeding and watering, they definitely fill up an hour or so after work everyday!  Friday after we took care of the plants, we jumped in the pool to cool off.  We have SO got it made!

Saturday, 5-23-09

Having mild cramps today – is it my next period, or the ol’ ovaries working overtime?  I’m trying not to think about it too much, but it’s hard when I feel those cramps crawl across my abdomen every now and then.  As my cycles have been going so far, it’s too soon to have a period … and I still haven’t had a positive ovulation test!  But if my cycles are getting more regular, then it’s just about the right time to start, I guess.  Why no smiley face on the ov kit? 

I was telling Troy about my confusion, and he told me, “You know, Babe, if we don’t have kids, you know that’s okay.  We’re happy either way.”  Although he’s as excited to have a child as I am, he has maintained from day 1 that he’s happy just to be with me.  I’m so, so lucky.  And I feel the same way, but with the hormones and the Clomid flowing, I forget the big picture and get so focused on what’s not happening.  I’m so goal-oriented – it’s almost like I have to get pregnant just ’cause it’s a project I started, and by golly I’m gonna finish what I started or else I’m a failure.

When we first started trying I would incessantly image different scenarios, daydreaming about how I would break the news to Troy that we were pregnant, about creative ways we’d tell our parents, the first doctor’s appointment where we’d hear the heartbeat.  I’d plan out the nursery, the colors, what I’d change if we had mulitiples.  I planned out how we’d adapt our work schedules, and I’d hope that I could breastfeed after my breast reduction surgery last year.

All of those dreams and fantasies are fine, there’s nothing wrong with hoping and planning.  But lately I’ve been working on being present in the here an now.  I find it’s not too hard - I have a lot to love, a lot to be thankful for every day.  Troy and I have so much fun together, and we always will, kids or no.  There’s more than enough to occupy our days, with our zoo, jobs, family, friends and keeping up with the house and yard. 

I grew up traveling all over the world, and although Troy hadn’t ventured too far from Texas before we met, since we’ve been married some of my wanderlust has started to rub off on him.  Although starting a family is the ideal future, instead of focusing on not being able to get pregnant, I wanted us to have another possible future to look forward to.  So we’ve started planning our next big trip.  On our honeymoon we took our first cruise – a first for both of us – to Cozumel, Honduras and Belize.  I have to say, Belize is now one of my top favorite places in the world!

Scuba diving in Belize

 

riding ATV's in Cozumel

 

after a long day of scuba diving in Belize

 

We’ve taken lots of local trips, to the beach in Port Aransas every summer, going camping every fall, tubing every weekend we can fit it in, going to Indiana to visit my extended family.  Our last big trip was to Holland.  I’d seen some of Europe but had never been to the Netherlands.  Although the cruise had been out of the US, every night we’d get back on board our little piece of America and take it with us.  Flying to a different continent was a whole new level for Troy!  He started out so tense and worried, but by the end, he was a seasoned pro.  It was so fun to see him become empowered by the trip, to realize he could handle going anywhere – and have a blast!

the force is with us in Dam Square

 

Next up:  conquering Italy.  My favorite trip as a teenager with my family was touring Greece.  There’s so much culture and flavor and history.  I think Italy will have a lot of the same character.  It’s another place I’ve never been, and I can’t wait to discover it with Troy!  It will take us at least a year to save up for it.  Totally worth the wait, and it’ll give us something to plan and hope for.  Distraction is a good thing – it keeps me pulled back, so I can see that big picture instead of getting mired in the details.

I’ve been reminded that life is SO good.

Thursday, 5-21-09

Last night I fell asleep watching Table for 12.  Oh, the Clomid nightmares that ensued!  I kept losing kids, laundry piles were over my head, and oh, all the dirty dishes … *shudder*  No more TV as I fall asleep, that’s my new rule.

Feelin’ kinda achy and tired today.  Probably due in part to the whole lack of sleep thing.  Also could be partly due to some vigorous gardening after work yesterday.   I’ve been slightly nauseous off and on today and a little achy in the ovarian area.  Still no little smiley face on the ovulation kit, though.   According to most common cycles, I should’ve ovulated last weekend.  But according to mymonthlycycles.com, I won’t ovulate until the weekend after next (the first weekend of June).  They calculate my cycle to be really long, about 44 days.  I’m going to keep doing the ov tests until I have my next period.  I may not be ovulating at all, and it would be good to have the info to take back to the gyn/onc.  If the ov test is never positive this round, I’m going to ask for a referral to a fertility specialist.

The weekend before Easter we planted squash, zucchini, tomatoes, green peppers, green onions and carrots in the garden.  We have more squash and zucchini than we’ll ever be able to use!  The tomatoes are still struggling to come up.  I think something’s eating them before they ripen.  The green peppers are finally getting bigger, though.  I think we were too late getting the onions and carrots in the ground.  We’ll definitely start earlier with those next year.

My nephew Cayle planted sunflowers and daisies in another flower bed, and mom and I planted several varieties of mint and mexican heather under a tree in another bed.   The mint is really taking off!  We planted spearmint, chocolate mint (it really smells like an Andes!), regular mint and pineapple mint (it doesn’t smell like pineapple, but it has pretty white and green leaves).  I also picked up a cheap, tiny citronella plant on a whim – it’s a monstrosity already!  I’d love to get some more to put all around the patio to keep the skitoes and flies away.  I’d also love to eventually get a few gardenia plants to plant under outside the front door and the bedroom window – they just smell so nice. 

Mom and I also planted a yellow and a red hibiscus plants, which are just plain fun.  I love their bright colors and they give the yard a beachy feel.  And we planted a few elephant ears under a big tree in the front yard.  Troy and I still have the arbor we got married under, and we put it next to the garden.  Mom planted a hummingbird vine next to the arbor that’s supposed to attract hummingbirds and butterflies.  Damn, I’ve become so domesticated!  Now, if we can just keep the dogs from digging up the mint…

Tuesday, 5-19-09

More Clomid hot flashes and vivid dreams last night.  I dreamt that the car overheated and I was stranded – over and over, all night long.  Made for a very stressful drive to work this morning.  I’ve never paid so much attention to all the dials on the dashboard before.

Monday, 5-18-09

It’s now 15 days since the 1st day of my last period, and no smiley face on the OV kit yet.  Just to be safe, we keep going at it, at least every other night.  We’re aiming for every night, but it is complicated with my Mom staying with us so much.  We love having her with us, though, and we can work around that.

I found a website, mymonthlycycles.com.  I’ve plugged all my info in since last October.  My average cycle is really long, about 44 days.  So according to them, I should actually ovulate the first week of June instead of the usual 10 days after my period.  So I’m not giving up hope that this round will be the one!  And we’re going for sex every night until my next period, just to be sure we do catch it if I do finally lay an egg later in the cycle.

I thought the Clomid and Femara might not be working, as I didn’t have many symptoms this time around.  Well, the symptoms have arrived.  I’ve almost completely cut out caffeine (just Crystal Light in the mornings), but I’ve started waking up several times during the night with wild dreams (last night it was zombies.  really?  zombies?  random) and crazy hot flashes.  I get so hot I actually turn red, and strip off all layers I possibly can (depending on where I am).  Five minutes later, I’m freezing.

Lots of achiness in the ovarian area.  Mild nausea in the mornings and off and on during the day.

While annoying, all of these are manageable.  Having Mom around makes me watch my tongue, makes me more conscious of how I talk to Troy.  The Clomid can make me really irritable and snarky with Troy, and I appreciate that her prescence makes me more aware of how I talk to him.  I’ve been much more patient with him and I’ve found that if I just wait a few minutes, the irritation usually goes away. 

Troy and I have always struggled with money.  We both have good jobs that pay well, but we don’t manage what we have well.  To that end, we’ve decided to spend only on bills/debt for the next two months.  All grocery/supplies shopping will be done together, and we’ll agree on how to spend extra in advance.  It’s a much higher level of accountability to each other than we’ve ever had.  It means being completely honest with each other – no buy now, ask forgiveness later.  It’s hard for me to give up control, but I know I need to let Troy be the leader of the family, and to trust him to have our best interests at heart.

I’ve also been praying that God will help me not only be a better steward of our finances, but also of my body.  I’m sure that we wouldn’t be having as hard a time getting pregnant if I wasn’t so overweight.  I’ve finally accepted that diets aren’t going to work.  I’ve got to decide to eat less and eat healthier, each and every time.  And move more.

Monday, 5-11-09

Only 1 minor meltdown so far on this, our second round of Clomid.  Well, minor for me, probably poor hubby Troy would disagree.  I’m up to 100 mg for 5 days.  Due to a fluke, I also have a set of 50 mg for 5 days.  I re-filled my 50mg prescription, but I talked to the nurse before I started my period, and the Doc agreed to up my dose to 100mg.  I went to pick it up thinking it would be another set of 50mg for 5 days (to make 100mg/day) but it really was a whole new set of Clomid.  On a side note, we switched from the HEB pharmacy to CVS, and the Clomid was only $5!

I’ve read that some women who had longer cycles were finally able to get pregnant when they took Clomid for 10 days rather than 5.  I’m already on day 4 of the 100mg dose.  Should I take the 50mg pills for the next 5 days?  I’m considering it.  Hmmm.

My brother got married this Mother’s Day weekend!  It’s his second marriage, her first.  He has two boys, 6 and 2.   The ceremony was absolutely beautiful!  Her colors were chocolate and Tiffany blue.  I’m so glad I got to be a part of it and I wish them a lifetime of happiness together!  It was a few hours before the wedding that I had my little Clomid-induced meltdown.  It’s weird how the Clomid anger is somehow directed right at the husband.  He’s right in those Clomid crosshairs.  Poor guy.  I overheard him talking at the reception to the husband of a couple who are some of our closest friends.  His wife is heavily pregnant, and he was telling Troy how the day had been a bit stressful as his wife was especially hormonal that day.  Troy just moaned, “Dude, I feel your pain.  What got you in trouble?”  To which he replied, “I dunno what exactly set it off – I really think I was just breathing wrong!”  Poor guys.

Even though I’m on the higher dose, I’ve actually had a lot less symptoms this time.  I haven’t had any hot flashes or insomnia.  I was drinking those caffeinated Crystal Light drinks like crazy before.  This time, I’m only allowing myself 1 a day in the morning.  I’m almost completely done with Coke, and I only keep the de-caffeinated ones at home in case I do have one.  I think laying off the caffeine helped a lot.

I think that I really might not able to become pregnant.  I think I knew it going into thise.  I can’t even really imagine what it will feel like, and I can’t picture myself pregnant.  I want to be ok with not having kids.  In my very first appointment with my gynecologist, we discussed a plan of action.  Then he ended the appointment with the comment, “And remember, there’s always egg donation if nothing else works.”

Which stopped me in my tracks.  That hadn’t even occured to me.  That’s when I realized that I don’t want to be pregnant, I want to be a mother to the child who is a blending of me and Troy.  Not Troy and another woman’s DNA.  I asked Troy what he thought, and he actually felt the same.  He doesn’t want a baby, he wants our baby.  I’d gotten so fixated on getting pregnant, it helped me to step back and see the big picture.  It’s helps a little to see that if the big picture for us doesn’t include kids, it’s ok if the little picture means never being pregnant.  It’s just a different big picture for us.  I have a feeling this is one of those pictures I’m going to lose sight of from time to time and I’m going to have to keep re-learning.

Monday, 5/4/09 (#2)

I tend to be a bit obsessive.  I think I might have a touch of the ol’ OCD.  Actually it’s good in my line of work, a little annoying to poor hubby.  I’ve let myself wallow in the whole infertility thing, obsess over it, dream about it, lose sleep over it.  Now I’m going to try my best to pour out my obession here, so hopefully I can let it go a little more during the day (and get a little more sleep at night).

I find myself reading everything I can find on the net about others’ experiences, about the meds, about pregnancy.  I browse Craigslist looking for good deals on baby things.  I talk about it too much with my mom and friends, especially pregnant ones and new moms.  Fortunately, they usually like to talk about their experiences (and to another adult, for a change). 

I think about whether or not I’ll ever get pregnant.  I felt fulfilled in my life before we started trying.  If we can’t get pregnant, will I be able to get back to that sense of fulfillment in life?  I think about what it will be like to see a positive pregnancy test for the first time, to show it to my husband.  I think about what it’ll be like to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and for my husband and my mom to hear it.  I wonder if  it’ll be a girl or a boy, one or multiples, and if we’ll want more.  I just seem to keep wondering and wondering and waiting. 

Somehow I always thought I’d end up having trouble getting pregnant.  When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to get married and have kids.  Then I was single for a long time.  Finally meeting Troy and getting married was so happy and satisfying, I didn’t think about kids.  I thought about how happy I was that we found each other at all.  How if we didn’t have kids, we could always be #1 to each other, we could travel, go back to school.  I really didn’t think I wanted to have kids.  Somehow, as we’ve grown individually and in our marriage, the desire crept back in.  I want a part of my husband, to see us merged, to see us grow through parenthood.  I’m afraid of wanting it too much.  I want to be ok with not having it.